(no subject)
Last night I lost sleep. I thought all night and I came to the conclusion that I've got to stop running.
I'm trying to find a solution to a problem that isnt fixable. Why isn't it fixable?
Because the problem is a mask for something deeper in me.
The real problem is my running and seeking for easy ways out.
I have come to my conclusion that I wont take them. I found that I just cant hurt that many people. I put aside my delusional beliefs and delved into people's reactions or thoughts and decided I cant do it.
The main thing I thought about was my family, mainly my sister. How could she continue planning her wedding when her own sister is dead? It would kill her. It would kill..everyone.
I tried to mask people's pain with a belief that I'd be saving people, but god, I wouldnt be saving anyone...except for my own hide.
And now I'm just confused and dont know what to do. Im not running and since I've been running for so long, Im rusty at thinking how to stay put and what to do.
I need a way to convince my vice-principal that I am ready to handle school, that I'm thinking before acting on impulses. I need a way to convince him that I can catch up in work from my 4 weeks not being at school if I just work hard enough.
I'm just lost. But I can't run anymore.
I won't run anymore.
I'm going to be Sophie. I'm not going to turn my life into Shakespear's tragedy.
I'm going to stop hiding behind Ophelia.
I'm going to stop running.
I'm trying to find a solution to a problem that isnt fixable. Why isn't it fixable?
Because the problem is a mask for something deeper in me.
The real problem is my running and seeking for easy ways out.
I have come to my conclusion that I wont take them. I found that I just cant hurt that many people. I put aside my delusional beliefs and delved into people's reactions or thoughts and decided I cant do it.
The main thing I thought about was my family, mainly my sister. How could she continue planning her wedding when her own sister is dead? It would kill her. It would kill..everyone.
I tried to mask people's pain with a belief that I'd be saving people, but god, I wouldnt be saving anyone...except for my own hide.
And now I'm just confused and dont know what to do. Im not running and since I've been running for so long, Im rusty at thinking how to stay put and what to do.
I need a way to convince my vice-principal that I am ready to handle school, that I'm thinking before acting on impulses. I need a way to convince him that I can catch up in work from my 4 weeks not being at school if I just work hard enough.
I'm just lost. But I can't run anymore.
I won't run anymore.
I'm going to be Sophie. I'm not going to turn my life into Shakespear's tragedy.
I'm going to stop hiding behind Ophelia.
I'm going to stop running.