The End of it all....
Dear God,
Please......help me stop this. Help me stop loving him. Please give me the strength to remove unwanted forces from my life. I am sorry for whatever I did to deserve this pain and I thank you for giving what will hopefully turn me into a much stronger and wiser person. I know you don't give more than a person can bare but I'm falling down under the weight of this pain.
Ray is a piece of shit....
I hacked into his email account and found out that he has been talking to one of his EX's again. Going up there to see her in September. They talk dirty on the phone to each other all the time. Sending pics back and forth.
I don't even think it's possible to describe the pain I felt. I spent that whole night crying my eyes out. The pain is still unreal for me.
We broke up 3 months ago and in the span of the two months, he started talking to her again....how can he get over 4 years with me in 2 months???? Please someone tell me that.
I asked God to help me and give me the strength it will take to remove him from my life. From my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit, my thoughts, and my wants.
It was and still is the hardest thing I ever asked for because I still love him endlessly. I love him and I want to stop. I feel him inside me. And....deep down...the sad part is, I still want to be with him. I so ashamed to say that, to write it....every time I think about him, I follow up with a prayer to God to ask him to help me stop.
My feelings are at 98% right now. I know he's not good for me, I know he doesn't deserve me but that 2% of undeniable love is holding strong and making me feel weak.
Today I decided to get rid of him in my physical reminders so I am taking and removing all the shit that is his or I got with him away.
Here is what I did to his favorite clothes I took:
His favorite High School shirt from long ago.....I think its the only one he had.....oh well.
His favorite Rocawear shirt. I used to love to smell him and the way he looked in this shirt.....oh well.
His and my favorite gray shorts. I used to wear these around the house all the time. He thought I looked soooo 'cute' in his shorts.
Our relationship.......a pile of shit!!!
Furthermore, I am tired of this name......and the baggage of this journal. When I got this journal, me and Ray were already together so it is filled with our relationship. It is also filled with other stuff I would like to keep memory of but I will be starting a whole new journal and my next post will be my last onehere for a longggg time.....unless I'm dumb enough to go back.
I need to do a friend cut b/c a lot of people on my list don't come here anymore....so I will add the people to request an add or reply.
Thanks.......for everything!!!
Leslie....