Hookah, Luck
Hookah sessions have never been so liberating for me. I was just at hookah for about.. 3 hours.. with Nola. It was fantastic. I havn't had such a deep, intelligent conversation with someone who will just listen to me, and support me and inspire me in a long time. (outside of Sarah, that is) I'm really surprised by her right now. I've always known how smart Nola is, but I never knew how incredibly deep she is too. I'm happy that I figured this one out. I've figured out a lot this year. I'm finally at that point where I don't have to be fake anymore, I'm real. This is me, and I love myself. I love that I have a reliable group of people surrounding me that know ME, and accept me, and want to be around me. People who are also smart, and loving, and people that I'm going to know for a long time. People I don't have to pretend around anymore.
I feel like I'm becoming more and more enlightened, as the days pass from the tragedy that occured a week or two ago that I thought would surely be the end of my life. Yet oddly.. I've realized..
Matt New, is a blessing in my life. We were never friends, only lovers. Here was a guy who put the color inside my life. He was always a maze, who would change his course persistantly while convienently driving me insane. I'm free of that now. I've done all I can, did all I could, to stand at his door step with my heart in my hand for him. I' finally see that this has nothing to do with me. This is all about him, as it always has been. I hope that even if I knew how this would end, my junior year in college, in the 9th grade... I still would have done it. I know I wouldn't have had the insight to say 'yeah, I want to hurt myself for 7 years' when I was that young, but I can't help but think of what my life would be like without Matt New. He took me to my highest and lowest points romantically and emotionally over the last 7 years. He hurt me, made me change myself, and ultimately.. I feel like I'm a better person. I could have done this game with anyone. When I say anyone, I mean a few dozen other guys. I'm not giving matt enough credit.. I couldn't have done 7 YEARS with just anyone. But, I could have gone up and down with dozens of guys who I would have believed loved me for years, and probably lost hope in the male species.
Instead, I'm lucky enough to have had all this with just one person. One person taught me so much, not so me he did, but one person allowed me to teach myself so much through him. I know how strong I am now, without him. I know how strong, and loving of a person I am without the fallback. Now, I also know I CAN move on from things like this. I also know how feirce of a lover I am, because for 7 years, I loved him. I didn't give up in the face of a desolate lonely heart, instead I unconditionally gave myself to a fault.
I can move on. and it feels so good to say I have.
I can't wait to have a real relationship. I'm not discrediting my past relationships.. well.. singular, relationship. Chris was fantastic, and I blame myself for not being able to make that work better.
I have no more messes to clean up. I've been standing here watching him walk away for 7 years. I have that much faith in people..
I CAN LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!!
I can't wait.. I cannot wait to love someone the way I loved Matt and have them love me back. That will be the greatest day romance has ever seen in history.
I can love someone else.
I can put everything into someone else, and they will appreciate it.
I havn't stopped smiling since the other weekend. I'm so happy with my life now.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm on the brink of that great love. I met a guy who I feel like is putting the color inside my world again. I havn't felt like that about anyone ever, besides Matt. It feels good, because I know I'm doing the same thing for him. He's smart, motivated, sweet and he likes me.
I like him too.
I feel like I'm back at Mallory's house, seeing him and falling in love under the stars in his car.
haha :)
Its so much better this time though, because I'm falling in love in Boulder, as real as I ever have, and I've got the world at my feet. He's falling for me too, and I don't have to worry. I don't have to be scared, I don't have to wonder what his intentions are, and I don't have to be blonde, or a sorority girl, or prissy, or good at beer pong...
He likes me. He loves my hair no matter how I do it, he kisses me when I have no makeup on, and he holds my hand just because he can. His passion is one to rival my own, and thats exciting.
John Mayer suddenly is so sweet.
I feel like I'm becoming more and more enlightened, as the days pass from the tragedy that occured a week or two ago that I thought would surely be the end of my life. Yet oddly.. I've realized..
Matt New, is a blessing in my life. We were never friends, only lovers. Here was a guy who put the color inside my life. He was always a maze, who would change his course persistantly while convienently driving me insane. I'm free of that now. I've done all I can, did all I could, to stand at his door step with my heart in my hand for him. I' finally see that this has nothing to do with me. This is all about him, as it always has been. I hope that even if I knew how this would end, my junior year in college, in the 9th grade... I still would have done it. I know I wouldn't have had the insight to say 'yeah, I want to hurt myself for 7 years' when I was that young, but I can't help but think of what my life would be like without Matt New. He took me to my highest and lowest points romantically and emotionally over the last 7 years. He hurt me, made me change myself, and ultimately.. I feel like I'm a better person. I could have done this game with anyone. When I say anyone, I mean a few dozen other guys. I'm not giving matt enough credit.. I couldn't have done 7 YEARS with just anyone. But, I could have gone up and down with dozens of guys who I would have believed loved me for years, and probably lost hope in the male species.
Instead, I'm lucky enough to have had all this with just one person. One person taught me so much, not so me he did, but one person allowed me to teach myself so much through him. I know how strong I am now, without him. I know how strong, and loving of a person I am without the fallback. Now, I also know I CAN move on from things like this. I also know how feirce of a lover I am, because for 7 years, I loved him. I didn't give up in the face of a desolate lonely heart, instead I unconditionally gave myself to a fault.
I can move on. and it feels so good to say I have.
I can't wait to have a real relationship. I'm not discrediting my past relationships.. well.. singular, relationship. Chris was fantastic, and I blame myself for not being able to make that work better.
I have no more messes to clean up. I've been standing here watching him walk away for 7 years. I have that much faith in people..
I CAN LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!!!
I can't wait.. I cannot wait to love someone the way I loved Matt and have them love me back. That will be the greatest day romance has ever seen in history.
I can love someone else.
I can put everything into someone else, and they will appreciate it.
I havn't stopped smiling since the other weekend. I'm so happy with my life now.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm on the brink of that great love. I met a guy who I feel like is putting the color inside my world again. I havn't felt like that about anyone ever, besides Matt. It feels good, because I know I'm doing the same thing for him. He's smart, motivated, sweet and he likes me.
I like him too.
I feel like I'm back at Mallory's house, seeing him and falling in love under the stars in his car.
haha :)
Its so much better this time though, because I'm falling in love in Boulder, as real as I ever have, and I've got the world at my feet. He's falling for me too, and I don't have to worry. I don't have to be scared, I don't have to wonder what his intentions are, and I don't have to be blonde, or a sorority girl, or prissy, or good at beer pong...
He likes me. He loves my hair no matter how I do it, he kisses me when I have no makeup on, and he holds my hand just because he can. His passion is one to rival my own, and thats exciting.
John Mayer suddenly is so sweet.