Метроводители зажигают 2
Не могу перестать смеяться :-)) Спасибо, shortdrink !
Снова на сцене - водители лондонского метро, но на этот раз - в компании станционных объявлял:
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"This train will not be stopping at Mansion House as no one ever gets on or off there. If you did want Mansion House it's tough cos I'm not stopping."
"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
"Could the guy who has decided to defecate at the end of Platform Two, now please be aware that all the rest of the passengers waiting for their trains know you are there and you will have to walk past them to leave the station. There is no other means of escape. " He then went on, a couple of minutes later to tell us all when the chap in question was leaving and where to look. "
Approaching Bank,'Well ladies and gentlemen. I can see a light in front of me which I think is probably Bank station, so that's good isn't it? But I personally was hoping for Calais. Perhaps next time, eh?".
Northern line: "Ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, then I think we will carry right on through the channel tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris".
Waterloo and City Line: "Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City line, sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make out way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this train will terminate, we would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lapdancers for your entertainment - have a good weekend."
"This is information for passengers waiting on platform 2. There is no information. I'm hoping to have some soon and as soon as I do, I'll let you have it.".
"Also, way back in the early 90s when the DLR first opened to Bank the Captain could be heard of the tannoy saying. "We are now approaching the new tunnel, so after three...1, 2, 3 wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
On the way down the Northern Line, the train stopped in a tunnel. After a few minutes, the driver's voice came: "sorry for the delay, but there has been an incident at King's Cross. Someone has attacked the driver (*big sigh*) 9.15am on a Monday morning and there's been an incident already. The police have been called. (*Pause*) It's a good thing I'm not a policeman, because I'd lock them all up for life. (*pause* *lower voice*) either that or shoot them."
On a Northern Line: "Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate".
"To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northen Line - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out!"
"This is Victoria Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift."
"When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you"
"When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can't? Thank you."
"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I`m sorry for the delay, I have just been informed this is due to people on the ROOF of the train ahead.....(long pause.....very quizzical sounding): "Yes, you are probably thinking some of the things I am, but thats what I`ve been told by my control"
"I'm not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who's going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice."
Снова на сцене - водители лондонского метро, но на этот раз - в компании станционных объявлял:
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"This train will not be stopping at Mansion House as no one ever gets on or off there. If you did want Mansion House it's tough cos I'm not stopping."
"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
"Could the guy who has decided to defecate at the end of Platform Two, now please be aware that all the rest of the passengers waiting for their trains know you are there and you will have to walk past them to leave the station. There is no other means of escape. " He then went on, a couple of minutes later to tell us all when the chap in question was leaving and where to look. "
Approaching Bank,'Well ladies and gentlemen. I can see a light in front of me which I think is probably Bank station, so that's good isn't it? But I personally was hoping for Calais. Perhaps next time, eh?".
Northern line: "Ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, then I think we will carry right on through the channel tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris".
Waterloo and City Line: "Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City line, sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make out way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this train will terminate, we would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lapdancers for your entertainment - have a good weekend."
"This is information for passengers waiting on platform 2. There is no information. I'm hoping to have some soon and as soon as I do, I'll let you have it.".
"Also, way back in the early 90s when the DLR first opened to Bank the Captain could be heard of the tannoy saying. "We are now approaching the new tunnel, so after three...1, 2, 3 wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
On the way down the Northern Line, the train stopped in a tunnel. After a few minutes, the driver's voice came: "sorry for the delay, but there has been an incident at King's Cross. Someone has attacked the driver (*big sigh*) 9.15am on a Monday morning and there's been an incident already. The police have been called. (*Pause*) It's a good thing I'm not a policeman, because I'd lock them all up for life. (*pause* *lower voice*) either that or shoot them."
On a Northern Line: "Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate".
"To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northen Line - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out!"
"This is Victoria Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift."
"When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you"
"When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can't? Thank you."
"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I`m sorry for the delay, I have just been informed this is due to people on the ROOF of the train ahead.....(long pause.....very quizzical sounding): "Yes, you are probably thinking some of the things I am, but thats what I`ve been told by my control"
"I'm not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who's going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice."