(no subject)
It's official, I should get drunk more often.
I tend to have epiphanies when my mind relaxes.
For instance, tonight I realized that simply being loved by others isn't enough to be fulfilled. If that were the case, I would have had that years ago. The key to happiness is mutual love. Coming in and going out, like the tide - rhythmic and reciprocated.
An idea that had been vaguely covered in my ethics class, though from a different angle - or maybe I missed it.
And that kind of explains somethings about me. Perhaps an inability to love? Regardless, it explains why I've had -6- honeymoon style relationships. Short length, I find myself antsy or bored after a little while. I am loved, but the difficulty in trusting enough to love back leaves me dissatisfied and wanting to go, to search for someone I can love.
But.. is it me searching for someone that I can love, or running from a deeper problem? Something to think about.
I know the dream I had last night was mildly disturbing.
Sometime in the night Stephen came and drugged me, adn when I awoke I was in his apartment. It was a little different, maybe a bit cleaner in my dream, less cluttered - slightly more organized. When questioned, the only response I got was him going on and on about Halo2. Literally, for hours while I was bound on the bed. Creepy as hell dream, though not overly suprising or disturbing.
Though I realized that what I have here is a far sight better than what I left behind there.
I have a chance to get my cats back - but I'm not sure I can pull it off, not sure it can be done. Not with money being the way it is right now.
I have a chance to visit friends, see new faces, meet new people. It's a small town and I hate small towns, but still... maybe I should give it a shot... if only to stay long enough to get my feet under me. Get a job, save some money. See if this is where I want to be, or need to be.
And if need be I have a couple places I could go, if I need to. If that's the way things go. Maybe it's just me that's still broken.. I mean, I've unravelled a lot of the reasons and reactions that I have to things and situations - but I know there's still a big tangle of emotional yarn in me that I haven't even touched on. I can be objective. I can examine myself with a critical eye... but I can only examine what I have found, what I have studied already.
I tend to have epiphanies when my mind relaxes.
For instance, tonight I realized that simply being loved by others isn't enough to be fulfilled. If that were the case, I would have had that years ago. The key to happiness is mutual love. Coming in and going out, like the tide - rhythmic and reciprocated.
An idea that had been vaguely covered in my ethics class, though from a different angle - or maybe I missed it.
And that kind of explains somethings about me. Perhaps an inability to love? Regardless, it explains why I've had -6- honeymoon style relationships. Short length, I find myself antsy or bored after a little while. I am loved, but the difficulty in trusting enough to love back leaves me dissatisfied and wanting to go, to search for someone I can love.
But.. is it me searching for someone that I can love, or running from a deeper problem? Something to think about.
I know the dream I had last night was mildly disturbing.
Sometime in the night Stephen came and drugged me, adn when I awoke I was in his apartment. It was a little different, maybe a bit cleaner in my dream, less cluttered - slightly more organized. When questioned, the only response I got was him going on and on about Halo2. Literally, for hours while I was bound on the bed. Creepy as hell dream, though not overly suprising or disturbing.
Though I realized that what I have here is a far sight better than what I left behind there.
I have a chance to get my cats back - but I'm not sure I can pull it off, not sure it can be done. Not with money being the way it is right now.
I have a chance to visit friends, see new faces, meet new people. It's a small town and I hate small towns, but still... maybe I should give it a shot... if only to stay long enough to get my feet under me. Get a job, save some money. See if this is where I want to be, or need to be.
And if need be I have a couple places I could go, if I need to. If that's the way things go. Maybe it's just me that's still broken.. I mean, I've unravelled a lot of the reasons and reactions that I have to things and situations - but I know there's still a big tangle of emotional yarn in me that I haven't even touched on. I can be objective. I can examine myself with a critical eye... but I can only examine what I have found, what I have studied already.