love lessons- on how to let yourself be vulnerable
A friend of mine saw a psychic recently who told her that she needs to practice being vulnerable in order to let a good man "see" her. (I talked to this psychic too, but that's another story.) The friend emailed me afterwards saying she doesn't know how to be vulnerable-- what does it really mean to "open up" to someone? It's something that took me, or rather, is taking me time and patience to learn. Change is hard. But I've made a lot of progress in the past few years.
Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward
Expressing honest/mundane emotion is one place to start. For some reason I have a hard time admitting to my boyfriend when I'm anxious or stressed, because doing so makes me vulnerable particularl if I am judging my stress to be "silly" or disproportionate. Like, if something stupid happens at work and I feel strongly about it, and I also feel judgmental of myself for feeling strongly about it, I'll try to hide that from him and from myself (which just makes it worse). But he sees through it, obviously, and calls me out till I fess up, then I feel vulnerable, then I see the stress for what it is and I see that he sees me for what I am and is fine with it, and then we end up closer. So-- being honest with the other and also being honest with yourself. I think that's vulnerability.
Also, admitting when you want something and are afraid you won't or can't have it.
And, while we're talking about wanting, I was discussing with a different friend her recent romantic plight in which she felt strongly about this guy because she liked "how present" she felt when she was with him, but she was struggling for various reasons. I told her about the time I realized that whenever I felt strongly attracted to someone that wasn't a great match for me, it was always because I unconsciously turned them into a symbol of some quality that I liked while ignoring their other qualities which were not harmonious with my desires.
For example, I've historically been very attracted to creatively abundant guys with bohemian lifestyles who are emotionally unavailable for whatever reason. The revelation was to realize that I wanted their attributes of creativity and freedo for myself-- I didn't want them as whole people at all! as evidenced by the fact that I spent so much energy during our interactions trying to change them or trying to change the nature of the relationship and struggling, struggling, struggling. I confused attraction to the quality-- and desire to embody this quality myself-- with attraction to the person. I saw my most serious ex as being an "Artist" with this amazing creative bohemian life and a band and blah blah blah, but that was all I accepted of him-- I ignored the emotional unavailability and Peter Pan maturity level until long afterwards, because I had turned him into a symbol of this thing that I actually just wanted for myself.
What object or person do you suffer for and crave and obsess over?
Does it reveal what you want to have or what you want to become?
Maybe I went specifically for the emotionally unavailable ones because on some level, I knew that I actually just wanted to learn about being an artist but wasn't ready for a relationship, although I thought I was.
(thoughts again sabotaging
the wisdom of desire)
I pointed out to my friend that maybe what she actually wanted was not this guy, but to feel present. And perhaps she was struggling in her interactions with him because she loves when she feels present with him but doesn't love these other things about him or their relationship so much, and so there's cognitive and emotional dissonance. She agreed. Another friend chimed in that at some point, he realized the converse of this dynamic-- that when he feels repulsed by someone, it's because he's repulsed by that element in himself.
Now I see this dynamic as such a blessing, because through it I've learned that whenever I feel particularly energized around a person in a positive OR negative way, it's like a clear sign saying "Go this way" or "Dead end" towards or away from whatever quality of that person has got you obsessing.
I'm curious if this resonates with you, and why or why not?
- K