Warning: severely emo post ahead.
I'm so sick and tired of this bullshit. My love life to this point has been a joke. I've had one relationship with someone I was never going to get to meet, was 11 years older than me, and lived on the other side of the continent, and another with someone who lived several states away and had what I'd best describe as multiple personality disorder. You know, I try and ignore it the best I can because the more I whine about it the more people don't want to care anymore, but sometimes, times like these, I just can't ignore it.
This was all supposed to get better when I came to college. My friends said I was going to meet people, I was going to escape Dolan and find someone I could really be happy with. The first semester, I scared a girl into asking me not to talk to her anymore in *3 DAYS*, and awkwardly tried to get to know a Taiwanese girl who I could barely understand and probably offended just by not being able to respond correctly since I didn't know what she was saying. By this point it was near the end of October, and I was about as miserable as I could be...so I picked up World of Warcraft. This made me feel a little better about my life in general because it numbed it. That sustained me till December or so. Which is when I met VGX.
Having a group of friends around helped. I also got to meet Krista, probably the coolest girl I know (with one exception...she knows who she is)...the only problem was I tried to take it the wrong way. I fell right back into this emotional depravity that seems to take me over, and almost ruined a good friendship for nothing. I was stopped, thank God, so my acting like a messed-up freak didn't totally fuck things up. Then the summer came along. My friends were wrong. I felt like I'd failed. I pretty much gave up on caring about my life and sunk into WoW.
The summer passed uneventfully...the only thing I even did was go over to Mike's for a weekend, and even there I wasn't able to forget about my failures. I came back down here, taking some relief in the fact that maybe I wasn't completely hated by the people who'd shown me a little love and had to deal with my ridiculous overreactions to that. I met a couple new people, and they gave me some hope. But that hope's changing again. I'm hopelessly obsessed with finding someone to be in love with, I can't convince myself to just let it come to me and what that does is cause me to react in ways that do nothing but get people annoyed with me and drive them off. It's unhealthy and it's not doing me any good...but I don't know any better. I don't know how to stop myself. Whenever I'm not busy with something else, I can't seem to keep my thoughts from all the things that might be, the intimacies and romantic moments I've never had in my life, and never will at this rate. I don't want to get obsessed again, I don't want to overreact and drive off people like I did last year...I want to just let things happen, let them flow. But I can't stop...I can try to control as best I can, but I can't stop. Is this just what happens to someone the longer they're single, the longer they have to doubt their ability to be attractive to another human being? Or am I just sick and messed up?
I don't like the life I see myself living in the future. I don't want to be forced to sate my obsession on prostitutes and drunken sluts...I'm better than that, I know it. But I don't see anything else in my future and that scares me so badly it's hard not to cry. I want a first date. I want a first kiss. I want a first time making love. I want to get married, to have kids, to be able to stare into my beloved's eyes and feel, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she desires me, that she wants me, that I fucking belong in this world. The thought that I'm never going to have any of that...it's enough to make me want to just crawl into bed and never get out again.
I have to stop this. I have to figure out how to do it. Or it's going to destroy me.
This was all supposed to get better when I came to college. My friends said I was going to meet people, I was going to escape Dolan and find someone I could really be happy with. The first semester, I scared a girl into asking me not to talk to her anymore in *3 DAYS*, and awkwardly tried to get to know a Taiwanese girl who I could barely understand and probably offended just by not being able to respond correctly since I didn't know what she was saying. By this point it was near the end of October, and I was about as miserable as I could be...so I picked up World of Warcraft. This made me feel a little better about my life in general because it numbed it. That sustained me till December or so. Which is when I met VGX.
Having a group of friends around helped. I also got to meet Krista, probably the coolest girl I know (with one exception...she knows who she is)...the only problem was I tried to take it the wrong way. I fell right back into this emotional depravity that seems to take me over, and almost ruined a good friendship for nothing. I was stopped, thank God, so my acting like a messed-up freak didn't totally fuck things up. Then the summer came along. My friends were wrong. I felt like I'd failed. I pretty much gave up on caring about my life and sunk into WoW.
The summer passed uneventfully...the only thing I even did was go over to Mike's for a weekend, and even there I wasn't able to forget about my failures. I came back down here, taking some relief in the fact that maybe I wasn't completely hated by the people who'd shown me a little love and had to deal with my ridiculous overreactions to that. I met a couple new people, and they gave me some hope. But that hope's changing again. I'm hopelessly obsessed with finding someone to be in love with, I can't convince myself to just let it come to me and what that does is cause me to react in ways that do nothing but get people annoyed with me and drive them off. It's unhealthy and it's not doing me any good...but I don't know any better. I don't know how to stop myself. Whenever I'm not busy with something else, I can't seem to keep my thoughts from all the things that might be, the intimacies and romantic moments I've never had in my life, and never will at this rate. I don't want to get obsessed again, I don't want to overreact and drive off people like I did last year...I want to just let things happen, let them flow. But I can't stop...I can try to control as best I can, but I can't stop. Is this just what happens to someone the longer they're single, the longer they have to doubt their ability to be attractive to another human being? Or am I just sick and messed up?
I don't like the life I see myself living in the future. I don't want to be forced to sate my obsession on prostitutes and drunken sluts...I'm better than that, I know it. But I don't see anything else in my future and that scares me so badly it's hard not to cry. I want a first date. I want a first kiss. I want a first time making love. I want to get married, to have kids, to be able to stare into my beloved's eyes and feel, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she desires me, that she wants me, that I fucking belong in this world. The thought that I'm never going to have any of that...it's enough to make me want to just crawl into bed and never get out again.
I have to stop this. I have to figure out how to do it. Or it's going to destroy me.