Hawaii 5-0 Fic: Functional Dysfunction
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Steve/Catherine, Steve/Danny
Genre: Character study (Steve-centric), AU, therapeutic writing
Warning: This fic features discussion and description of eating disorders. MAY BE TRIGGERING
How it started is anyone's guess really.
In high school? Team picnics with mothers piling their plates high with home cooked food, pizza eating contests at Friday night get-togethers, followed by defensive line drills Monday afternoon that lasted until someone puked.
The Academy? All day PT sessions during hell week, chow time study sessions that sometimes ended with empty stomachs, stress to meet physical and academic standards.
The truth is it was just an everyday occurence in the service. No CO ordered or even advised anyone under their command to stop eating a few days before weigh-ins. There was no secret Navy handbook to laxatives, duiretics, and diet pills. You just did what you had to do. Everyone knew it.
In military towns even civilian doctors knew it. The walls at gyms on every base he was ever stationed state-side were plastered with fliers from cosmetic surgeons with the words in large print: MILITARY DISCOUNT WITH ID.
And plenty of guys took them up on the offers. Even Nick admitted to spending what was left of his inheritance on liposuction, and that it without a doubt saved his career by allowing him to make weight for admission to BUD/S.
*****
At Coronado was actually the first respite from it. Both instructors and trainees had bigger things to worry about than the tape, and it was pretty much assumed that no one was going to get fat at SEAL training.
*****
Deployment was similar. Standards had to be meet for battle-readiness assessment, of course, but once they actually shipped out there was bigger work to be done. It became a routine. Do what you have to do for the weigh-in, pass, and then not have to worry about it for a year.
Plenty of the guys were what civilians might call obssessed, but civilians had the luxury of being able to get fat if they wanted. There was no room for that kind of softness in the US Navy though. It made you weak, and weakness got people killed.
And ultimately something that everyone around you does doesn't seem abnormal.
Of course, if your surroundings change then so can your definition of normal.
*****
Not that it happened immediately. The first year in reserves Steve hardly thought about it at all. He had a lot more on his mind, and years in the Navy had made it something that just wasn't ever at the front of his mind.
Then he did a stint in prison for allegedly murdering the governor. The physical assessment at his first training weekend after release revealed that he'd gained quite a bit more weight than he realized. Luckily, though, most of it was muscle so measurements with the tape put him at an acceptable body-fat level, and passed him through the weigh-in.
He laughed while the guys in his squad ribbed him about getting a little too comfortable in civilian life.
The truth was, though, that he had. He'd gotten caught up in the sights and smells of his childhood home. Spent too much time celebrating closing case with his team, dragging his new partner around to all his old haunts to try to get the stubborn New Jersey detective to admit that he did actually like Hawaii. Not to mention that same partner who had terrible eating habits and was determined to share them.
*****
It was easier to reverse things the second year because after the events surrounding the governor's murder, and the addition of a new member the team was not as close.
The next assessment was at operations training. Steve easily passed the physical on the scale. He celebrated later with Catherine in her quarters.
After some vigourous 'celebrating' and basking in the afterglow, Steve turned to Catherine and asked what she wanted to do next.
She looked him over with a semi-pensive expression and said they should go get chow next because, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like hell!"
The comment left a cold feeling inside his chest, but luckily he and Catherine were soon wrapped up in a case with 5-0 so he didn't have time to dwell on it.
*****
Back home the situation with Joe escalated to a breaking point. Steve went driving at night a few times to take the edge off...and occasionally stopped at a drive-thru on the way home.
When he decided to take-off for Japan to figure out the Shelburne mystery once and for all, he didn't think much of why he was ended up buying six bags of trail mix and energy gels at the airport newsstand. He had a long trip ahead of him, and who knew if stopping for Bento would be an option where he ended up? It paid to be prepared.
*****
In the blink of an eye he had a mother again, and a not-quite but still practically live-in girlfriend.
He also had some new habits that he was starting to realize were a bit...off. For one thing the so called 'cop diets' that Danny, and even Kono and Chin to an extent, lived on irritated him more than ever before. A Longboard and package of peanuts started becoming all the could think about at the end of a hard case, but at the same time he was more aware than ever how many empty calories they entailed. And, somehow, microwaving a bag of frozen corn after getting home at 1PM became 'dinner.'
Having Catherine around helped some, but was more confusing than anything else because 'dinner' could include anything from leftover sushi from Kamekona's to a bowl of cereal. The fact never seemed to bother her though and if she noticed him giving her strange looks she just said she wasn't big on cooking. He saw her the night before her annual assessment, came home to her munching Kashi from the box. That time he actually asked if she wasn't worried about the weigh-in, but she simply rolled her eyes and put the box up after gobbling down one last mouthful.
He was also starting to spend more time with Danny and Grace which was wonderful...and horrible. He couldn't resist either of them. Wether it was taking Grace to one of Kamekona's shaved ice stands or drinking beers with Danny, it was addicting seeing the two of them so happy. That is until they were gone and he'd have plenty of time to berate himself for his lack of discipline.
*****
When Catherine was transferred to her next location, she and Steve finally had the talk they'd been putting off for years. Neither was surprised by the outcome of it, and Catherine pretended she wasn't disappointed. Steve had never felt like more of a bastard.
They ended up travelling together to her new post in Los Angeles because NCIS asked for his input about a case. With the help of the rest of 5-0 back in Oahu, they wrapped it up pretty quickly.
After saying a final goodbye to Catherine, Steve killed time at the airport bar, and pretended not to notice polishing off two bowls of tortilla chips before his flight was called. In the air the made the flight attendant take away his complimentary bag of Pau Hana Snack Mix.
*****
He coudln't say how things escalated over the next few months because it was mostly an uneventful blur. With a few notiable exceptions of times was sure he was busted.
Danny found a New York Style bakery in Wakiki and brought a dozen doughnuts in to work. It instantly sent Steve's blood rushing. He could barely focus on anything else as Danny sat on the edge of his desk next to the box. When he finally noticed Steve's annoyed glare he rolled his eyes,informed Steve that a box of doughnuts wouldn't give him 'bad food cooties,' and moved it over to the coffee machine. Danny and Chin were out interviewing a witness later that day while Kono and Steve reviewed evidence. When Kono decided to go see if Max had anything new for them he waited until her footsteps were no longer audible before snatching it up.
He was relieved and dissapointed to find there were only two left. He hid the empty box in his office trashcan, sure the team would note its absence but no one did.
****
Spending Friday nights with Danny also became a revived tradition, and Steve started to revel more and more in finding new recipes to prepare. The different smells and colors were exciting. Almost as much as seeing the other man enjoy it. He could tell immediately when Danny really liked something, and practically lived for that moment. To Steve's amusement one of his favorite dishes was grilled pineapple, so he made it for dessert almost every time.
And seeing pineapple juice dribbling down Danny's chin...it was almost a perverse tableu of his two biggest cravings/tormenters.
Feeling his chest constrict he offered Danny another beer, and muttered in his own head "Yeah, have another. Lardass" as he took the first sip of his own.
Feeling momentarily at ease he watched Danny gulping down his beer. It was so easy for the son of a bitch. He scarfed down refined sugar, fried food, and empty calories on a regular basis, but still had an amazing body. Even at a full head shorter than Steve he somehow got away with eating the way he did and still kept his small waist and impossibly narrow hips.
"So are we going to talk about this?" Danny asked.
Steve held his beer bottle tightly to ground himself, "Talk about what?"
"This" he gestured between them, "This thing we have going on."
Steve felt more confident after that, but still..."What thing?"
Danny sighed heavily, "Look, just don't punch me, ok?"
"Why-"
Before he could get the rest of the question out he was in a liplock with his partner. Steve let his beer fall to the floor of the lanai so that he could pull the blond decetive into his lap.
*****
Unsurprisingly, he fell for Danny hard and fast once they got together. If he were honest he had been ever since they got together.
If he were REALLY honest it was the happiest time in his life.
The perfect time for everything to stop.
Except it didn't.
The next physical assessment came up, and now that he was spenging more time with Danny he had to get creative at times. Brushing off malasadas and lattes in the morning wasn't so difficult. Danny was used to that. Avoiding joining in when the team got take-out during cases and went for celebratory dinner and drinks was more challenging. He started brown-bagging lunches. No one noticed what happened to them after he put them in the communal fridge. Not until weeks later when Kono complained about how much space they were taking up, and unceremoniously shoved all the old bags and their uneaten contents into the nearest trashcan.
*****
The weigh-in came and he narrowly avoided having to be assessed by measuring tape. He should have been relieved to have passed, and mad at himself that it was that down to the wire...mostly though he just felt exhausted.
He got back to Honolulu in the middle of the day, so he made his first stop Iolani Palace to check in with the team. They discussed the case until the end of the day.
As Steve and Danny got into his Camaro he grouchily asked how much of a mess to expect at home.
"I actually cleaned up since I kenw you were coming home today," Danny snipped back before going into one of his usual rants.
Steve felt guilty about the comment, and decided he'd make up for it later.
He teased, nipped, and sucked Danny until he screamed. Then preteneded he wasn't disappointed when the other man insisted on reciprocating, and that he didn't feel a twinge of frustration when that lead to another round for both of them.
Finally, however, his parner collapsed next to him in a blissed out coma. He slipped out of bed when Danny started snoring.
He felt keyed up all the way downstairs. By the time he pulled open the freezer and dug out the bag of mini York peppermint patties behind he ice trays, it was almost a numbness.
The anxiety did not disappate until the last patty was gone, only to be instantly replace by complete disgust.
Steve shoved the bag into the trashcan underneath other items, and put on his running shoes. Danny liked to snack on the patties, so he'd notice if they were gone. Plus, it was a good opportunity to exercise some of it off.
He ran the three miles to the nearest grocery store and bought a replacement bag. Back home he opened the bag and dumped a few into the trashcan until it looked to be about at the same level as the old bag.
He then did pushups on the lanai until his abs ached. Back in the kitchen he slowly sipped a glass of water waiting for the cramps to subside.
When the pain went away Steve poured the water down the sink and gripped the glass. He slammed it down on the counter in frustration, before pulling open the trashcan to dig out the peppermint patties he threw away earlier.
The wrappers from those joined the others at the bottom of the can, and Steve snuck back upstairs, brushed his teeth until the taste of chocolate was gone from his mouth, and slipped back into bed.
*****
The next moring he had stomach cramps and the worst indigestion of his life. He tired to hide the fact from Danny, but the other man was too damned astute.
He insisted they stop on the way home from work to get the ingredients to fix his grandmother's 'Jewish penicillin' chicken soup.
It was delicious. The first meal he could remember actually tasting in a long time.
*****
His mom re-appeared as he was ordered to Washington for breifing for a covert op.
He didn't remember stopping at a convenience store, and the decision to stomp the snack cakes into a dirt covered mess was a haze. He rembers all too well frantically cleaning vanilla frosting off his Naval dress shoes and wondering how he became such a disgraceful mess.
*****
The op went well. To his own surprise he remembered how to focus and do the job.
He went home a few days later, skipped his house and went straight to Danny's apartment.
It was late. Danny blinked at him with bleary eyes upon opening the door.
"Hey, you're back," he smiled sleepily, "c'mon in."
Steve kicked the door shut behind him and pulled Danny into a hug.
"I love you."
He felt the confusion in Danny's body before the other man finally answered, "I love you too, you goof."
He pulled back, "You okay?"
Steve shook his head.
"What happened?"
"It's not..." he started before losing his voice.
"What? What's wrong?"
"I can't..." Steve started, "....I can't, Danny."
"Hey, whatever it is we'll get through it," the other man answered.
He shook his head again.
"Steve, babe, look at me!" Danny ordered. Steve met his eyes slowly, "It's gonna be okay."
Steve held into Danny and found that he actually believed him.
THE END
I know this ending may not seem satisfying, but that's because this fic was really to sublimate my own experience coming to terms with having Binge Eating Disorder.
For this reason I'll ask everyone to be conservative with your constructive criticism even if the fic may seem OOC. The experiences are mainly my own, but were supplemented with research on eating disorders in men and in the military (two things I don't have first hand experience with).
Pairings: Steve/Catherine, Steve/Danny
Genre: Character study (Steve-centric), AU, therapeutic writing
Warning: This fic features discussion and description of eating disorders. MAY BE TRIGGERING
How it started is anyone's guess really.
In high school? Team picnics with mothers piling their plates high with home cooked food, pizza eating contests at Friday night get-togethers, followed by defensive line drills Monday afternoon that lasted until someone puked.
The Academy? All day PT sessions during hell week, chow time study sessions that sometimes ended with empty stomachs, stress to meet physical and academic standards.
The truth is it was just an everyday occurence in the service. No CO ordered or even advised anyone under their command to stop eating a few days before weigh-ins. There was no secret Navy handbook to laxatives, duiretics, and diet pills. You just did what you had to do. Everyone knew it.
In military towns even civilian doctors knew it. The walls at gyms on every base he was ever stationed state-side were plastered with fliers from cosmetic surgeons with the words in large print: MILITARY DISCOUNT WITH ID.
And plenty of guys took them up on the offers. Even Nick admitted to spending what was left of his inheritance on liposuction, and that it without a doubt saved his career by allowing him to make weight for admission to BUD/S.
*****
At Coronado was actually the first respite from it. Both instructors and trainees had bigger things to worry about than the tape, and it was pretty much assumed that no one was going to get fat at SEAL training.
*****
Deployment was similar. Standards had to be meet for battle-readiness assessment, of course, but once they actually shipped out there was bigger work to be done. It became a routine. Do what you have to do for the weigh-in, pass, and then not have to worry about it for a year.
Plenty of the guys were what civilians might call obssessed, but civilians had the luxury of being able to get fat if they wanted. There was no room for that kind of softness in the US Navy though. It made you weak, and weakness got people killed.
And ultimately something that everyone around you does doesn't seem abnormal.
Of course, if your surroundings change then so can your definition of normal.
*****
Not that it happened immediately. The first year in reserves Steve hardly thought about it at all. He had a lot more on his mind, and years in the Navy had made it something that just wasn't ever at the front of his mind.
Then he did a stint in prison for allegedly murdering the governor. The physical assessment at his first training weekend after release revealed that he'd gained quite a bit more weight than he realized. Luckily, though, most of it was muscle so measurements with the tape put him at an acceptable body-fat level, and passed him through the weigh-in.
He laughed while the guys in his squad ribbed him about getting a little too comfortable in civilian life.
The truth was, though, that he had. He'd gotten caught up in the sights and smells of his childhood home. Spent too much time celebrating closing case with his team, dragging his new partner around to all his old haunts to try to get the stubborn New Jersey detective to admit that he did actually like Hawaii. Not to mention that same partner who had terrible eating habits and was determined to share them.
*****
It was easier to reverse things the second year because after the events surrounding the governor's murder, and the addition of a new member the team was not as close.
The next assessment was at operations training. Steve easily passed the physical on the scale. He celebrated later with Catherine in her quarters.
After some vigourous 'celebrating' and basking in the afterglow, Steve turned to Catherine and asked what she wanted to do next.
She looked him over with a semi-pensive expression and said they should go get chow next because, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like hell!"
The comment left a cold feeling inside his chest, but luckily he and Catherine were soon wrapped up in a case with 5-0 so he didn't have time to dwell on it.
*****
Back home the situation with Joe escalated to a breaking point. Steve went driving at night a few times to take the edge off...and occasionally stopped at a drive-thru on the way home.
When he decided to take-off for Japan to figure out the Shelburne mystery once and for all, he didn't think much of why he was ended up buying six bags of trail mix and energy gels at the airport newsstand. He had a long trip ahead of him, and who knew if stopping for Bento would be an option where he ended up? It paid to be prepared.
*****
In the blink of an eye he had a mother again, and a not-quite but still practically live-in girlfriend.
He also had some new habits that he was starting to realize were a bit...off. For one thing the so called 'cop diets' that Danny, and even Kono and Chin to an extent, lived on irritated him more than ever before. A Longboard and package of peanuts started becoming all the could think about at the end of a hard case, but at the same time he was more aware than ever how many empty calories they entailed. And, somehow, microwaving a bag of frozen corn after getting home at 1PM became 'dinner.'
Having Catherine around helped some, but was more confusing than anything else because 'dinner' could include anything from leftover sushi from Kamekona's to a bowl of cereal. The fact never seemed to bother her though and if she noticed him giving her strange looks she just said she wasn't big on cooking. He saw her the night before her annual assessment, came home to her munching Kashi from the box. That time he actually asked if she wasn't worried about the weigh-in, but she simply rolled her eyes and put the box up after gobbling down one last mouthful.
He was also starting to spend more time with Danny and Grace which was wonderful...and horrible. He couldn't resist either of them. Wether it was taking Grace to one of Kamekona's shaved ice stands or drinking beers with Danny, it was addicting seeing the two of them so happy. That is until they were gone and he'd have plenty of time to berate himself for his lack of discipline.
*****
When Catherine was transferred to her next location, she and Steve finally had the talk they'd been putting off for years. Neither was surprised by the outcome of it, and Catherine pretended she wasn't disappointed. Steve had never felt like more of a bastard.
They ended up travelling together to her new post in Los Angeles because NCIS asked for his input about a case. With the help of the rest of 5-0 back in Oahu, they wrapped it up pretty quickly.
After saying a final goodbye to Catherine, Steve killed time at the airport bar, and pretended not to notice polishing off two bowls of tortilla chips before his flight was called. In the air the made the flight attendant take away his complimentary bag of Pau Hana Snack Mix.
*****
He coudln't say how things escalated over the next few months because it was mostly an uneventful blur. With a few notiable exceptions of times was sure he was busted.
Danny found a New York Style bakery in Wakiki and brought a dozen doughnuts in to work. It instantly sent Steve's blood rushing. He could barely focus on anything else as Danny sat on the edge of his desk next to the box. When he finally noticed Steve's annoyed glare he rolled his eyes,informed Steve that a box of doughnuts wouldn't give him 'bad food cooties,' and moved it over to the coffee machine. Danny and Chin were out interviewing a witness later that day while Kono and Steve reviewed evidence. When Kono decided to go see if Max had anything new for them he waited until her footsteps were no longer audible before snatching it up.
He was relieved and dissapointed to find there were only two left. He hid the empty box in his office trashcan, sure the team would note its absence but no one did.
****
Spending Friday nights with Danny also became a revived tradition, and Steve started to revel more and more in finding new recipes to prepare. The different smells and colors were exciting. Almost as much as seeing the other man enjoy it. He could tell immediately when Danny really liked something, and practically lived for that moment. To Steve's amusement one of his favorite dishes was grilled pineapple, so he made it for dessert almost every time.
And seeing pineapple juice dribbling down Danny's chin...it was almost a perverse tableu of his two biggest cravings/tormenters.
Feeling his chest constrict he offered Danny another beer, and muttered in his own head "Yeah, have another. Lardass" as he took the first sip of his own.
Feeling momentarily at ease he watched Danny gulping down his beer. It was so easy for the son of a bitch. He scarfed down refined sugar, fried food, and empty calories on a regular basis, but still had an amazing body. Even at a full head shorter than Steve he somehow got away with eating the way he did and still kept his small waist and impossibly narrow hips.
"So are we going to talk about this?" Danny asked.
Steve held his beer bottle tightly to ground himself, "Talk about what?"
"This" he gestured between them, "This thing we have going on."
Steve felt more confident after that, but still..."What thing?"
Danny sighed heavily, "Look, just don't punch me, ok?"
"Why-"
Before he could get the rest of the question out he was in a liplock with his partner. Steve let his beer fall to the floor of the lanai so that he could pull the blond decetive into his lap.
*****
Unsurprisingly, he fell for Danny hard and fast once they got together. If he were honest he had been ever since they got together.
If he were REALLY honest it was the happiest time in his life.
The perfect time for everything to stop.
Except it didn't.
The next physical assessment came up, and now that he was spenging more time with Danny he had to get creative at times. Brushing off malasadas and lattes in the morning wasn't so difficult. Danny was used to that. Avoiding joining in when the team got take-out during cases and went for celebratory dinner and drinks was more challenging. He started brown-bagging lunches. No one noticed what happened to them after he put them in the communal fridge. Not until weeks later when Kono complained about how much space they were taking up, and unceremoniously shoved all the old bags and their uneaten contents into the nearest trashcan.
*****
The weigh-in came and he narrowly avoided having to be assessed by measuring tape. He should have been relieved to have passed, and mad at himself that it was that down to the wire...mostly though he just felt exhausted.
He got back to Honolulu in the middle of the day, so he made his first stop Iolani Palace to check in with the team. They discussed the case until the end of the day.
As Steve and Danny got into his Camaro he grouchily asked how much of a mess to expect at home.
"I actually cleaned up since I kenw you were coming home today," Danny snipped back before going into one of his usual rants.
Steve felt guilty about the comment, and decided he'd make up for it later.
He teased, nipped, and sucked Danny until he screamed. Then preteneded he wasn't disappointed when the other man insisted on reciprocating, and that he didn't feel a twinge of frustration when that lead to another round for both of them.
Finally, however, his parner collapsed next to him in a blissed out coma. He slipped out of bed when Danny started snoring.
He felt keyed up all the way downstairs. By the time he pulled open the freezer and dug out the bag of mini York peppermint patties behind he ice trays, it was almost a numbness.
The anxiety did not disappate until the last patty was gone, only to be instantly replace by complete disgust.
Steve shoved the bag into the trashcan underneath other items, and put on his running shoes. Danny liked to snack on the patties, so he'd notice if they were gone. Plus, it was a good opportunity to exercise some of it off.
He ran the three miles to the nearest grocery store and bought a replacement bag. Back home he opened the bag and dumped a few into the trashcan until it looked to be about at the same level as the old bag.
He then did pushups on the lanai until his abs ached. Back in the kitchen he slowly sipped a glass of water waiting for the cramps to subside.
When the pain went away Steve poured the water down the sink and gripped the glass. He slammed it down on the counter in frustration, before pulling open the trashcan to dig out the peppermint patties he threw away earlier.
The wrappers from those joined the others at the bottom of the can, and Steve snuck back upstairs, brushed his teeth until the taste of chocolate was gone from his mouth, and slipped back into bed.
*****
The next moring he had stomach cramps and the worst indigestion of his life. He tired to hide the fact from Danny, but the other man was too damned astute.
He insisted they stop on the way home from work to get the ingredients to fix his grandmother's 'Jewish penicillin' chicken soup.
It was delicious. The first meal he could remember actually tasting in a long time.
*****
His mom re-appeared as he was ordered to Washington for breifing for a covert op.
He didn't remember stopping at a convenience store, and the decision to stomp the snack cakes into a dirt covered mess was a haze. He rembers all too well frantically cleaning vanilla frosting off his Naval dress shoes and wondering how he became such a disgraceful mess.
*****
The op went well. To his own surprise he remembered how to focus and do the job.
He went home a few days later, skipped his house and went straight to Danny's apartment.
It was late. Danny blinked at him with bleary eyes upon opening the door.
"Hey, you're back," he smiled sleepily, "c'mon in."
Steve kicked the door shut behind him and pulled Danny into a hug.
"I love you."
He felt the confusion in Danny's body before the other man finally answered, "I love you too, you goof."
He pulled back, "You okay?"
Steve shook his head.
"What happened?"
"It's not..." he started before losing his voice.
"What? What's wrong?"
"I can't..." Steve started, "....I can't, Danny."
"Hey, whatever it is we'll get through it," the other man answered.
He shook his head again.
"Steve, babe, look at me!" Danny ordered. Steve met his eyes slowly, "It's gonna be okay."
Steve held into Danny and found that he actually believed him.
THE END
I know this ending may not seem satisfying, but that's because this fic was really to sublimate my own experience coming to terms with having Binge Eating Disorder.
For this reason I'll ask everyone to be conservative with your constructive criticism even if the fic may seem OOC. The experiences are mainly my own, but were supplemented with research on eating disorders in men and in the military (two things I don't have first hand experience with).