EPHIPHANY! AND MAYBE IF YOU SPELL IT BETTER IT WILL MEAN SOMETHING, TRISH.
T O Negative One (12:03:45 AM): How are you feeling?
ArtemisBear (12:04:15 AM): lots and lots and lots better
ArtemisBear (12:04:21 AM): dave is iming me on aim though
ArtemisBear (12:04:25 AM): i have no idea what he said
T O Negative One (12:04:28 AM): About what?
T O Negative One (12:04:28 AM): oh
ArtemisBear (12:04:40 AM): i feel like i should email him
ArtemisBear (12:05:12 AM): and just explain i'm going to need a long time, because i slowly started finally acknowlging that for years we were in abusive patterns
ArtemisBear (12:05:22 AM): and i need time to distance myself from that
ArtemisBear (12:05:27 AM): but i KNOW he will respond
ArtemisBear (12:06:12 AM): and his responce would only set me back
ArtemisBear (12:06:16 AM): and make me more fragile
T O Negative One (12:07:00 AM): Trish, from being on the end of someone who doesn't want to talk to me, just going no contact is really shitty. Maybe you should send him an email explaining what you've come to realize, and it might be good for you to know you're getting it out to him
T O Negative One (12:07:14 AM): If he replies, you can just archive the email and it won't be in your inbox
ArtemisBear (12:08:09 AM): matt's not going through the same thing i am
ArtemisBear (12:08:14 AM): he's the abusive jerk
T O Negative One (12:08:44 AM): I know, but I understand that curiosity can = relentlessness
T O Negative One (12:09:36 AM): He'll keep IMing you
ArtemisBear (12:10:26 AM): he has to learn eventually
ArtemisBear (12:10:30 AM): and i can't let him control me
ArtemisBear (12:10:36 AM): even an email would be me giving in
T O Negative One (12:11:36 AM): okay
ArtemisBear (12:12:59 AM): i think thast's my problem
ArtemisBear (12:13:01 AM): i feel guilty
ArtemisBear (12:13:12 AM): and i have nothing to feel guilty for
ArtemisBear (12:13:38 AM): but he's got that power over me, and these feelings like some bad spell he has over me threaten to revert me back to who i was
ArtemisBear (12:13:53 AM): and not letting me move on with my life as who i am
ArtemisBear (12:13:59 AM): and who i am becoming
ArtemisBear (12:14:02 AM): he makes me stagnet
ArtemisBear (12:14:07 AM): but i feel so damn guilty
ArtemisBear (12:14:13 AM): and every time he ims me i feel uneasy
ArtemisBear (12:14:24 AM): i go into a state of total panic
T O Negative One (12:15:48 AM): You've been through so much with him emotionally, and it wasn't good, not even most of it. It will take you a long time to talk to him and it not throw you into that state of panic
ArtemisBear (12:17:48 AM): yeah
ArtemisBear (12:17:56 AM): you know who else does that to me?
ArtemisBear (12:18:00 AM): the only other person?
ArtemisBear (12:18:02 AM): my father.
T O Negative One (12:18:09 AM): :S
ArtemisBear (12:18:10 AM): and the boys keep comparing them
T O Negative One (12:19:06 AM): That is strange
ArtemisBear (12:19:31 AM): no it's not
ArtemisBear (12:19:36 AM): they have a lot in common.
T O Negative One (12:20:22 AM): I wonder if it's true
T O Negative One (12:20:37 AM): You always end up finding someone that is like you parent
T O Negative One (12:20:44 AM): That has always stuck with me
T O Negative One (12:21:06 AM): But you broke the cycle. I highly doubt Adam is like your dad at all except for being a guy
ArtemisBear (12:21:06 AM): yeah
ArtemisBear (12:21:13 AM): you have to fight away from that
ArtemisBear (12:21:18 AM): he's like my grandfather
T O Negative One (12:21:24 AM): I want to grow peonies http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/2/peonieshe4.jpg
ArtemisBear (12:21:34 AM): so at least he's the right father :P
ArtemisBear (12:21:45 AM): OOHH I WANT YOU TO GROW THEM TOO!
T O Negative One (12:22:09 AM): lol
So, I can't talk to him for a long time, so I can maintain my own control. Thnxu, my Squeeze!
As for right now I have the NOT FLU - U NEEDS SOME MOAR ANTIBIOTICS BECAUSE I'M NOT IRL A DR I JUST LIKE TO DISH OUT PILLZ AND NOT DO TESTS! Y U NOT TAEK MAH PILLZ???
I should just clarify real quick - I don't think Matt is a bad person, I just don't think he's capeable of treating Andrea as amazing and wonderful as she needs to be treated right now. And I've told them both that, and I think they both agree. It's hard to be in the middle there and love two people so much. I went through it way harder with Stef and Richard. I am honored though, that I get to be someone who can be trusted like that. It's an amazing feeling when anyone can confide in me at all. Andrea thinks she's exhausted me, but I'm kind of like fire. Not only will I make your genitals burn, but as long as you keep feeding me and showing me you're doing what you need to do for yourself at your own pace then I'll stay strong and hot. With boobs everywhere, of course. It's when you become so fragile that you give up that I get weak too, and I can only hold you up for so long because I'm just a support beam, you're the foundation.
That's really what I've learned about myself this year. I'm the foundation. Dave has the potential to break me down and just make me a worthless heap of Heaps, but I'm not going to let him get close to me. I rely on myself now. Sure I call Adam crying because I have a fever and I'm suddenly cold for no reason and why am I cold?? WHY AM I COLD ADAM??? Your body needs to make a fever honey, you're sick. WHY AM I COLD??? OH GOD!!!!!! I JUST THE WHOLE BOTTLE!!!! IS THIS DANGEROUS??? But, I'm still the one with blankets and the remote to the fan, calling out of work, lying on the floor and crawling towards the kitchen. I'm ultimately the only one that can get myself through any of this shit. Bipolar, the flu, math class, pooping until my ass is searing with pain, me, I'm in control. Yes, I'm going to have panic attacks every time my dad calls or Dave ims me, I can't control that initial reaction. But, in time I think I can talk to Dave a little again. I just need a lot of time and every time he ims me he prolongs that time. He thinks I should be really direct and upfront with him, but my doing so would make him explode with anger. And it's always been a rule, a very spoken rule, that I'm the one who has to brace for that anger and wade out the storm. But, I don't need to do that now. I'd never let any of my friends talk to or treat me the way he does, why would I let Dave do what he does? Does he have some kind of special ex privlages? No. He's just one of my friends now. So, until he can respect that I am a person and I will treat him as I expect to be treated, and until he can treat me as I expect to be treated, I will simply not treat him at all. This sounds cruel, but it hurts for me to talk to him. It's hard for me, because I need to make this conscioence effort to say "wait, he's not right all of the time, he's wrong most of the time and the things he's saying to you are unfair and you will not tolerate them." I love how he'll go from cruel and hot and a few days later say "I really miss you." It's way too late for that road now. That road has been exploded and a national park put up in it's place.
Anyway I guess that's all I guess. I need to sleep and possibly read for methods.
And remember - Sociology is an intellectual ADVENTURE! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
