The whole "you aren't crazy/disabled/not normal" thing is a mathematical erasure of us as troubled beings who NEED HELP.
IF you mean that I am not a bad person, and therefore cannot be crazy/disabled/not normal because those are negative things, THEN you are flat-out stating that disability=bad.
from there:
IF disability is bad, and I therefore cannot be disabled because I am good, THEN my disability isn't real.
from there:
IF disability equals the presence of bad and good equals the state of not being disabled, THEN there ARE NO DISABLED PEOPLE, ONLY BAD PEOPLE AND GOOD PEOPLE.
and from there it's not far to victim-blaming:
IF disabled people are bad people, they deserve to suffer. IF disabled people are bad people, they probably brought it on themselves. IF they were good people, they would not be disabled, because only BAD people are disabled.
And people who SAY THAT SHIT, don't realize that's what they are saying when they say "You aren't crazy/disabled/fucked up."
Dude, if you mean "you are a good and valuable person, worthy of respect and attention, and with many fine qualities. Your value is in no way affected by your disability," then SAY THAT. Don't tell me I'm not broken. That doesn't do anyone any damn favors. Show your love for me by respecting me as the EXPERT ON ME. I am the best at being awesome-me, yes, but I am also the expert and chief authority on broken-me. Loving me and not caring if I am flawed is a great gift and I treasure it beyond all measuring, but it is not a good reason to deny something that is very obviously true.
I've had problems with people saying this shit to me, too. Even people very, very close to me. And it's only recently I've really been able to articulate why it bothered me. I get that their intent is good, I never EVER doubt that, but it always leaves me with this gross aftertaste like "They really don't understand. They really, really do not. And they don't even understand that they don't understand. My god, I am so alone."
It is amazing how het up people will get when you point out the truth and it makes their privilege kick a little bit.
Also amazing how many people are not willing to listen to the opinions of marginalized groups when WE ARE THE ONES WHO OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT OFFENDS US. I swear, folks will climb right over fifty people saying "KNOCK IT OFF" to kiss the ass of the one person saying "But it never bothered ME!" It's like people keep gay/Black/disabled friends in their handbags just for this purpose.
Dude, if you mean "you are a good and valuable person, worthy of respect and attention, and with many fine qualities. Your value is in no way affected by your disability," then SAY THAT. Don't tell me I'm not broken. That doesn't do anyone any damn favors. Show your love for me by respecting me as the EXPERT ON ME. I am the best at being awesome-me, yes, but I am also the expert and chief authority on broken-me. Loving me and not caring if I am flawed is a great gift and I treasure it beyond all measuring, but it is not a good reason to deny something that is very obviously true.
When I go to a counselor to get help dealing with people who do not think like I do, in part because getting good grades is VERY VERY easy for me. Do not tell me that I'm being narcisistic when I say that I am smarter (or at least perform better on tests) than the vast majority of my classmates. Not when I'm (easily) getting As and the class average is a low C. Not when I test >90th percentile on nearly every standardized test I've ever taken (excluding the MCAT (med school entrance exam) for which I was merely average) Not when my friends look to me to explain things, and the folks who are not my friends think I'm a smart-assed bitch know-it-all.
And when I say I'm depressed because I have nothing in common with my classmates. Please don't tell me that I'm holding myself apart and bringing it on myself. Please?!
I know it's not disability-level mental illness, but it's real, it sucks, and damnit, I hired you (the counselor) with the explicit request that we teach me some social skills. That I get better at reading their intent, and playing their games. I did not hire you to tell me that everything is fine and I'm just a bit depressed and a bit narcissistic. Really. But that was a couple years ago and I graduated out of that fishbowl (thank ghods) and I blundered through pretty well and am getting better at finding folks who make sense to me and who I make sense to.
And, crap. I need to find another counselor. And I've been avoiding it for about 3 months because I hate doing it. But I need to do it.... probably slightly hijacking your post for my own introspection. Rats. I didn't want the answer to be that I needed to find another counselor.
Thank you thank you thank you for talking about this. For putting things out there so openly. For calling things like they are. I'm so sorry you're going through the bad stuff you're dealing with.
Good lord, that was an obnoxious and offensive thing to say to you! The way counselors and other school people go on about self-esteem, you'd think they'd be glad to see someone who has an accurate understanding of how smart they are. Eyeroll.
IF you mean that I am not a bad person, and therefore cannot be crazy/disabled/not normal because those are negative things, THEN you are flat-out stating that disability=bad.
from there:
IF disability is bad, and I therefore cannot be disabled because I am good, THEN my disability isn't real.
from there:
IF disability equals the presence of bad and good equals the state of not being disabled, THEN there ARE NO DISABLED PEOPLE, ONLY BAD PEOPLE AND GOOD PEOPLE.
and from there it's not far to victim-blaming:
IF disabled people are bad people, they deserve to suffer. IF disabled people are bad people, they probably brought it on themselves. IF they were good people, they would not be disabled, because only BAD people are disabled.
And people who SAY THAT SHIT, don't realize that's what they are saying when they say "You aren't crazy/disabled/fucked up."
Dude, if you mean "you are a good and valuable person, worthy of respect and attention, and with many fine qualities. Your value is in no way affected by your disability," then SAY THAT. Don't tell me I'm not broken. That doesn't do anyone any damn favors. Show your love for me by respecting me as the EXPERT ON ME. I am the best at being awesome-me, yes, but I am also the expert and chief authority on broken-me. Loving me and not caring if I am flawed is a great gift and I treasure it beyond all measuring, but it is not a good reason to deny something that is very obviously true.
I've had problems with people saying this shit to me, too. Even people very, very close to me. And it's only recently I've really been able to articulate why it bothered me. I get that their intent is good, I never EVER doubt that, but it always leaves me with this gross aftertaste like "They really don't understand. They really, really do not. And they don't even understand that they don't understand. My god, I am so alone."
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Also amazing how many people are not willing to listen to the opinions of marginalized groups when WE ARE THE ONES WHO OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT OFFENDS US. I swear, folks will climb right over fifty people saying "KNOCK IT OFF" to kiss the ass of the one person saying "But it never bothered ME!" It's like people keep gay/Black/disabled friends in their handbags just for this purpose.
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IF I post it anonymously, we can sit back and see if a shitstorm happens...
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This.
Dude, if you mean "you are a good and valuable person, worthy of respect and attention, and with many fine qualities. Your value is in no way affected by your disability," then SAY THAT. Don't tell me I'm not broken. That doesn't do anyone any damn favors. Show your love for me by respecting me as the EXPERT ON ME. I am the best at being awesome-me, yes, but I am also the expert and chief authority on broken-me. Loving me and not caring if I am flawed is a great gift and I treasure it beyond all measuring, but it is not a good reason to deny something that is very obviously true.
When I go to a counselor to get help dealing with people who do not think like I do, in part because getting good grades is VERY VERY easy for me. Do not tell me that I'm being narcisistic when I say that I am smarter (or at least perform better on tests) than the vast majority of my classmates. Not when I'm (easily) getting As and the class average is a low C. Not when I test >90th percentile on nearly every standardized test I've ever taken (excluding the MCAT (med school entrance exam) for which I was merely average) Not when my friends look to me to explain things, and the folks who are not my friends think I'm a smart-assed bitch know-it-all.
And when I say I'm depressed because I have nothing in common with my classmates. Please don't tell me that I'm holding myself apart and bringing it on myself. Please?!
I know it's not disability-level mental illness, but it's real, it sucks, and damnit, I hired you (the counselor) with the explicit request that we teach me some social skills. That I get better at reading their intent, and playing their games. I did not hire you to tell me that everything is fine and I'm just a bit depressed and a bit narcissistic. Really. But that was a couple years ago and I graduated out of that fishbowl (thank ghods) and I blundered through pretty well and am getting better at finding folks who make sense to me and who I make sense to.
And, crap. I need to find another counselor. And I've been avoiding it for about 3 months because I hate doing it. But I need to do it.... probably slightly hijacking your post for my own introspection. Rats. I didn't want the answer to be that I needed to find another counselor.
Thank you thank you thank you for talking about this. For putting things out there so openly. For calling things like they are. I'm so sorry you're going through the bad stuff you're dealing with.
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