I have had several conversations recently with a well-meaning person who, when I say over the course of talking about things, that I am not entirely sane, that my brain is not normal, replies with "Oh, don't say that about yourself! Who's to say what 'normal' is? You're totally sane and normal!", and cannot understand that it's not me being self-denigrating, it's simply something that I have had to come to understand about myself. You can have the best attitude in the world, but that doesn't help if your brain decides that everything is going to make you cry today. It's taken me a very, very long time to understand that this is part of who I am, and something I will always have to deal with.
It's like.... she means well, really. But she CANNOT understand that the only way I can be okay with myself at all is to accept ALL of myself, including the fucked up bits. Most people interacting with me will never, ever see them, and it's a matter of trust that I show anything at all, so to have it thrown back in my face with denial is... a kind of betrayal of that.
What's worse is that the person in question's way of disagreeing with me is to just start talking over what I'm saying because that makes her point more valid (or something), until I have to shout so she'll just shut up and let me finish my damned sentence.
Yeah... not talking to her about personal shit ever again.
It makes me all the more grateful for the people in my life who, when I can't hold it together anymore, are just there. Not making me pretend to be okay so they can feel better, not dismissing anything I'm going through, just supportive and present.
Whenever anyone - even my loved ones - says something like that, I do strike back with, "Nope. Nope. Talk literal. I am neurologically NOT NORMAL. I live with that. You love me no matter what. Please don't patronize me. Don't try to sweet-coat my issues.
People tell me "Don't make it your identity." It's not about identity. It never is. It's about just living with disability, working around and with disability, finding ways to go through life while being - and acknowledging! - being disabled.
It is amazing how het up people will get when you point out the truth and it makes their privilege kick a little bit.
Also amazing how many people are not willing to listen to the opinions of marginalized groups when WE ARE THE ONES WHO OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT OFFENDS US. I swear, folks will climb right over fifty people saying "KNOCK IT OFF" to kiss the ass of the one person saying "But it never bothered ME!" It's like people keep gay/Black/disabled friends in their handbags just for this purpose.
Dude, if you mean "you are a good and valuable person, worthy of respect and attention, and with many fine qualities. Your value is in no way affected by your disability," then SAY THAT. Don't tell me I'm not broken. That doesn't do anyone any damn favors. Show your love for me by respecting me as the EXPERT ON ME. I am the best at being awesome-me, yes, but I am also the expert and chief authority on broken-me. Loving me and not caring if I am flawed is a great gift and I treasure it beyond all measuring, but it is not a good reason to deny something that is very obviously true. When I go to a counselor to get help dealing with people who do not think like I do, in part because getting good grades is VERY VERY easy for me. Do not tell me that I'm being narcisistic when I say that I am smarter (or at least perform better on tests) than the vast majority of my classmates. Not when I'm (easily) getting As and the class average is a low C. Not when I test >90th percentile on nearly every standardized
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Good lord, that was an obnoxious and offensive thing to say to you! The way counselors and other school people go on about self-esteem, you'd think they'd be glad to see someone who has an accurate understanding of how smart they are. Eyeroll.
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What's worse is that the person in question's way of disagreeing with me is to just start talking over what I'm saying because that makes her point more valid (or something), until I have to shout so she'll just shut up and let me finish my damned sentence.
Yeah... not talking to her about personal shit ever again.
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(The comment has been removed)
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Whenever anyone - even my loved ones - says something like that, I do strike back with, "Nope. Nope. Talk literal. I am neurologically NOT NORMAL. I live with that. You love me no matter what. Please don't patronize me. Don't try to sweet-coat my issues.
People tell me "Don't make it your identity." It's not about identity. It never is. It's about just living with disability, working around and with disability, finding ways to go through life while being - and acknowledging! - being disabled.
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Also amazing how many people are not willing to listen to the opinions of marginalized groups when WE ARE THE ONES WHO OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT OFFENDS US. I swear, folks will climb right over fifty people saying "KNOCK IT OFF" to kiss the ass of the one person saying "But it never bothered ME!" It's like people keep gay/Black/disabled friends in their handbags just for this purpose.
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IF I post it anonymously, we can sit back and see if a shitstorm happens...
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This.
Dude, if you mean "you are a good and valuable person, worthy of respect and attention, and with many fine qualities. Your value is in no way affected by your disability," then SAY THAT. Don't tell me I'm not broken. That doesn't do anyone any damn favors. Show your love for me by respecting me as the EXPERT ON ME. I am the best at being awesome-me, yes, but I am also the expert and chief authority on broken-me. Loving me and not caring if I am flawed is a great gift and I treasure it beyond all measuring, but it is not a good reason to deny something that is very obviously true.
When I go to a counselor to get help dealing with people who do not think like I do, in part because getting good grades is VERY VERY easy for me. Do not tell me that I'm being narcisistic when I say that I am smarter (or at least perform better on tests) than the vast majority of my classmates. Not when I'm (easily) getting As and the class average is a low C. Not when I test >90th percentile on nearly every standardized ( ... )
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