the rantings of a madwoman
I know it's only a week before I get to get on a plane and leave this God-forsaken city, but I'm going insane. I've been feeling so depressed ever since Scott left last night. First of all, my neighbors were screaming and partying and kept me up until one. Then I go to work, and the stupid new supervisor bitch decides to take away my half days on Friday. She's all like, "There's no one here on Friday afternoons." I'm like, "No one calls on Friday afternoon." I used to work until 6 on Fridays and I recently switched one of my days and stayed again, and I got maybe 2 calls after noon. That's why we started doing it in the first place! I argued w/her and told her it was stupid. I don't even care anymore if I get fired. Why not? They're firing everyone else. She got promoted b/c she used to stay really late every night (and they don't pay overtime) instead of spending time w/her husband who is dying of cancer and her 2 daughters. Now she gets to make arbitrary rules, but will they comfort her when her husband's dead? And my other co-worker who kissed the old boss's ass is now suddenly kissing her ass. I transferred a call to him earlier today, and he went out of his way to get up and walk to my desk to make sure I knew that it was something easy that I could've taken care of. Like how dare I make him waste 2 minutes of his day? I'm sure in all the time I've worked there I've transferred simple calls to other people, but I never heard them complaining to me. People have transferred simple calls to me and I didn't yell at them. People have taken messages for me on Friday after I left that I didn't answer until halfway through the day on Monday b/c of all the e-mails I have by the time I get back from the weekend that when I call they take 2 minutes to solve and any one of my co-workers could have done it. Yet do I get up from my desk and walk to their desk and try to make them feel like an idiot about it? No, b/c I'm not a fucking prick. And now everyone probably thinks I'm such a bitch b/c I argued w/the supervisor about the Friday thing. I'm so petty to be so upset about it. I look forward to my Fridays, dammit. This is a mind-numbing, soul-killing job. It's fucking tech support. You know how people end up in tech support? They give up. They don't want to go to college, they have no passion or dreams. This is not a job for me. I wish so much that I had never taken it. I didn't feel this much like an apathetic, soulless thing when I worked for the government! Maybe I'm overexaggerating, and maybe someday I'll come back to this journal and laugh. But it's not today. I'm seriously thinking about just quitting, giving Delia the $300 transfer fee so she can move to a one-bedroom and moving in w/Scott. Hopefully, I'll get a job at SSA anyway. I just don't want to stay here anymore. It pisses me off so much that the reason I'm not sleeping beside Scott every night is so I can go to this horrible job and b/c of that job I have to live in these crappy, noisy apartments. I can't do this anymore. I hate the real world. I wanted to get out of college so badly, but now I want to go back. I was wondering for a while if I really wanted to be a professor, but now I know I want to spend the rest of my days hiding in the comfort of college. And if I can get paid for hiding, even better! But I would do anything other than this job. I would go work at Starbucks. At least I would have more to do during the day. I stayed busy at SSA. I looked forward going to work. When I first got there, no one thought I would last. Three and a half years later, they were all sad to see me go. I earned a respect there I've never gotten anywhere else. I felt more productive there than I have at any other job. (Which is ironic since it's the government, huh?) But I just feel like I'm wasting my time here. And I'm not even making any money to show for it. Maybe we should just postpone the wedding until I can actually pay for it. It's bad enough that Scott is marrying my debt. Maybe we should just wait until I can save my money. Then I can quit this job and stop worrying about all the money I'm not saving now. I can't even really afford to go to Europe. I'm probably going to be asking my mom for money just so I can enjoy myself. I'm glad I'm actually looking forward more to seeing the museums than going shopping. And I don't even want to be rich. I just want to not worry all the time. I worked my ass off in college so I wouldn't have to worry all the time. And where did it get me? At a job that makes me feel like I'm back in high school and pays less than what the high school kids are probably making. I hope I'm getting ahead of myself. I hope SSA calls me in the next couple of days and I can leave all this behind. But I guess since I said it, now it won't happen.