I've come to realize some things
I'm crazy.
And that is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as I work to get better, it cannot ruin my life. I can control my crazy. It's in my hands. I just have to keep telling myself: "It's just in your head, it's not the truth." As hard as it is to convince myself otherwise, I know it can be done. But it takes time. And it's in my hands.
The future is scary.
And my fear is justified. But it shouldn't hold me back. I may not know exactly what will happen tomorrow, yet I know I'll manage to survive somehow. I've survived this long, after all. As long as I keep fighting I will get past all the crap right now to the lesser crap that lies ahead. It's up to me to stay strong.
Relationships are hard.
And it takes two people to make them work. I can point fingers all I want, it doesn't change the fact that I'm pristine amongst all this. If the two people involved can sit down and talk through the fear, the anger, and the general shit that makes getting along so difficult, things will probably get better. Communication is key. One person can't talk to him/herself, but someone has to make the first move. And if not me, who? I might as well swallow my pride, bite the bullet, and perform all of the other cliches to better my situation. It's easy to bail in the middle of a fire fight, to run for your life and never look back, constantly regretting what could have been or could have been done. It's those that stay, continuing the fight and knowing that beyond that hill is glory, and even if casualties are incurred there's no question about what could or could not have been.
I cannot do this alone.
I am painfully aware of how fucked up I've allowed myself to become. I know I need to get help, to find better coping mechanisms. But I can't do that alone. My friends have been so helpful, and even they can't completely fix me. Maybe I'll never be "fixed." Still, whether or not I can be made "normal," I should see a psychiatrist, or at least some professional with training that can help me figure out better ways to deal with the shit I experience on a daily basis. I need someone who can not only give me an effective drug regimen, I need someone with whom I can talk through my paranoia, my mania, my depression, and all the other crap that keeps me from viewing the world around me as anything other than menacing.
I'll be okay.
As long as I can stay focused and think rationally (or at least think as rationally as I'm able to), I'll be fine. Maybe I'll never find a "cure," maybe I'll never be the calm, rational, emotionless being I occasionally desire to be. But I can be okay. I can accept who I am, what I am, how I think. It'll take time, but I'll eventually be okay.
It's within my control.
~Nacht Val
"That is not what we do with the lego bricks, Billy!"
And that is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as I work to get better, it cannot ruin my life. I can control my crazy. It's in my hands. I just have to keep telling myself: "It's just in your head, it's not the truth." As hard as it is to convince myself otherwise, I know it can be done. But it takes time. And it's in my hands.
The future is scary.
And my fear is justified. But it shouldn't hold me back. I may not know exactly what will happen tomorrow, yet I know I'll manage to survive somehow. I've survived this long, after all. As long as I keep fighting I will get past all the crap right now to the lesser crap that lies ahead. It's up to me to stay strong.
Relationships are hard.
And it takes two people to make them work. I can point fingers all I want, it doesn't change the fact that I'm pristine amongst all this. If the two people involved can sit down and talk through the fear, the anger, and the general shit that makes getting along so difficult, things will probably get better. Communication is key. One person can't talk to him/herself, but someone has to make the first move. And if not me, who? I might as well swallow my pride, bite the bullet, and perform all of the other cliches to better my situation. It's easy to bail in the middle of a fire fight, to run for your life and never look back, constantly regretting what could have been or could have been done. It's those that stay, continuing the fight and knowing that beyond that hill is glory, and even if casualties are incurred there's no question about what could or could not have been.
I cannot do this alone.
I am painfully aware of how fucked up I've allowed myself to become. I know I need to get help, to find better coping mechanisms. But I can't do that alone. My friends have been so helpful, and even they can't completely fix me. Maybe I'll never be "fixed." Still, whether or not I can be made "normal," I should see a psychiatrist, or at least some professional with training that can help me figure out better ways to deal with the shit I experience on a daily basis. I need someone who can not only give me an effective drug regimen, I need someone with whom I can talk through my paranoia, my mania, my depression, and all the other crap that keeps me from viewing the world around me as anything other than menacing.
I'll be okay.
As long as I can stay focused and think rationally (or at least think as rationally as I'm able to), I'll be fine. Maybe I'll never find a "cure," maybe I'll never be the calm, rational, emotionless being I occasionally desire to be. But I can be okay. I can accept who I am, what I am, how I think. It'll take time, but I'll eventually be okay.
It's within my control.
~Nacht Val
"That is not what we do with the lego bricks, Billy!"