Memorial Day Letter
This is a letter I wrote to...no one in particular. I wrote it at 3:31am on Memorial Day and I decided to post it here.
The Letter:
Haven't been to sleep yet so I thought I would do some writing unitl I'm tired.
Consider this an old fashioned Journal Entry....
Life=A piece of shit!!
Why?
I do nothing...
I want so much but do nothing to even attempt to get it...
Why?
I'm lazy, plain and simple. I scare myself sometimes because I often have no drive or willpower to do anything. It's hard to admit.
I start so many things with the intent to finish but I never do.
Why?
I don't know...
Everytime something happens to me I blame everything in the sky to take heat of my wrongs.
Every situation that I failed had an important factor of me.
School=stopped caring
Work=too lazy and want shit just given to me
Relationship= became the needy child and dependent instead of the independent girlfriend.
How did I become those things?
I don't know...
As far as being dependent on a boyfriend, I never was that before. I was always the one with the money, the material shit, buying shit just because but as soon as I have one hard moment, I'm nothing but another bill.
That is actually funny to me.
It just goes to show that no matter how good you are to people, no matter how much you give them, how much you help them, how you go out your fucking way to make sure they are taken care of and happy, you can't EVER expect the same in your time of need or weakness!!!
I just sit here and think about how nice I was to people, how I bent over backwards to lend a hand, a heart, and how those same people turned their backs on me.
You what though???
I don't regret it. Not one moment because I helpted all them out of the pure love and devotion to them. I wanted to be okay even if I wasn't.
Am I a saint?
FUCK NO!!!
Am I a good person?
Above and beyond.
Why?
I would never intentionally hurt anyone. No matter what. I can know you for a day and fall in love with you enough to lend more than my helping hand.
I'm a good person because eventhough I'm lazy, undriven, weak hearted, weak spirited, and loyal, I know eventually I will be more than ok.
Sometimes I have these daydreams. In these dreams I'm just happy in life. I don't have anything great. Normal job, normal car, normal apartment, just everyday hassles, but I'm happy with that.
I have to do the same shit most people have to do to live and I'm happy.
Why?
It's a life thats made just for me. My daily bullshit. Me paying my own way, no help.
That appeals to me!!
For the last couple years I've had this dream of beginning my perfect family life.
Me + Ray = Us, together......happy.
Nothing fancy, that same shit I just said, just making it in life together. I've prepared myself for that life but now it's no more.
So hard to move from an US to a ME in that dream.
I know there will be another man, probably more than one but right now I want what I want and its no other. Being realistic tells me that much sooner I will move on but my heart is saying to just be hurt. My heart is saying I will never be able to make to another like him but my body is telling me its been too damn long. I don't want to go through the hassle of starting over and learning someone new. I'm lazy, didn't I say that... I want to be making crazy plans for my family life, not searching out a new man.....
Okay I'm tired....
End Letter:
That was the letter and exactly how I wrote it on the paper.....
The Letter:
Haven't been to sleep yet so I thought I would do some writing unitl I'm tired.
Consider this an old fashioned Journal Entry....
Life=A piece of shit!!
Why?
I do nothing...
I want so much but do nothing to even attempt to get it...
Why?
I'm lazy, plain and simple. I scare myself sometimes because I often have no drive or willpower to do anything. It's hard to admit.
I start so many things with the intent to finish but I never do.
Why?
I don't know...
Everytime something happens to me I blame everything in the sky to take heat of my wrongs.
Every situation that I failed had an important factor of me.
School=stopped caring
Work=too lazy and want shit just given to me
Relationship= became the needy child and dependent instead of the independent girlfriend.
How did I become those things?
I don't know...
As far as being dependent on a boyfriend, I never was that before. I was always the one with the money, the material shit, buying shit just because but as soon as I have one hard moment, I'm nothing but another bill.
That is actually funny to me.
It just goes to show that no matter how good you are to people, no matter how much you give them, how much you help them, how you go out your fucking way to make sure they are taken care of and happy, you can't EVER expect the same in your time of need or weakness!!!
I just sit here and think about how nice I was to people, how I bent over backwards to lend a hand, a heart, and how those same people turned their backs on me.
You what though???
I don't regret it. Not one moment because I helpted all them out of the pure love and devotion to them. I wanted to be okay even if I wasn't.
Am I a saint?
FUCK NO!!!
Am I a good person?
Above and beyond.
Why?
I would never intentionally hurt anyone. No matter what. I can know you for a day and fall in love with you enough to lend more than my helping hand.
I'm a good person because eventhough I'm lazy, undriven, weak hearted, weak spirited, and loyal, I know eventually I will be more than ok.
Sometimes I have these daydreams. In these dreams I'm just happy in life. I don't have anything great. Normal job, normal car, normal apartment, just everyday hassles, but I'm happy with that.
I have to do the same shit most people have to do to live and I'm happy.
Why?
It's a life thats made just for me. My daily bullshit. Me paying my own way, no help.
That appeals to me!!
For the last couple years I've had this dream of beginning my perfect family life.
Me + Ray = Us, together......happy.
Nothing fancy, that same shit I just said, just making it in life together. I've prepared myself for that life but now it's no more.
So hard to move from an US to a ME in that dream.
I know there will be another man, probably more than one but right now I want what I want and its no other. Being realistic tells me that much sooner I will move on but my heart is saying to just be hurt. My heart is saying I will never be able to make to another like him but my body is telling me its been too damn long. I don't want to go through the hassle of starting over and learning someone new. I'm lazy, didn't I say that... I want to be making crazy plans for my family life, not searching out a new man.....
Okay I'm tired....
End Letter:
That was the letter and exactly how I wrote it on the paper.....