(no subject)
so i just need to write a minute-- read it or dont- i really dont care becuse i know the one person who should read this will never do it.
i went to justin's tonight. he said he was lonely and whimpered until i came over. i laid on his bed and he laid directly next to me... i moved and he followed- he wanted to be touching me, he wanted me to rub his back and run my fingers through his hair. jesus, he was even humping me... so i get a call at 10:30 that ih ave to come home (which is good cause i am really sick and still cant quite figure out how to explain that to people). he says he's so lonely and i say i can stay 10 more minutes- playing around, i give him a hickie on his stomach... he says i can only give him hickies where people cant see it. i kiss him on the lips, he pulls away and says "i dont want to kiss you" i swear i felt my heart fade to dust. it feels like there is nothing inside my chest but this gaping hole. i got up and tried to leave and he hugged me and tried to be the nice guy- but thats not him... we both know it isnt him, its all an act so he wont feel so guilty. he said it wouldnt be fair to me. you know what isnt fucking fair to me? the way he treats me- and what he expects me to do... i felt like shouting "I'M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU--- THATS NOT FAIR TO ME" he insisted on walking me out--- probably the first time he actually did that. i couldnt even look at him-- the though made me feel so sick... i hate what we are becomming. i dont want to care so much about him... this isnt fair to me at all-- and i think we need to talk, but i just feel so retarded. FUUUUUUCK.
i went to justin's tonight. he said he was lonely and whimpered until i came over. i laid on his bed and he laid directly next to me... i moved and he followed- he wanted to be touching me, he wanted me to rub his back and run my fingers through his hair. jesus, he was even humping me... so i get a call at 10:30 that ih ave to come home (which is good cause i am really sick and still cant quite figure out how to explain that to people). he says he's so lonely and i say i can stay 10 more minutes- playing around, i give him a hickie on his stomach... he says i can only give him hickies where people cant see it. i kiss him on the lips, he pulls away and says "i dont want to kiss you" i swear i felt my heart fade to dust. it feels like there is nothing inside my chest but this gaping hole. i got up and tried to leave and he hugged me and tried to be the nice guy- but thats not him... we both know it isnt him, its all an act so he wont feel so guilty. he said it wouldnt be fair to me. you know what isnt fucking fair to me? the way he treats me- and what he expects me to do... i felt like shouting "I'M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU--- THATS NOT FAIR TO ME" he insisted on walking me out--- probably the first time he actually did that. i couldnt even look at him-- the though made me feel so sick... i hate what we are becomming. i dont want to care so much about him... this isnt fair to me at all-- and i think we need to talk, but i just feel so retarded. FUUUUUUCK.