i guess my background of who i am and the reasons i feel the way i do
i know why i hold back from everyone. sry if i ever did that to you and i know i have cuz ive done it to everyone that ive ever cared bout. just growin up sumns always divided me and took away the people that ive loved. something mentals wrong with my mom and shes not like a MOM. shes an annoying 2 yr old that cant think for herself. she needs ppl to tell her what to think. all she is is a mindless puppet performing tasks from one person to the other. my dad the complete opposite. he has many opinions but cant do squat for himself. when he gets home he demands things need to be in order. he'll starve to death in his own house before he would take food THATS ALREADY BEEN COOKED AND SITTING ON THE OVEN and heat it up to eat. he makes all of moms decisions in life and does nothing but sit on his fat lazy ass upstairs looking at child porn .. kinda... hes never been there for me EVER, moms never mentally been there for me. ive shunned away from that cuz i dont want to be that kind of person to anyone. i havent told mom or dad taht i love them in .. i cant even count the years. but thats fine with me. that attitudes blocked and hindered all my future relationships. my first bf i couldnt love cuz i didnt know how. i felt trapped cuz all he said to me was that he loved me and i felt guilty that i didnt feel the first way. cours number 2 comes along and i was tired of everything ive been thru so i gave him my whole heart. i loved him and trusted him way too much. he then tried to take that trust and manipulated it so he could have some physical pleasure. he then left me bc i wouldnt have sex with him. i guess you could say and left my heart in shambles. took me about 1 1/2 to 2 yrs before i finally gave my heart up again. i already learned and started to trust again. but still then i was just emotionally cut from the world. i never shared my feelings or gave anyone the chance to get to know the real me. i played like someone else on the outside. i sometimes tried to act a few yrs younger than i was just so i could try to have fun and not be serious for a change, cuz i was sick of life being so serious to me. through my last relationship occasionally i let him see the real me but i didn keep that cooped up inside too. but i worked on it and i worked for his love and received more than i could imagine. i feel like i didnt pay him back as well as i should have but he stole my heart anyways. now i wish i would have felt the way i do now. i woulda shown him that im not who he thinks i was. im really different and hardworking. not just some silly girl that shunned away from life. not any more at least. you dont know how honest i want to be now. how different of a person i really am. and im not changing for you, id become my true self for you. but now i guess its too late for everything. ive never been able to keep a friend, or a loved one ever. i just hope now i dont curl back up in my box again, which i can perdy much gurantee that i will. i just havent come to the realization that youre gone yet. but i know when i come to that point i'll retract back to that road i was spiraling down. but for some reason i just feel like this whole mess just started with some misunderstandings. things that i said or you said i think were twisted to make a different truth then what actually was. i also wish we had had the chance to discuss things b4 consequences were handed out. i feel like i didnt get a say in things. and now it feels like your not being totally honest with me. iunno maybe its my imagination, but we havent had time to say everything yet. and im sorry if you think im being too persistant, iunno if it hurts you or not. but something in my heart is pulling me towards sumn that i dont know of yet. and i want to get things cleared up before i make any decisions one way or another. but i think maybe our main problem was stubborness on both our parts. we both always hadda be right hadda have it our way. if i could go back id change everything cept my love. and right now i hope im not just speaking out of pain or fear. i just need someone there for me.. someone that ive needed for years. ive never had a constant person ever, not someone that i could always talk to when i was hurting, someone to rejoice with, to hug, w/e. everytime i make a best friend they move or ditch me for a boy or talk some real shit behind my back. so the past 2 years ive made it known to myself that i wouldnt get close to anyone again. well ive tried to break it now for a few months and im gettin better now that ive started my new job. its getting me used to actually talking to people again, even if its just plain conversation. its getting me more comfortable with things and what not. sigh, but i guess its too late now for anyone to see that. im broken again and all i need is someone to lift me up and love me. i think the person thats been there for me the longest is alex. sometimes shes the only reason i wake up in the morning. but sometimes a long distance nonseeing each other relationship is difficult. so sry if i ever did anything to hurt you or let you feel unloved either. but now i just want to take the time and space to say thank you for putting up with me for so long. youve carried me thru my best years. showing me another side of love that i havent seen b4 in my life. i just feel like love is something so sacred that it can really happen only once in your life.. and here i am letting it go.