L'esprit de l'escalier, FUCKERS.
You all seem consistently surprised by the quality of my swearing.
I assure you, it's not as easy as it looks.
Now, I want to tell you all that you'll be seeing a lot of cussing from me in the next few weeks. I figure that the sort of person bothered by swearing isn't the sort of person who would be reading me anyway, so I'm probably safe from sanctimonious, fist-humping morons whose delicate sensibilities, like the tender rectal membrane, are so easily torn by a careless "FUCK."
Why am I going to be swearing more? Good question. Because I'm trying to get back in the jolly fuck-you spirit. I realized last night, after swearing a lot, that it felt damn good to be doing it again. I haven't been swearing all that much, and I think it's high time I remedied that. Plus, I'm shortly going to be dealing with a character who swears like a drill sergeant, so I figure this is good practice. But trying to do this in person . . . wow, it's hard! It just highlights the difference between print and reality.
You're all aware by now that when I write, swearing is second nature. I'm inventive and obscene. But, friends and neighbors, that's because I have time. The ten seconds it takes me to type a sentence are the only ten seconds I need to come up with some off-the-cuff profanity, like "smarmy, sphincter-winking little man-bitch" or "maggot-cocked, cuntsucking biter of dangling dog tits."
But in real life, it's just not as easy to whip off a "Why don't you stagger off and fuck a syphilitic bum, you pustulent rectal fistula?" on the spur of the moment. There just isn't time to think of it. Oh, those of you who have met me in person will probably insist that I do okay, but the spirit is most definitely not always present. Sometimes I get tongue-tied, and all I can do is mutter a surly and ineffective "Fuck you, you . . . you . . . you fucker!" and go on about my vaguely dissatisfied business. I am left with l'esprit de l'escalier, and two hours later I catch myself screaming "Fuck a flaming shit-smeared fencepost, you gaping perineal tear!" at some unsuspecting jerkoff pusnuts in the parking lot of the grocery store because I am still angry about whatever happened earlier, and by god, the words have finally come.
But to call it up at will, now that is a trick. That sort of familiarity with cursing doesn't come easily. I'm fairly fluent, but I still only manage a real zinger about half the time. I've been honing this art for years on my cats and the neighbors' dogs, but it's intermittent practice at best. So I figure that I'd better get my hypertrophied retard ass in gear and start really working at it. This means a lot of gratiutous overflow swearing will no doubt start creeping into my everyday language. Into my writing, even, if last night's late and terribly angry post is to be any example. Consider yourself warned, you pickle-dick pusbags.
When I was learning Spanish, I'd sometimes just use Spanish words for things without thinking. I'm sure this will be the same. Swearing will creep in. "These dishes are annoying me!" will become "This festering pile of smegma-smeared crap is sitting on my last goddamn nerve, and I swear to Mary's red-rimmed asshole I'd fuck a dead goat if the goat would just lever its leaking ass over here and lend me a fucking hand."
Ah, Christ, a good tirade . . . it brings a tear to the eye.
All this just in time for Christmas and its constellation of polite social gatherings, too. Life of the fucking party, that's me.
And just because it tickled my funny bone, here, have a surprisingly relevant swearing quiz. I'm amused by the fact that the swearing in the results isn't nearly up to my standards.
Genius Fucker
You scored 24 relevance and 26 creativity!
You are a connoiseur of bad language. Congratulations, Fuckball! Not only do you swear when appropriate (and inappropriate), you are colorful with your cocksucking concoctions. Bravo! Now go out there and continue to make the world your bitch by peppering those stuckup motherfuckers with words and phrases that make the hair on their asses curl up. And if they don't like it...well, fuck'em.
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 99% on relevance
You scored higher than 99% on creativity
Link: The Swear Word Usage Test written by nastyhabits on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
I assure you, it's not as easy as it looks.
Now, I want to tell you all that you'll be seeing a lot of cussing from me in the next few weeks. I figure that the sort of person bothered by swearing isn't the sort of person who would be reading me anyway, so I'm probably safe from sanctimonious, fist-humping morons whose delicate sensibilities, like the tender rectal membrane, are so easily torn by a careless "FUCK."
Why am I going to be swearing more? Good question. Because I'm trying to get back in the jolly fuck-you spirit. I realized last night, after swearing a lot, that it felt damn good to be doing it again. I haven't been swearing all that much, and I think it's high time I remedied that. Plus, I'm shortly going to be dealing with a character who swears like a drill sergeant, so I figure this is good practice. But trying to do this in person . . . wow, it's hard! It just highlights the difference between print and reality.
You're all aware by now that when I write, swearing is second nature. I'm inventive and obscene. But, friends and neighbors, that's because I have time. The ten seconds it takes me to type a sentence are the only ten seconds I need to come up with some off-the-cuff profanity, like "smarmy, sphincter-winking little man-bitch" or "maggot-cocked, cuntsucking biter of dangling dog tits."
But in real life, it's just not as easy to whip off a "Why don't you stagger off and fuck a syphilitic bum, you pustulent rectal fistula?" on the spur of the moment. There just isn't time to think of it. Oh, those of you who have met me in person will probably insist that I do okay, but the spirit is most definitely not always present. Sometimes I get tongue-tied, and all I can do is mutter a surly and ineffective "Fuck you, you . . . you . . . you fucker!" and go on about my vaguely dissatisfied business. I am left with l'esprit de l'escalier, and two hours later I catch myself screaming "Fuck a flaming shit-smeared fencepost, you gaping perineal tear!" at some unsuspecting jerkoff pusnuts in the parking lot of the grocery store because I am still angry about whatever happened earlier, and by god, the words have finally come.
But to call it up at will, now that is a trick. That sort of familiarity with cursing doesn't come easily. I'm fairly fluent, but I still only manage a real zinger about half the time. I've been honing this art for years on my cats and the neighbors' dogs, but it's intermittent practice at best. So I figure that I'd better get my hypertrophied retard ass in gear and start really working at it. This means a lot of gratiutous overflow swearing will no doubt start creeping into my everyday language. Into my writing, even, if last night's late and terribly angry post is to be any example. Consider yourself warned, you pickle-dick pusbags.
When I was learning Spanish, I'd sometimes just use Spanish words for things without thinking. I'm sure this will be the same. Swearing will creep in. "These dishes are annoying me!" will become "This festering pile of smegma-smeared crap is sitting on my last goddamn nerve, and I swear to Mary's red-rimmed asshole I'd fuck a dead goat if the goat would just lever its leaking ass over here and lend me a fucking hand."
Ah, Christ, a good tirade . . . it brings a tear to the eye.
All this just in time for Christmas and its constellation of polite social gatherings, too. Life of the fucking party, that's me.
And just because it tickled my funny bone, here, have a surprisingly relevant swearing quiz. I'm amused by the fact that the swearing in the results isn't nearly up to my standards.
Genius Fucker
You scored 24 relevance and 26 creativity!
You are a connoiseur of bad language. Congratulations, Fuckball! Not only do you swear when appropriate (and inappropriate), you are colorful with your cocksucking concoctions. Bravo! Now go out there and continue to make the world your bitch by peppering those stuckup motherfuckers with words and phrases that make the hair on their asses curl up. And if they don't like it...well, fuck'em.
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 99% on relevance
You scored higher than 99% on creativity
Link: The Swear Word Usage Test written by nastyhabits on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test