Day 1: Courage to Move
Well, the world didn't end today. I didn't turn into a pile of ashes and lightening didn't strike me. I literally just knocked on wood and spit over my shoulder three times. I have to admit, seeing so many posts about Katie's mom is hard to ignore. That pattern inside of me is fighting to be followed, but I know that I can't get better if I keep letting myself give in. So, I read the posts and in my mind and heart, I sent love. I said a prayer for the person who wrote it and another for Karen, and then moved on. I didn't reach out, I didn't react, I didn't move to lessen the pain or take the suffering away. I just sat in silence and prayed, and that feels really hard. It feels like the opposite of what I normally do. I act. Not this time. This time, I just ground and focus on healing.
I feel far from Kara and I know that's to be expected. I've caused a lot of pain, and each time this all resurfaces, this comes to light all over again. Heather said I have core themes:
I want to be seen and feel heard
I don't feel like I deserve forgiveness, and I do deserve to be punished.
Those aren't new revelations for me, but hard to hear, all the same. The first one makes sense- because Im always the one who takes back seat or just listens. Speaking up or asking for my needs to be met is not always possible. Vulnerability hangover is a real thing.
ANd the deserving punishment part, well, it was me who messed up, so I think there is real reason why I deserve to be punished. Makes sense, right? How do I ever recover from this? I feel like such an impostor. I am hurting everyone.
I feel far from Kara and I know that's to be expected. I've caused a lot of pain, and each time this all resurfaces, this comes to light all over again. Heather said I have core themes:
I want to be seen and feel heard
I don't feel like I deserve forgiveness, and I do deserve to be punished.
Those aren't new revelations for me, but hard to hear, all the same. The first one makes sense- because Im always the one who takes back seat or just listens. Speaking up or asking for my needs to be met is not always possible. Vulnerability hangover is a real thing.
ANd the deserving punishment part, well, it was me who messed up, so I think there is real reason why I deserve to be punished. Makes sense, right? How do I ever recover from this? I feel like such an impostor. I am hurting everyone.