(no subject)
you know what? ... FUCK!
i just got alot on my mind right now. nothing new has really happened. were "seeing" each other right now i guess but i still have the same shitty feelings. i cant love him. hes too much of an asshole to love anymore it seems sometimes. yes i do wanna be with him. yes i do want things to be right between us again. but how is that possible anymore? he fucked me over one too many times. after he begged for forgiveness the first time and even said all this stuff about wanting to marry me he still fucked up. whats worse he lies to me about it constantly. im sure hes still lying when he said it had nothing to do with another girl.. im not that stupid. i know for a fact that he asked ppl "who should i pick, her or her..?" im just sooooo fucking upset all the time. i really just sit and cry inside everywhere i go. whats the goddamn fucking point anymore. i cant trust him. well, dont get me wrong.. lately he has been trustworthy, but a few weeks doesnt make up for the things he did to me... and they wont for a long ass time. i just want to feel like he loves me. i wanna feel like i didnt waste 3 years of my life sacrificing myself for him to just push me aside. hes wronged me in so many ways and i give him chance after chance. i wonder why i bother. at least nothings wrong right now between us but i know this thing will just keep coming back up and im going to get hurt again. every time it happens i feel like i die all over again. he really is a part of me so i feel like that part of me leaves over and over again. i really cant take much more of this. i really need to find out if he wants me or not. and he has to be 100 percent sure at least. i dont want a guy that is only 80 percent sure they want me bc then 20 percent of the time hes gunna be seeking something else. i guess i just want my prince charming. im sick of feeling like im being used all the time. im sick of feeling like im just someone's back-up girl if things dont work out elsewhere. im always just going to be 2nd best and thats not good enuf for me. i just want to know what its like to be loved... for real. i dont even think he knows what love is...
i just got alot on my mind right now. nothing new has really happened. were "seeing" each other right now i guess but i still have the same shitty feelings. i cant love him. hes too much of an asshole to love anymore it seems sometimes. yes i do wanna be with him. yes i do want things to be right between us again. but how is that possible anymore? he fucked me over one too many times. after he begged for forgiveness the first time and even said all this stuff about wanting to marry me he still fucked up. whats worse he lies to me about it constantly. im sure hes still lying when he said it had nothing to do with another girl.. im not that stupid. i know for a fact that he asked ppl "who should i pick, her or her..?" im just sooooo fucking upset all the time. i really just sit and cry inside everywhere i go. whats the goddamn fucking point anymore. i cant trust him. well, dont get me wrong.. lately he has been trustworthy, but a few weeks doesnt make up for the things he did to me... and they wont for a long ass time. i just want to feel like he loves me. i wanna feel like i didnt waste 3 years of my life sacrificing myself for him to just push me aside. hes wronged me in so many ways and i give him chance after chance. i wonder why i bother. at least nothings wrong right now between us but i know this thing will just keep coming back up and im going to get hurt again. every time it happens i feel like i die all over again. he really is a part of me so i feel like that part of me leaves over and over again. i really cant take much more of this. i really need to find out if he wants me or not. and he has to be 100 percent sure at least. i dont want a guy that is only 80 percent sure they want me bc then 20 percent of the time hes gunna be seeking something else. i guess i just want my prince charming. im sick of feeling like im being used all the time. im sick of feeling like im just someone's back-up girl if things dont work out elsewhere. im always just going to be 2nd best and thats not good enuf for me. i just want to know what its like to be loved... for real. i dont even think he knows what love is...