Have you ever...
....wanted something so badly that it physically hurts to think about it? That you're so passionate about it, but you know if there's just one slip, or one person better than you, everything you've ever dreamt about doing will come crashing down? And it hurts because you're so close, but you know it's too far to be in with a good chance of that dream.
Because no matter how hard you try, those chances have been so greatly reduced that everyone around you says almost dismissively that, "Nahh, you'll be fine", when you know that the statistics say otherwise. And I know there are other routes into Medicine, and I know x number of people get in with a B in Chemistry, and x number of people get in through clearing. But that doesn't mean I'm any less stressed or concerned about my chances.
All my life I've been as independent as my age and circumstances have allowed me to be. I'm not the most open to people because that's the way I am. I don't talk about things because I can handle them. It DOES NOT make me unstable. I hate it when people question me, or doubt that. "I want to help," makes me want to punch people. I talk when I need to, not when you want me to. And that's what frustrates me and makes me cry because I can't put the things I want or need to say into words when I need to.
For you to turn to me and say that you don't think I'm mentally capable of going to university cuts me deep, it's the biggest insult you could give me, because I've worked so hard to be independent, and for you not to believe in me in that sense, it hurts. And I don't care that you don't understand what I'm going through with the A-Levels, and your blind faith carries you through in thinking that I'll get all the grades I need to and get in, but give me a bit of credit. You say 'grow up' but sometimes I think your deluded view of the world needs a reality check. I've looked into the stuff, and I know what that B means. Sit down and actually listen to what I have to say instead of brushing me off like the child you so obviously think I am - that's the very reason I've fought for my independence from I was little anyway. I HATE being treated like a child, and I hate being talked down to. You, claiming to 'know me so well' should know that best of all.
So I will do Medicine, and I will do my resits, and I will do my best, and if I don't get it first time, I'll be down, but there are other ways. I KNOW THAT. But at the same time I don't have to share my stress with you, or concerns, because in this instance I just know I won't feel in control of my life if I do. It's my life. You have no say. So you know what? I will ask for advice from you sometimes, but get it into your head; this. is. NOT. one of those times. Do proper A-Levels, not a fucking NVQ, apply to Uni and we'll see what's what then.
Just let me get on with it. Me and thousands of other teenagers are going through the same thing, so just let it be.
(Very much strained) love,
Your daughter.