Dysfunctional Families Day.

[naamah_darling]

So, it's Dysfunctional Families Day over at MakingLight

Comments

[metamorph29]

Reading this I am left with a "What should I/they have said?" So many dysfunctional families and no one to do anything about preventing it from spreading to the next generations. I tried to not be my mother, but both of us were from dysfunctional families and yes, we did spread the dysfunction to our daughter. Now she has to find her way out. Her solution is to not have children. That was my plan also, but fate decided otherwise. :/ My youngest brother is in denial and my other brother died alone and away from family. Maybe pregnancy should come with parenting lessons for Mom and Dad at the same time as the doctor visits. It is hard to rewire ones core molding. Reading books helps, but watching real life healthy interactions would be even better.

[naamah_darling]

I think that's a huge part of why I am not having kids, because I am aware that overriding that training is incredibly hard. I'm 35, and I'm only JUST learning how to do it. O_O It's a horrible shame that there's nothing in place to help parents to NOT repeat those patterns. There is some information out there if you look for it, but it took me until late 20s early 30s to realize I was fucked up, communication-wise. How can you look for solutions when you don't realize there is a problem

[metamorph29]

I sometimes wonder if the powers that be really want crime, poverty, and dysfunction to be "cured". Who from a mentally healthy place would ever want to abuse themselves with drugs or go to war?

[ext_1411242]

Judging by the way the system is set up, I would say that they're quite satisfied with a stupid, emotionally inept, easy to manipulate public.

[elialshadowpine]

TBH it is part of why I am childfree also. When I read parents joking around about how their children destroyed things, and how bratty their kids are, and my reaction is just rage... or sometimes even for normal things... no kid needs or deserves that. And I really worry that I would carry on some of the abusive patterns in my family that have existed for generations.

I definitely agree re: interpersonal training. One of the best classes I took in college at age 16 was a communications course on interpersonal relationships. Although, I have had the nasty experiences of people using those skills to abuse and manipulate, and I pretty much lost patience with bending over backwards to use "I" statements with my first partner. (It may not be the best approach, but I have no patience for sugar coating how the other person did something hurtful. You did this thing, it fucking hurt, take responsibility, deal with it. And it's not like I really want anything more than recognization of doing this hurtful thing and an apology.)

[cissa]

I tried the "I" statements for a while with my husband when he was being a dickhead. He would then "helpfully" explain to me how I ought not to be feeling that way, but some other way, because all he did was perfect and appropriate. *rage* So I went back to "you" statements, which made him really mad, but at least he wasn't "helpfully" explaining how wrong I was; he was at least defensive and mad, too

[voyeurprincess]

I find myself looking for and paying attention to examples of "how to talk to children about stuff", in anticipation of raising my own in a few years. I agree with the stuff posted here about what NOT to say/do, but I agree with you that finding out what works better is hard to do without functional models.

I have found useful language at http://blog.pigtailpals.com/ and http://offbeatmama.com and a friend's blog, http://soggyinmilk.blogspot.com/. Krissy talks about feelings with her kids (especially her older one) more in a couple of weeks than I did with my parents over my whole childhood, I think.