For Someone Special
Okay. This is one of those entries that I will regret writing when everyone is angry at me or avoiding me completely. I am not saying this to dig up things that I have tried to hide away, forget or even destroy...But it is inside of me, growing and reproducing at an alarming rate. It is making me crazy, so I am going to say some very honest things, confess some things, and apologize for things as well. Once again, this isn't meant to complicate people's lives or bring up dead issues. This is here to remove burdens from my chest and to hopefully give someone very dear to me some courage and much deserved happiness. Rion, this is for you.
You know that since the day I first saw you I have been crazy about you. I knew that you had Mica, and I knew that we would never be more than friends, hey, in the beginning I was wondering if we would ever even be that. And I am not writing this because you aren't dating her right now, that isn't why at all. I would just flat out say why I am doing this in a simple sentence if I could, but that just won't work. I'll let this entry explain itself, I think that is the only way.
*deep breath*
First of all I want to tell you how much I truly care about you as a friend and brother. When I read your entries I feel pain inside as you face hardships and confusion. I get confused too sometimes, wondering why I'm never really the one you go to for help, then I figure it is probably because you know that I have a lot of feelings for you, and maybe because I make you uncofortable with my type of advice. So don't worry about that, I just want you to know that I AM here to help you whenever, with whatever. I'm so sorry that I am not one of the friends who calls you. You said that you love it when people call and ask how you are doing. But I don't call you because I worry that you'd get the wrong idea or that someone else would get the wrong idea...And other times I'd worry that you wouldn't really want to hear from me. But even though I don't call you, I do think about you and pray for you and long to do all I can to help you.
I know you don't like work very much most of the time, but I love going to Geo's when you are there. I adore being able to see you and spend time with you. It makes me so happy to get to talk to you, stand with you, be your buddy for those few precious hours. It means so much to me. This is the heart and soul of what I want to say. You are amazing. I know I've told you that at work. I know I tell you that I like your hair or that I think you are the greatest, but seriously. You are more than attractive. You are absolutely, breathtaking. I really and truly believe that. I know you hate it when I say you have a poet face, but you do, and I think it is the most beautiful, intricate, soulful little face that God has ever made. You are a work of art from every hair on your head to your little toes! Don't you ever think that you are less attractive because you don't match up to the "norm" of beauty. I know you know this, but I know that it is hard to believe, so I am going to tell you because I know that for at least a few moments, it helps me and makes me smile, and I love when you truly smile, when you laugh...I love to be a part of your joy. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me be a part of your life. Not only do I think you are a beautiful person on the outside, I also know that you are filled with some of the sweetest attributes of all on the inside. You really do love people with all you have, you never want to be driven to hate, and when people push you and push you and you can't understand why, it drives you crazy...And it enrages me to think that someone would ever try to turn you from the gentle boy you are into a bitter soul. They only do it because they know that they don't have the precious heart that you have. They don't have it so they don't want you to have it either. They are jealous of your maturity, the amount of analyzing, poetry and depth that makes you who you are. Everyone knows you are different, some are intimidated because they don't understand, others are jealous because they wish they had what you have. I know you bash yourself on all angles, but I beg you to take a hold of what I am saying for just one minute. I don't think, I KNOW that there is no one else in the world who is quite like you, not even that boy at ICC. You are a truly angelic soul who has touched my heart. You make me laugh and cry, and the richness of your spirit is something I want you to discover and treasure as I have.
Meeting this guy at ICC has opened my eyes these past few days. I thought it was really neat that this guy reminded me of you, but when I told you about it and was with you on Wednesday, I realized more than ever, what an individual you are, and how much you mean to me. I will be brutally honest now. When I stood at your car with you, waiting for Maggie, just talking, I longed to tell you what was writhing in my heart, but I knew that I couldn't say it because of all the problems it would cause, so I bit it back over and over, until I was in my car driving home. As I type this I am still debating whether or not I should even continue, but the sobs forming and the tears peeking out to see what I am writing have given their input.
I love you, Ryan.
I'm sorry I said it because I know it makes things hard and it makes people angry. But please, don't let it makes things hard. I just want you to know, nothing more. You don't have to worry about it at all. Just know it. Because I want you to know that you ARE loved, because I don't think you hear it enough. I want you to be appreciated as much as you should be, so there it is. I know that you have known about my "feelings" for you for a long while now. I've always had those, but like I said in the beginning, things have grown, and even though I've tried to supress all I can, I have not been able to. Forgive me for saying so many awkward things, but just remember, this is only for you to know so that you can think of someone who cares for you and thinks you are beautiful when it seems like no one does. That is why I am writing this. And you knowing that is all I could ever ask for in the world. Cheers to you, and all of the blessings and happiness in the world.
You know that since the day I first saw you I have been crazy about you. I knew that you had Mica, and I knew that we would never be more than friends, hey, in the beginning I was wondering if we would ever even be that. And I am not writing this because you aren't dating her right now, that isn't why at all. I would just flat out say why I am doing this in a simple sentence if I could, but that just won't work. I'll let this entry explain itself, I think that is the only way.
*deep breath*
First of all I want to tell you how much I truly care about you as a friend and brother. When I read your entries I feel pain inside as you face hardships and confusion. I get confused too sometimes, wondering why I'm never really the one you go to for help, then I figure it is probably because you know that I have a lot of feelings for you, and maybe because I make you uncofortable with my type of advice. So don't worry about that, I just want you to know that I AM here to help you whenever, with whatever. I'm so sorry that I am not one of the friends who calls you. You said that you love it when people call and ask how you are doing. But I don't call you because I worry that you'd get the wrong idea or that someone else would get the wrong idea...And other times I'd worry that you wouldn't really want to hear from me. But even though I don't call you, I do think about you and pray for you and long to do all I can to help you.
I know you don't like work very much most of the time, but I love going to Geo's when you are there. I adore being able to see you and spend time with you. It makes me so happy to get to talk to you, stand with you, be your buddy for those few precious hours. It means so much to me. This is the heart and soul of what I want to say. You are amazing. I know I've told you that at work. I know I tell you that I like your hair or that I think you are the greatest, but seriously. You are more than attractive. You are absolutely, breathtaking. I really and truly believe that. I know you hate it when I say you have a poet face, but you do, and I think it is the most beautiful, intricate, soulful little face that God has ever made. You are a work of art from every hair on your head to your little toes! Don't you ever think that you are less attractive because you don't match up to the "norm" of beauty. I know you know this, but I know that it is hard to believe, so I am going to tell you because I know that for at least a few moments, it helps me and makes me smile, and I love when you truly smile, when you laugh...I love to be a part of your joy. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me be a part of your life. Not only do I think you are a beautiful person on the outside, I also know that you are filled with some of the sweetest attributes of all on the inside. You really do love people with all you have, you never want to be driven to hate, and when people push you and push you and you can't understand why, it drives you crazy...And it enrages me to think that someone would ever try to turn you from the gentle boy you are into a bitter soul. They only do it because they know that they don't have the precious heart that you have. They don't have it so they don't want you to have it either. They are jealous of your maturity, the amount of analyzing, poetry and depth that makes you who you are. Everyone knows you are different, some are intimidated because they don't understand, others are jealous because they wish they had what you have. I know you bash yourself on all angles, but I beg you to take a hold of what I am saying for just one minute. I don't think, I KNOW that there is no one else in the world who is quite like you, not even that boy at ICC. You are a truly angelic soul who has touched my heart. You make me laugh and cry, and the richness of your spirit is something I want you to discover and treasure as I have.
Meeting this guy at ICC has opened my eyes these past few days. I thought it was really neat that this guy reminded me of you, but when I told you about it and was with you on Wednesday, I realized more than ever, what an individual you are, and how much you mean to me. I will be brutally honest now. When I stood at your car with you, waiting for Maggie, just talking, I longed to tell you what was writhing in my heart, but I knew that I couldn't say it because of all the problems it would cause, so I bit it back over and over, until I was in my car driving home. As I type this I am still debating whether or not I should even continue, but the sobs forming and the tears peeking out to see what I am writing have given their input.
I love you, Ryan.
I'm sorry I said it because I know it makes things hard and it makes people angry. But please, don't let it makes things hard. I just want you to know, nothing more. You don't have to worry about it at all. Just know it. Because I want you to know that you ARE loved, because I don't think you hear it enough. I want you to be appreciated as much as you should be, so there it is. I know that you have known about my "feelings" for you for a long while now. I've always had those, but like I said in the beginning, things have grown, and even though I've tried to supress all I can, I have not been able to. Forgive me for saying so many awkward things, but just remember, this is only for you to know so that you can think of someone who cares for you and thinks you are beautiful when it seems like no one does. That is why I am writing this. And you knowing that is all I could ever ask for in the world. Cheers to you, and all of the blessings and happiness in the world.