November 14, 2019
Yesterday was our meetiversary. Kara and I met 16 years ago, November 13, 2004. Yesterday we had the chance to spend time together, cuddle up, pick up dinner, and watch some episodes of This is Us. In the midst of all those good moments, hard ones came with Katie.
After she sent me an initial response to my letter asking for us to take a few steps back, yesterday was a different story. She wanted to see me in person yesterday, and I told her I just couldn't do it. For so many reasons: it's a slippery slope for me- wading back into unclear territory of where we stand.. if we are taking space or just jumping back into the cycle again. Also, it was my anniversary, and I knew Kara would not be happy if I chose to see Katie on our special day. I had some things that I needed to get to her, but Kara took them over and dropped them off at Katie's door. This sent Katie spiraling and sending really harsh texts again. I tried to reassure her, but her last text was so cutting that I just didn't respond. There was nothing left for me to say. She made it clear that she thinks I am a horrible person, treating her worse that she would treat her enemies, and that I am not the person she thought I was.
So, inside I just keep shattering into a million more pieces. When I think we will move forward, we always seem to move back... all of us. Today Kara is at WOU and we will see how her team treats her. I guess yesterday wasn't a great day. She told Denise about me and Katie. Today I told Julie. I guess it's important for them to know so Kara can uphold her reputation at WOU. Still makes me feel even more ashamed and unworthy. But, like I said before.. I deserve that.
Kara will not have counseling anymore. Her counselor is going to quit, and that leaves us with only me going to counseling again. I told Kara I was disappointed because it felt like for me to not take all the blame, everyone else needs to be doing their work on this too.... and Kara freaked up. Left upset. I can't do anything right. I express what I'm feeling and what I want the person to know, and it just blows up. My counselor said to stop taking all the blame so others have to be accountable, but I have no control.
I feel sick inside. Everything inside of me feels sick and broken. Not because I lost Katie, but because all of this is so counter to what I believe. What I stand for. WHat I stood for... I guess I can no longer say that I am loyal. Can no longer say I don't walk away. Can no longer say that I am a good person. I proved all of those self-beliefs wrong. So there's that..
After she sent me an initial response to my letter asking for us to take a few steps back, yesterday was a different story. She wanted to see me in person yesterday, and I told her I just couldn't do it. For so many reasons: it's a slippery slope for me- wading back into unclear territory of where we stand.. if we are taking space or just jumping back into the cycle again. Also, it was my anniversary, and I knew Kara would not be happy if I chose to see Katie on our special day. I had some things that I needed to get to her, but Kara took them over and dropped them off at Katie's door. This sent Katie spiraling and sending really harsh texts again. I tried to reassure her, but her last text was so cutting that I just didn't respond. There was nothing left for me to say. She made it clear that she thinks I am a horrible person, treating her worse that she would treat her enemies, and that I am not the person she thought I was.
So, inside I just keep shattering into a million more pieces. When I think we will move forward, we always seem to move back... all of us. Today Kara is at WOU and we will see how her team treats her. I guess yesterday wasn't a great day. She told Denise about me and Katie. Today I told Julie. I guess it's important for them to know so Kara can uphold her reputation at WOU. Still makes me feel even more ashamed and unworthy. But, like I said before.. I deserve that.
Kara will not have counseling anymore. Her counselor is going to quit, and that leaves us with only me going to counseling again. I told Kara I was disappointed because it felt like for me to not take all the blame, everyone else needs to be doing their work on this too.... and Kara freaked up. Left upset. I can't do anything right. I express what I'm feeling and what I want the person to know, and it just blows up. My counselor said to stop taking all the blame so others have to be accountable, but I have no control.
I feel sick inside. Everything inside of me feels sick and broken. Not because I lost Katie, but because all of this is so counter to what I believe. What I stand for. WHat I stood for... I guess I can no longer say that I am loyal. Can no longer say I don't walk away. Can no longer say that I am a good person. I proved all of those self-beliefs wrong. So there's that..