They say it's lonely at the top...Let me tell you man it kills at the bottom...
So, not to get into too much detail about it, but how come everytime I finally think people are really good friends and things are going well they take a big ol' steamin shit on your face????? I sit back and watch how everyone around me is so involved with themselves. They devote all their energy into making only themselves happy and it makes me fucking sick. I wish I had that luxury. It's like people forget about you when you are going through a tragedy. I don't know, sometimes I just wish that my friends could see how much pain I'm in and ask me if I'm doing ok. I feel like none of my friends really give a shit, or they just don't want to hear it. But don't I have the right to just be sad sometimes and not be brushed aside?
I really do think I'm losing it. I hate to even say this, but the other night I almost resorted to cutting again. I haven't done that in almost two years or even thought about it. But I found myself locked in my parents bathroom the other night, hysterical, eyeing every sharp object on the counter. And as I picked up a pair of cuticle scissors, and held it against my skin, my cell phone rings. Thank god for Amber. If she hadn't called at that exact moment I would have blown it. I didn't tell her, or anybody else, about what I was getting ready to do. But as soon as I heard her voice I dropped the scissors and began sobbing. She asked me what was wrong, but all I could sputter out was "it hasn't been a good day." Then she asked, "is it your dad?" and I said yes. Then she talked to me for a bit and said she'd call me later and give me some time to calm myself. So, I hung up the phone and continued crying while hugging my knees to my chest leaned against the wall. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I can't even look at my dad anymore. Every time I do my heart just falls. He now has Bells Palsy (paralysis of one side of the face), he has to wear depends diapers, can't get up without supervision, and he has been refusing to take his heart medication. He told my mom that there was no point so he was just gonna stop. Between my dad, my brother, the pressure from my mother, and my own psychotic problems I sometimes wonder if I'm ever gonna make it through this. Right now it seems hopeless and I feel completely helpless. And it really pisses me off that my friends keep getting frustrated that I can't drop everything to be with them like I used to. Things were so much easier in those days, but at least I'm seeing some peoples true colors now. I think some of the things I've heard lately are pretty god damn selfish of people to say considering what I'm going through. I'm having a hard enough time trying to coax myself out of bed everyday, let alone do other shit. So, here I sit...an emotional time bomb ready to explode. I haven't felt this way in many years, and the fact that I've hit bottom again scares me. Down here I don't know what I'm capable of.
I really do think I'm losing it. I hate to even say this, but the other night I almost resorted to cutting again. I haven't done that in almost two years or even thought about it. But I found myself locked in my parents bathroom the other night, hysterical, eyeing every sharp object on the counter. And as I picked up a pair of cuticle scissors, and held it against my skin, my cell phone rings. Thank god for Amber. If she hadn't called at that exact moment I would have blown it. I didn't tell her, or anybody else, about what I was getting ready to do. But as soon as I heard her voice I dropped the scissors and began sobbing. She asked me what was wrong, but all I could sputter out was "it hasn't been a good day." Then she asked, "is it your dad?" and I said yes. Then she talked to me for a bit and said she'd call me later and give me some time to calm myself. So, I hung up the phone and continued crying while hugging my knees to my chest leaned against the wall. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I can't even look at my dad anymore. Every time I do my heart just falls. He now has Bells Palsy (paralysis of one side of the face), he has to wear depends diapers, can't get up without supervision, and he has been refusing to take his heart medication. He told my mom that there was no point so he was just gonna stop. Between my dad, my brother, the pressure from my mother, and my own psychotic problems I sometimes wonder if I'm ever gonna make it through this. Right now it seems hopeless and I feel completely helpless. And it really pisses me off that my friends keep getting frustrated that I can't drop everything to be with them like I used to. Things were so much easier in those days, but at least I'm seeing some peoples true colors now. I think some of the things I've heard lately are pretty god damn selfish of people to say considering what I'm going through. I'm having a hard enough time trying to coax myself out of bed everyday, let alone do other shit. So, here I sit...an emotional time bomb ready to explode. I haven't felt this way in many years, and the fact that I've hit bottom again scares me. Down here I don't know what I'm capable of.