The Tale of Green Scorpion. (If you can't beat 'em... )
Hung out with Jen two nights in a row. I'm really going to miss her, and it sucks that we could have been talking all this time, but I was too stupid to just call her. Had a good conversation with G about meta-physical things, and I feel like my mind has really been expanded in the past two days. Between Jen and G, it's nice to be back in the swing of things, ultra-intellectually, I mean. I haven't thought about things of that nature deeply in quite some time. Not in ways that I'd discuss openly.
Didn't see Brian most of yesterday, or today. On my end, I think it really might be over. I tried telling him this would happen, that the less I saw of him, the more iffy I'm going to get about all of it - the more I'm going to think about it, and we all know what happens when I start thinking about it. After the thinking comes the insecurities and then the doubt. Doubt leads to rationalization, rationalizations bring up the ugly truth, and the ugly truth forces me to take pre-cautionary measures.
What's my measure? Protecting myself, separating myself from him so that when it ends I can hit the ground running. If I do this on my own terms, I won't be nearly as affected if he breaks up with me and I'm not prepared... (I won't mention what I'm referencing. You Know Who I'm Talking About.) Apathy is the best way to not get hurt. I know that I still love him on a few levels, I just really don't love what he is RIGHT now. Perhaps I have learned my lesson, You Know Who. Maybe I should just stop accepting the little things that are wrong with people - their little flaws, I mean, in regards to my own heart. Maybe if I hadn't accepted yours I wouldn't be in this befuddlement, but it's double sided because I often wish I could thank you for the opportunity that you gave me to discover real honest Love, and to discover who I was (am) in the process...
With that figured out, when he did come home today, after spending the night away (at Heather's, alone, again... ) and not calling to tell me that he was staying out, or where he was (which was really fine, I had a wonderful day yesterday, and I even managed to sleep well without him) I found myself not really caring. It was a nice change from his night-spending at Heather's bothering me, and resulting in me sobbing like a moron about it to whoever wanted to listen, though.
I'm almost over the fear of what it would be like to be without him. It's even fleeting when I'm around him, and that's the part that's most scary to me, and always has been.
I do love him though... ?
Didn't see Brian most of yesterday, or today. On my end, I think it really might be over. I tried telling him this would happen, that the less I saw of him, the more iffy I'm going to get about all of it - the more I'm going to think about it, and we all know what happens when I start thinking about it. After the thinking comes the insecurities and then the doubt. Doubt leads to rationalization, rationalizations bring up the ugly truth, and the ugly truth forces me to take pre-cautionary measures.
What's my measure? Protecting myself, separating myself from him so that when it ends I can hit the ground running. If I do this on my own terms, I won't be nearly as affected if he breaks up with me and I'm not prepared... (I won't mention what I'm referencing. You Know Who I'm Talking About.) Apathy is the best way to not get hurt. I know that I still love him on a few levels, I just really don't love what he is RIGHT now. Perhaps I have learned my lesson, You Know Who. Maybe I should just stop accepting the little things that are wrong with people - their little flaws, I mean, in regards to my own heart. Maybe if I hadn't accepted yours I wouldn't be in this befuddlement, but it's double sided because I often wish I could thank you for the opportunity that you gave me to discover real honest Love, and to discover who I was (am) in the process...
With that figured out, when he did come home today, after spending the night away (at Heather's, alone, again... ) and not calling to tell me that he was staying out, or where he was (which was really fine, I had a wonderful day yesterday, and I even managed to sleep well without him) I found myself not really caring. It was a nice change from his night-spending at Heather's bothering me, and resulting in me sobbing like a moron about it to whoever wanted to listen, though.
I'm almost over the fear of what it would be like to be without him. It's even fleeting when I'm around him, and that's the part that's most scary to me, and always has been.
I do love him though... ?