Warning: SWEARING.
Gosh! The new update page is Livejournal for tooth-sucking halfwits! I wouldn't complain, since everyone else is doing it for me, but I have something to contribute above and beyond the by-now-cliché "I don't like it." I have had a bad day, and as a result, there's a lot of profanity built up.
Livejournal has unveiled a parade of freak-show "fixes" this year. First the inescapable nav strips like perpetual nuts in the face, and the sponsored "ne plus ultra" journal category that straddles the paid/free line like an itchy lapsed-Catholic slut considering going pro, then the passive-aggressive auto-switching to the new and sucktastic Horizon default view with a journal interface that spat up cookies like a bulimic on prom night, then the first new annoying but workable update page which was as awkward as being caught three fingers into your own sister after one beer too many, then the popup hover menus which mysteriously appeared overnight like plague sores, then LJ Talk which I will never fucking use because the last thing I need is more ways for people to fucking demand my time by wanting to talk about cats and maxi pads, then the "tips" bullshit on the update end page which was so self-consciously cute and utterly un-called-for it was like watching a kitten/Shirley Temple hybrid lick its own underdeveloped anus, then the Alzheimers'-raddled userpic "browse" option that displays all of my icons in no known order, and now this maggot-choked pile of festering dog vomit.
Livejournal? I have loved you in the past until you leak from all your fugly holes, but you are very close to feeling the wrath of my pimp stick, if you know what I mean. I am sick of you trying to make things "better" by fucking them up. Want to make things better? Shut up and go fix a fucking sandwich, watch some Batman cartoons, and quit your infernal meddling. You're worse than a 3rd-grade school counselor trying to play cool with the little nosepickers by pretending to know what Poke-man is.
It wouldn't be so bad, Livejournal, if you didn't just inflict all of these things on us, sometimes without warning or telling us how to opt out of it. Or, hey, even building in an opt-out at all. I can't turn off annoying bug-eyed anime icons, colorbars, whiny song lyrics, pointless fucking quizzes, or those godforsaken and detestable fucking baby ticker things. The least you could do is let me turn off the annoying shit you do to me. Please, Livejournal, preserve your own dignity and do not piss on yourself any more. The denizens of Livejournal piss on your dignity quite enough already. Do you have to open your mouth to gargle it?
All this add-on shit is not more convenient or personal or intuitive. It's just fucking stupid-looking, okay? Especially on a widescreen monitor. So knock it off, already.
I know I'm coming across as an ungrateful, vindictive cunt who is basically complaining about nothing at all. I realize I'm lucky to be able to sit on my lard-plastered ass in a country with hot and cold running water and cable porn and complain about the user interface to a completely imaginary place. I realize that there are more important things I could be worrying about, like posting pictures of cats or, Christ save us all, fucking perfume reviews. I also know that I have been, overall, satisfied with your performance. Your holes are adequately deep, sufficiently warm, and pleasingly moist. And yet, I can't decide if you're A) dead or dying or B) just a big whore. These constant corrections could be interpreted as the agonal death throes of a freshly-thumped rat. Then again, your shameless retooling of what was fine to begin with smacks of a jaded whore's automatic but unnecessary ball-tongueing. Which is it, Livejournal? Snake food or snatch for hire? Perhaps C) both.
How about, instead of trying to "attract new users" you just concentrate on not pissing off your nine billion other Johns? Excuse me. Users. I'm not a professional business dong or anything, but I think that might be slightly more productive in the long run. If I had a paid account, and not a permanent one, I'd be letting it lapse about now just to drive my point home into your slopeheaded, Mongoloid skull. The kind of finger-sniffing trephination fans you'll attract by gutting yourself and inviting all and sundry to ass-rape the carcass of what was once a functional site are not the kinds of people I want to associate with. If I wanted subliterate ramblings rendered in a diarrhea of retarded blinky fonts, I'd go suck the smegma-rimmed sphincter of Myspace. And don't you fucking "Vox" me, you mother-pimping panderers to the lowest common denominator. That shit is even more insultingly dumbed-down and oversimplified than this remedial whoremongery, and is furthermore about as tacky and boring as a dead rat in a shiny Lucite brick.
In short, Livejournal, I love you because your rotting corpse is still host to a legion of my friends, but I now find your services about as desirable as a dry fuck.
And you, you other denizens of the Land of Eljay. Go and make your feelings known.
Livejournal has unveiled a parade of freak-show "fixes" this year. First the inescapable nav strips like perpetual nuts in the face, and the sponsored "ne plus ultra" journal category that straddles the paid/free line like an itchy lapsed-Catholic slut considering going pro, then the passive-aggressive auto-switching to the new and sucktastic Horizon default view with a journal interface that spat up cookies like a bulimic on prom night, then the first new annoying but workable update page which was as awkward as being caught three fingers into your own sister after one beer too many, then the popup hover menus which mysteriously appeared overnight like plague sores, then LJ Talk which I will never fucking use because the last thing I need is more ways for people to fucking demand my time by wanting to talk about cats and maxi pads, then the "tips" bullshit on the update end page which was so self-consciously cute and utterly un-called-for it was like watching a kitten/Shirley Temple hybrid lick its own underdeveloped anus, then the Alzheimers'-raddled userpic "browse" option that displays all of my icons in no known order, and now this maggot-choked pile of festering dog vomit.
Livejournal? I have loved you in the past until you leak from all your fugly holes, but you are very close to feeling the wrath of my pimp stick, if you know what I mean. I am sick of you trying to make things "better" by fucking them up. Want to make things better? Shut up and go fix a fucking sandwich, watch some Batman cartoons, and quit your infernal meddling. You're worse than a 3rd-grade school counselor trying to play cool with the little nosepickers by pretending to know what Poke-man is.
It wouldn't be so bad, Livejournal, if you didn't just inflict all of these things on us, sometimes without warning or telling us how to opt out of it. Or, hey, even building in an opt-out at all. I can't turn off annoying bug-eyed anime icons, colorbars, whiny song lyrics, pointless fucking quizzes, or those godforsaken and detestable fucking baby ticker things. The least you could do is let me turn off the annoying shit you do to me. Please, Livejournal, preserve your own dignity and do not piss on yourself any more. The denizens of Livejournal piss on your dignity quite enough already. Do you have to open your mouth to gargle it?
All this add-on shit is not more convenient or personal or intuitive. It's just fucking stupid-looking, okay? Especially on a widescreen monitor. So knock it off, already.
I know I'm coming across as an ungrateful, vindictive cunt who is basically complaining about nothing at all. I realize I'm lucky to be able to sit on my lard-plastered ass in a country with hot and cold running water and cable porn and complain about the user interface to a completely imaginary place. I realize that there are more important things I could be worrying about, like posting pictures of cats or, Christ save us all, fucking perfume reviews. I also know that I have been, overall, satisfied with your performance. Your holes are adequately deep, sufficiently warm, and pleasingly moist. And yet, I can't decide if you're A) dead or dying or B) just a big whore. These constant corrections could be interpreted as the agonal death throes of a freshly-thumped rat. Then again, your shameless retooling of what was fine to begin with smacks of a jaded whore's automatic but unnecessary ball-tongueing. Which is it, Livejournal? Snake food or snatch for hire? Perhaps C) both.
How about, instead of trying to "attract new users" you just concentrate on not pissing off your nine billion other Johns? Excuse me. Users. I'm not a professional business dong or anything, but I think that might be slightly more productive in the long run. If I had a paid account, and not a permanent one, I'd be letting it lapse about now just to drive my point home into your slopeheaded, Mongoloid skull. The kind of finger-sniffing trephination fans you'll attract by gutting yourself and inviting all and sundry to ass-rape the carcass of what was once a functional site are not the kinds of people I want to associate with. If I wanted subliterate ramblings rendered in a diarrhea of retarded blinky fonts, I'd go suck the smegma-rimmed sphincter of Myspace. And don't you fucking "Vox" me, you mother-pimping panderers to the lowest common denominator. That shit is even more insultingly dumbed-down and oversimplified than this remedial whoremongery, and is furthermore about as tacky and boring as a dead rat in a shiny Lucite brick.
In short, Livejournal, I love you because your rotting corpse is still host to a legion of my friends, but I now find your services about as desirable as a dry fuck.
And you, you other denizens of the Land of Eljay. Go and make your feelings known.