Mar 16, 2007 04:09
I might have just gotten what I finally needed from Matt, and that was an honest, very open talk.
I can't even write about this right now.. I'm too just.. stunned.
yes I can..
Matt and I were talking online and we decided to hang out for awhile. I go over, we have a couple beers and we were flirting a lot and everything and he makes the move.. totally makes the move. Suzanne = freaking out because the very place we were sitting is the place where we decided face to face not to continue things like this.
Quickly going from couch to bed, we undress and start to have sex. Matt was like "i'm sorry I can't do this.. I'm sorry I'm sorry" and we stop and just.. he pulled me into him and kind of buried his head in my shoulder. I kept telling him it was ok and he was like 'no I'm such an asshole' and he kept going on and on about what a jerk he is. I kept trying to comfort him and tell him it was ok.. and he was like 'you don't ever get mad.. just get mad. Get pissed about this, please' I told him I wasn't going to get pissed, because I'm simply not capable of that. I told him I've been upset about it before though.. a lot. I told him how its always been him since freshman year at Mallory's.. how I've kind of been holding out for him that long.. how everything I've ever done for him has been more or less an act of love - down to telling him to go after another girl. I have loved him in every way possible, and now he knows that. The most satisfying part.. he told me he had a crush on me too. I don't know when, I don't know how long - that wasn't important. The important thing is that its been reciprocated. I've loved Matt for years, and for even a moment he's loved me back. The whole time we talked he held me, stroked my hair, tickled my back and kissed me softly. We made love one more time... and it was simply amazing. I told him that now that we've talked about everything possible in this world between us, if maybe he ever got a crush on me again.. he should talk to me about it. I have been crazy about him since I've known him, and who knows what would have happened if he had told me then. Maybe its better this way, because now its on the table and for the first time I feel so genuine with him. I'm still getting my head around the idea that he knows all this. The secrets I've guarded so closly for years are out, and I feel spectacular about it! Maybe this is the beginning of something new for us, maybe now it can and will happen. Maybe it won't... but thats actualy ok now. Because he knows what I thought, I know what he knew, and I know that at some point in my life my efforts weren't wasted, because he liked me.
Ross and Rachel after all? Lets see.. its not impossible, and now I feel closer to that than ever. I can't say I'm going to stop loving him now, because thats simply impossible. I'll always love him in some way. I can't just get over him, but if right now is the beginning of that, I know this will be a lot less challenging than it was. I finally have that peice of him that I always wanted. I love my life right now. I LOVE MY LIFE!!!