ive finally said my peace and layed it all to rest
ok.. i got more to say than just silly lil dreams now. sry if i pushed you or made you mad or anything. i respect your decision cuz i know how hard it must have been to even conjure up such a thought much less act upon it. i know it was made with the best intentions not only for yourself but for me, for us. im not sure if i can agree 100% yet, but i guess time will just have to play this lil drama out. i think i was just mostly caught on the fact that i was used to having you there. i was that dog that whenever you rang the bell would drool for a treat. everytime i heard your voice, saw your face i longed for your love. but right now im drooling and gettin nothing, well maybe not nothing cuz i still do have your love. i just dont have your arms around me.. that security i once knew. i feel helpless bc i do need something to protect me now. i feel so vulnerable, but i intend to change that. im almost okay now tho, i just need to hear the story.. all the gut wrenchin details if you may lol. i dont know if i can feel completely separated until i know certain things. plus i think i have a right to know lol. but i know ill be fine whatevers gunna happen. life gives you twists and turns, ups and downs. but by far you were my biggest "up" but i guess the downs are scarey, but fun .. ish... afterward. i just dont know what im about to face, specially when i felt like i NEEDED you to complete the biggest transition in my life thus far. i dont know how im going to make it thru graduation, summer, start of college and on my own without someone constantly being there to comfort me or hold me. but so far i think takin a step toward friendships gunna help. itll build trust again, the openess i know we once had. i hope i can thoroughly be honest to you now. i hope my shell is broken and shattered. i just know if we wont become friends my heart that you tore open ill tear the rest of it up and then i know ill try to sew it back together.. and you know by your yoda pants that might not be such a great idea lol. but i realized that i pushed you a lil too far earlier and i apologize, im just a lil upset at the fact that i never had the courage to talk to you in such a manner earlier. i wish i had always been so open, so loving, forgiving.. just everything that you'da ever needed. guess im not tho, but hey thats life. i just miss your protection you gave me, you cant hug kevin now, nor shoo keeeenny away.. or anyone else that hits on me. but yeah, bein friends again is gunna rock, just promise to never avoid me ..even if im bein a lil b*tch or w/e. and maybe we could start again someday. you know id like that more than anything. but theres one thing i ask, and thats to never just consider me your "highschool sweetheart" i think ive worked harder to have a lame title like that lol. but gods been dealin with me cuz of this.. even a lil b4 hand but i just didnt notice it till i saw it all in perspective. i dont know what hes aiming at but its sumn big. and all hes told me is to WAIT. just one lil word, dont know for what.. or for who. but i know its someone special that i cant let slip away.