No! BAD Movie!
Writers' barbecue tonight. I really, really, really wish that you all were here, because I always have a lot of fun when I get a little tipsy. Until I fall asleep in my husband's lap, only to wake up to a conversation about Star Wars slash fiction and naughty tentacles.
Seriously. Does the hypothyroidism affect one's metabolism to the point that one's sensitivity to alcohol skyrockets? I didn't even have half a glass -- or even a quarter glass -- of port, and suddenly I'm all "Ooo, this is sooo cool!" and "Ooo, boys!"
So I'm going to rant, while I'm still a little weird.
Why the fuck can't you people admit that you only like a movie because you want to fuck the people in it?!
Do not look me in the eye and tell me that movies like Troy and King Arthur are fucking Academy Award material, and that is why you like them. Bullshit. They are dressed up soap opera crap, with no structural integrity, historical accuracy, or emotional validity whatsoever. They are just there to be looked at. They're supposed to be pretty.
Admit it. You are looking at the boys, and thinking about how great they would look over your left shoulder. Or you are thinking about slashing them with one another. Paris/Achilles/Patroclus and Art/Gwen/Lance. Get a time machine in there, we can have Lance/Achilles slash. You people are only watching it for the eye candy.
It's okay to admit this. It's okay to admit that you love a mediocre movie, or even a shitty one, just because it's got someone in it that you would do in a heartbeat, even if it meant wearing a humiliating outfit. I'm a little tipsy, so I'm going to admit that I really like Dude, Where's My Car. Because Ashton is cute. No. I don't care how dumb he is, who he is/is not dating, or that he has one of the world's most unfortunate haircuts. I think he's nice to look at. Don't argue, I don't care who you think is yummier. That is not the issue.
And, guys, you are usually way cooler about this than chicks. You can admit that you only watch movies for the tits. And there's movies to gratify you. Low-budget movies where chicks with fake hooters the size of basketballs run around shooting vampire dinosaurs with homemade flamethrowers, singlehandedly saving civilization without even a shirt on their backs. There used to be more of these crappy movies back before tits became the new Big Evil, but now they're a dying breed, which is sad.
Thank God for movies like the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies, which provide both persuasions with something to look at. (That said, I want to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith.)
We need to just admit it. That we only watched Titanic because of Billy Zane or Leonardo. And we need to quit giving our men shit for only going with us to look at Kate Winslet's epic tits. We need to admit that the only thing that would drag us into the theater for another goddamn battle epic was Orlando Bloom plus twenty pounds of meat. That we actually watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen because old Sean Connery still has it, and damn if Dorian Gray didn't look biteable. Grrowl. That Brotherhood of the Wolf may have been painfully excessive, but redeems itself in Emelie Duquenne's stunning strawberry scrumptiousness, and Monica Belluci's utterly perfect nakiddity. That Hugh Jackman totally sold the first X-Men movie during the cage scene, with his grimy shoulders. It's okay.
I say that again. It's okay.
It's okay to like bad or mediocre movies and bad or mediocre actors based on shallow lust (I am not saying I believe every movie listed above is bad, so if you nitpick me, expect to be smacked).
Just 'fess up. Admit to liking a shitty movie just because of the hotness in it. Tell me what movie you love, that you know is crappy. I won't make fun of you -- and don't anyone else make fun of anyone else or I will bitchslap you and the person next to you.
Just tell me your guilty pleasure.
Go on.
Some of mine? The first (only) two seasons of Dark Angel on DVD. Michael Weatherly and Jessica Alba. The new Phantom of the Opera movie. Cruel Intentions, which is one of my most-watched movies ever, topped only by Knight's Tale. That's my shameful short list.
Now you know.
Seriously. Does the hypothyroidism affect one's metabolism to the point that one's sensitivity to alcohol skyrockets? I didn't even have half a glass -- or even a quarter glass -- of port, and suddenly I'm all "Ooo, this is sooo cool!" and "Ooo, boys!"
So I'm going to rant, while I'm still a little weird.
Why the fuck can't you people admit that you only like a movie because you want to fuck the people in it?!
Do not look me in the eye and tell me that movies like Troy and King Arthur are fucking Academy Award material, and that is why you like them. Bullshit. They are dressed up soap opera crap, with no structural integrity, historical accuracy, or emotional validity whatsoever. They are just there to be looked at. They're supposed to be pretty.
Admit it. You are looking at the boys, and thinking about how great they would look over your left shoulder. Or you are thinking about slashing them with one another. Paris/Achilles/Patroclus and Art/Gwen/Lance. Get a time machine in there, we can have Lance/Achilles slash. You people are only watching it for the eye candy.
It's okay to admit this. It's okay to admit that you love a mediocre movie, or even a shitty one, just because it's got someone in it that you would do in a heartbeat, even if it meant wearing a humiliating outfit. I'm a little tipsy, so I'm going to admit that I really like Dude, Where's My Car. Because Ashton is cute. No. I don't care how dumb he is, who he is/is not dating, or that he has one of the world's most unfortunate haircuts. I think he's nice to look at. Don't argue, I don't care who you think is yummier. That is not the issue.
And, guys, you are usually way cooler about this than chicks. You can admit that you only watch movies for the tits. And there's movies to gratify you. Low-budget movies where chicks with fake hooters the size of basketballs run around shooting vampire dinosaurs with homemade flamethrowers, singlehandedly saving civilization without even a shirt on their backs. There used to be more of these crappy movies back before tits became the new Big Evil, but now they're a dying breed, which is sad.
Thank God for movies like the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies, which provide both persuasions with something to look at. (That said, I want to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith.)
We need to just admit it. That we only watched Titanic because of Billy Zane or Leonardo. And we need to quit giving our men shit for only going with us to look at Kate Winslet's epic tits. We need to admit that the only thing that would drag us into the theater for another goddamn battle epic was Orlando Bloom plus twenty pounds of meat. That we actually watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen because old Sean Connery still has it, and damn if Dorian Gray didn't look biteable. Grrowl. That Brotherhood of the Wolf may have been painfully excessive, but redeems itself in Emelie Duquenne's stunning strawberry scrumptiousness, and Monica Belluci's utterly perfect nakiddity. That Hugh Jackman totally sold the first X-Men movie during the cage scene, with his grimy shoulders. It's okay.
I say that again. It's okay.
It's okay to like bad or mediocre movies and bad or mediocre actors based on shallow lust (I am not saying I believe every movie listed above is bad, so if you nitpick me, expect to be smacked).
Just 'fess up. Admit to liking a shitty movie just because of the hotness in it. Tell me what movie you love, that you know is crappy. I won't make fun of you -- and don't anyone else make fun of anyone else or I will bitchslap you and the person next to you.
Just tell me your guilty pleasure.
Go on.
Some of mine? The first (only) two seasons of Dark Angel on DVD. Michael Weatherly and Jessica Alba. The new Phantom of the Opera movie. Cruel Intentions, which is one of my most-watched movies ever, topped only by Knight's Tale. That's my shameful short list.
Now you know.