(no subject)
my heart's killing me.
as in, its simply hurts.
physically, not emotionally.
i'm emotionless.
i'm moving out.
i decided.
that would change everything.
i want everything changed.
i'm crying.
crying, not because im powerless.
crying, because its time.
i'll start looking for someone to move out with asap.
i have 3 grand saved. its enough for the start.
for university, i'll get it. i'll try to get my schoolarships, and will get a student loan.
i'm sick of everything staying the same.
meh, i hate to admit it, but i dont really have a choice... when Renee left, my life went to the shitter basically. I hate her now, yes. I dont want to hear about her, know anything about her, every time i hear her name i start crying. I hate myself the most. I hate myself for being so weak, for always trying to run away from problems. Or to make those problems, run away themselves. I'm weak. But I dont lack confidence, I'm filled with it. When I shouldn't be. I make crazy moves, crazy decisions, I hurt myself by making them, and hurt others. But I always have confidence.
I'm not crying anymore, but my face is still wet from tears. Why is life so hard? Perhaps, it's good that its hard. I wanted it to be hard. But i just didnt want to deal with the harshness of the real life alone. I hate how much my life changed with Renee moving out. I hate how much I gave to her, not as much physically\matterialistically, as emotionally. I hate it. I hate it. Its been 3 months, THREE MONTHS, since I broke up with her... and she never ever gotten out of my head. I had many dates. Even now, i am, kinda, in love, with my Secret, who's prolly reading this and wouldnt want to talk to me again cause of the way i feel about Renee. I miss the past. I miss being so close with someone. I miss not having a single secret. I miss love. Real love. Not the "lust" to fuck cuz you find each other hot. But love. Love that made me try to kill myself. Love that's making me cry every day, when random things remind me of the memories. Memories of the perfect past. That i miss so much. I had a talk with dev for an hour. He dont really understand how i feel, but he is a boy right... but not even girls dont understand the way i feel. Only Renee understood everything. During the day, most of the time, i do think of else. I think of my hun alot, it helps. But in dreams, when i sleep, Renee comes. And in the morning, i wake up, and realize its just a dream and cry. Cry because i wanna go back to sleep. Or to the past. When noone tried to break anything. When noone cared. When from time to time, we had a lil fights. When she wasnt the bitch, and i wasnt the jerk.
I hate that to her, i was just another boy. And to me, she was all i was looking for, more than i wanted. More than i couldve though is possible. Maybe i was the first one to fuck her(people tell me now that Ricky was the one to fuck her first, but i'm skeptical about it). Maybe i was the first one to dump her. Actually, to dump her twice. Only the last time, she kinda denied the fact that i broke up with her, but not her with me. She used to date freaks, some with mishaped heads... some who weight 200 more pounds then the standard, now she dates some country freak, whom when i saw for the first time,.. i cried and laughed, asking myself "what the fuck was she thinking?" sharing the pciture with my friends, with em getting the same reaction(actually its a lie, cuz my former good friend said that he was cute, but one opinion doesnt matter when its compared to dozens). I constantly ask myself, why couldnt I be a fake with her? If i was a fake, i couldve easily control everything. Like i did all the way through, till the day i thought i was ready for one more step. Making which, destoroyed everything. Why did i had to start thinking of her, as everything i ever wanted, exactly couple days after she moved out? I'm such a dumbfuck, seriously... I wonder, how can I cry so much? GOD. 2 am. Crying for straight hour. with no stops. oh, im lying again, i didnt cry for 3 mins yes. I started for one reason, ebign sick of my dad and wanting to move out... now im on my knees, having hard time breathing thinking of her. I can't take it. At all. I cant fucking take it. So sick of everything. SO sick.
Now talking to Brian. What the fuck with me talking to 2 straight boys in a row? Boys are stupid. Boys say: "there's a million of nice girls out there... soon u gonna be 18, go out to bars" etc. God... if i just wanted someone to fuck with... if it was that simple. I dont want to fuck. I want to love. I want to share. I want to cry. Not the way I'm crying now, but the way i cried on phone when me and Renee used to talk about future...
vladdy says:
doesnt matter, for us, its like... 200$ each on apartment. And for food, you work at a&w - we get discount. We'll share internet connection, etc. At first, just 2 beds to sleep on. Then comps. Etc. That would be exciting. That would be hard. I want hard life. Not emotionally, but physically. I want to have no time to think of Renee and the past. I want to come home late, and fall to sleep.
vladdy says:
In the morning go to school, then to work, and come home back. And this way for several years, till i meet someone perfect or finish school
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
EXACTLY
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
EXACTLY How i want mine to be
vladdy says:
<3 Lets do it. Slowly working our way to it. Looking in newspapers for ads, etc.
I dont want to be depennt on anyone. But on my own self, and someone else, who is aswell is dependent on me. You for example.
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
itd be hard but ithink we can do it
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
2 people is easier on rent and everything
vladdy says:
yep
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
and if we do like you say work come home sleep school work etc there sno time to think about people
vladdy says:
yep. from time to time, goin out, fucking girls, but no time for relationships.
vladdy says:
or love
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
Exactly
You know. If you never try, you never know. Life is hard, when you are scared of it being hard. But when you KNOW that its hard, and deal with it, life is easy. To me, its gonna be much easier being busy 24\7, then to be thinking of Renee 24\7. Or trying to think of else.
I'm up for it. So funny, at first, i started with crying, wanting to get away from my dad. Now, i'm moving out to get away from thoughts of Renee. Hun, if you are reading it, it doesnt mean i dont want you or i dont love you. I just trying to find a way, to change my life dramatically, and limit free time as much as possible, cause when i have free time, i use it in stupid ways. Like, crying over the past. + Think about it my love, if I'm gonna be living with a friend, you can always come out, and stay with moi anytime you want, for w.e. ammount of time you want.
I'm excited.
Maybe even a little happy.
Waiting for Brian to save up couple grand, i have 3 grand myself, and we will do it. We have many common interests, concerning whateever really. We are both goin to study law. It's a perfect choice. If I'm gonna be living with Brian, my hun would be visiting me. Me and her wont be seeing each other too often, she has a bf, i'm to busy. Kay, welll, thats kind of dreamy. but im sure about moving out either way. its gonna maybe fuck up my life dramatically, but i want other things than the past to fuck up my current life.
Life is... just, goes down to the shitter after hgihschool. My job, is to make it do that b4 highschool ends. I'm still trying to get on my feet, after leaving renee, and as soon as i get it - ill make my life go down the shitter:) its confusing:)
muah. i love life.
oh, and my parents hate my new jacket, so ima return it. See, thats one of the Reasons i miss the feeling i had with Renee. I wouldnt have bought in the first place, cuz... renee had control over evertyghing aabout me, and i had control over everything about her. As soon as she started rejecting this control, and i was trying to do the same, life got fucked up. Oh well, if everything is fucked up already, why not to do someehting crazy?
Wish me luck. Starting monday, ima be looking in the newspapers, and slowly building the budget for moving out.
as in, its simply hurts.
physically, not emotionally.
i'm emotionless.
i'm moving out.
i decided.
that would change everything.
i want everything changed.
i'm crying.
crying, not because im powerless.
crying, because its time.
i'll start looking for someone to move out with asap.
i have 3 grand saved. its enough for the start.
for university, i'll get it. i'll try to get my schoolarships, and will get a student loan.
i'm sick of everything staying the same.
meh, i hate to admit it, but i dont really have a choice... when Renee left, my life went to the shitter basically. I hate her now, yes. I dont want to hear about her, know anything about her, every time i hear her name i start crying. I hate myself the most. I hate myself for being so weak, for always trying to run away from problems. Or to make those problems, run away themselves. I'm weak. But I dont lack confidence, I'm filled with it. When I shouldn't be. I make crazy moves, crazy decisions, I hurt myself by making them, and hurt others. But I always have confidence.
I'm not crying anymore, but my face is still wet from tears. Why is life so hard? Perhaps, it's good that its hard. I wanted it to be hard. But i just didnt want to deal with the harshness of the real life alone. I hate how much my life changed with Renee moving out. I hate how much I gave to her, not as much physically\matterialistically, as emotionally. I hate it. I hate it. Its been 3 months, THREE MONTHS, since I broke up with her... and she never ever gotten out of my head. I had many dates. Even now, i am, kinda, in love, with my Secret, who's prolly reading this and wouldnt want to talk to me again cause of the way i feel about Renee. I miss the past. I miss being so close with someone. I miss not having a single secret. I miss love. Real love. Not the "lust" to fuck cuz you find each other hot. But love. Love that made me try to kill myself. Love that's making me cry every day, when random things remind me of the memories. Memories of the perfect past. That i miss so much. I had a talk with dev for an hour. He dont really understand how i feel, but he is a boy right... but not even girls dont understand the way i feel. Only Renee understood everything. During the day, most of the time, i do think of else. I think of my hun alot, it helps. But in dreams, when i sleep, Renee comes. And in the morning, i wake up, and realize its just a dream and cry. Cry because i wanna go back to sleep. Or to the past. When noone tried to break anything. When noone cared. When from time to time, we had a lil fights. When she wasnt the bitch, and i wasnt the jerk.
I hate that to her, i was just another boy. And to me, she was all i was looking for, more than i wanted. More than i couldve though is possible. Maybe i was the first one to fuck her(people tell me now that Ricky was the one to fuck her first, but i'm skeptical about it). Maybe i was the first one to dump her. Actually, to dump her twice. Only the last time, she kinda denied the fact that i broke up with her, but not her with me. She used to date freaks, some with mishaped heads... some who weight 200 more pounds then the standard, now she dates some country freak, whom when i saw for the first time,.. i cried and laughed, asking myself "what the fuck was she thinking?" sharing the pciture with my friends, with em getting the same reaction(actually its a lie, cuz my former good friend said that he was cute, but one opinion doesnt matter when its compared to dozens). I constantly ask myself, why couldnt I be a fake with her? If i was a fake, i couldve easily control everything. Like i did all the way through, till the day i thought i was ready for one more step. Making which, destoroyed everything. Why did i had to start thinking of her, as everything i ever wanted, exactly couple days after she moved out? I'm such a dumbfuck, seriously... I wonder, how can I cry so much? GOD. 2 am. Crying for straight hour. with no stops. oh, im lying again, i didnt cry for 3 mins yes. I started for one reason, ebign sick of my dad and wanting to move out... now im on my knees, having hard time breathing thinking of her. I can't take it. At all. I cant fucking take it. So sick of everything. SO sick.
Now talking to Brian. What the fuck with me talking to 2 straight boys in a row? Boys are stupid. Boys say: "there's a million of nice girls out there... soon u gonna be 18, go out to bars" etc. God... if i just wanted someone to fuck with... if it was that simple. I dont want to fuck. I want to love. I want to share. I want to cry. Not the way I'm crying now, but the way i cried on phone when me and Renee used to talk about future...
vladdy says:
doesnt matter, for us, its like... 200$ each on apartment. And for food, you work at a&w - we get discount. We'll share internet connection, etc. At first, just 2 beds to sleep on. Then comps. Etc. That would be exciting. That would be hard. I want hard life. Not emotionally, but physically. I want to have no time to think of Renee and the past. I want to come home late, and fall to sleep.
vladdy says:
In the morning go to school, then to work, and come home back. And this way for several years, till i meet someone perfect or finish school
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
EXACTLY
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
EXACTLY How i want mine to be
vladdy says:
<3 Lets do it. Slowly working our way to it. Looking in newspapers for ads, etc.
I dont want to be depennt on anyone. But on my own self, and someone else, who is aswell is dependent on me. You for example.
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
itd be hard but ithink we can do it
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
2 people is easier on rent and everything
vladdy says:
yep
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
and if we do like you say work come home sleep school work etc there sno time to think about people
vladdy says:
yep. from time to time, goin out, fucking girls, but no time for relationships.
vladdy says:
or love
Smoke-Just go and die already says:
Exactly
You know. If you never try, you never know. Life is hard, when you are scared of it being hard. But when you KNOW that its hard, and deal with it, life is easy. To me, its gonna be much easier being busy 24\7, then to be thinking of Renee 24\7. Or trying to think of else.
I'm up for it. So funny, at first, i started with crying, wanting to get away from my dad. Now, i'm moving out to get away from thoughts of Renee. Hun, if you are reading it, it doesnt mean i dont want you or i dont love you. I just trying to find a way, to change my life dramatically, and limit free time as much as possible, cause when i have free time, i use it in stupid ways. Like, crying over the past. + Think about it my love, if I'm gonna be living with a friend, you can always come out, and stay with moi anytime you want, for w.e. ammount of time you want.
I'm excited.
Maybe even a little happy.
Waiting for Brian to save up couple grand, i have 3 grand myself, and we will do it. We have many common interests, concerning whateever really. We are both goin to study law. It's a perfect choice. If I'm gonna be living with Brian, my hun would be visiting me. Me and her wont be seeing each other too often, she has a bf, i'm to busy. Kay, welll, thats kind of dreamy. but im sure about moving out either way. its gonna maybe fuck up my life dramatically, but i want other things than the past to fuck up my current life.
Life is... just, goes down to the shitter after hgihschool. My job, is to make it do that b4 highschool ends. I'm still trying to get on my feet, after leaving renee, and as soon as i get it - ill make my life go down the shitter:) its confusing:)
muah. i love life.
oh, and my parents hate my new jacket, so ima return it. See, thats one of the Reasons i miss the feeling i had with Renee. I wouldnt have bought in the first place, cuz... renee had control over evertyghing aabout me, and i had control over everything about her. As soon as she started rejecting this control, and i was trying to do the same, life got fucked up. Oh well, if everything is fucked up already, why not to do someehting crazy?
Wish me luck. Starting monday, ima be looking in the newspapers, and slowly building the budget for moving out.