Fruit Punch Moments.
I can't work. Not this week. Two things I'm in the middle of are roadblocked, and I'm just . . . tired. Not physically, I'm actually restless and bored, just . . . emotionally, creatively. Yeah, there's this wellspring and yadda yadda yadda, and someday it'll all come gushing back, and there will be wine and roses and kittens romping in the
( Read more... )
FWIW I would use present tense. At least some of your mother is still around in the memories carried by you, your siblings, her friends... or it seems that way to me. Yes, it's transient - you'll forget, they'll forget - but so is everything. Nothing is permanent. It's a tornado-strength vortex of suck.
I'm really tired, and I need to sleep, but it seems like a lot of work to go get in bed just so I can be reminded over and over again that things have changed for the suckier, just so I can feel my loss.
Take your time. Move on when you are ready. Say goodbye when you are ready... maybe that's why you're dreaming about her?
I don't know. I was going to try to be wise and comforting, but I'm talking out of my ass here; I don't know you well, and I've not lost a parent before (though I have lost grandparents and a sibling), so there's little I can offer. I could tell you that this grief will pass and change, or that you'll get used to it; I could tell you that you're a strong person. You know all that already. I could talk about my own experiences with dreams, and that when I get less sleep I have more nightmares, but what you're having don't sound like my nightmares and it doesn't make it any easier for you to go to sleep. I could talk about my mother's experience (she lost her mother to cancer when she was 18), but it isn't as if there is a sliding scale of 'better' and 'worse' and somehow knowing that someone, somewhere, could objectively have had one thing worse than yours actually makes you feel any better. I could tell you that I can understand the smell thing - my mum sent me a t-shirt and I bawled for hours, I got so homesick, even though I was never happy at home - but what comfort is that? Even if I somehow knew the right thing to say, my language skills are so poor that it would come out jumbled and garbled and awkward.
All I can say is that I care (which is probably just weird given I'm pretty much a stranger to you, but I do care), and I hope you get some restful sleep soon.
Reply
A lot, actually. I have a lot of dissonance over the fact that she and I never really got on, we weren't close, and I don't even really regret that as much as is probably decent, and yet I still miss her a lot. I don't think I would have or could have done differently, so at least I don't have guilt, but it's very weird missing a time/place that didn't make you happy. Knowing that you had that too is oddly comforting.
Reply
Leave a comment