Admitting it is the first step...
Today... i took the first step towards healing what for me has been a lifelong issue. By lifelong i mean as long as i can really remember...
Today... i saw a psychologist for the first time.
Today... i admitted to someone in person that i am terrified of men and that the very thought of intimacy with them fills me with dread... while at the same time with longing.
For as long as i can remember i have always had incredibly conflicting feelings in regards to what i want in my life. While one day i might wish i had someone there, might want nothing more than to experience the love and closeness with another that so many others are lucky to have... another day i am completely adamant that i want nothing to do with relationships.
I'm a dreamer, i love nothing more than to spend my time imagining whatever catches my fancy at the time. I read romance novels, i love sappy music, i love reading romance fic (be it fluffy innocence or firery smut) and adore writing... some of it... myself.
I know that i have always been jealous of my friends when i see how happy they are with their partners and almost CRAVE that kind of connection with someone for myself. I tell myself that i have so much to give and i just have to find someone i like who is willing to take what i have and give themselves in return...
That's normally where the problem starts...
As soon as a guy... ANY GUY... shows a hint of interest in me... i'm halfway around the world and headed for outer space as fast as possible. Which is a really stupid reaction and something that means i'm probably screwing myself over before i even start.
The psychologist... she said she's going to help me stop doing that. She said that she's going to help me so that when some man does fall in love with me (i can dream right?) i'll be able to respond properly and without my instinctual 'run away' response.
As such i took the first step today and i called the guy that asked me out (who i've learned is MUCH older than i thought). I apologised and explained that right now wasn't a good time for me and that i would have to cancel on him. I might be missing an opportunity here but i know that i'm not ready, my fight or flight instinct is stuck securely on flight and until i can work past that fear... dating isn't really viable.
I feel bad... but there was no 'click' anyway... he didn't appeal to me in ANY way... not even as a possible friend... but i suppose i should be grateful to him for at least freaking me out enough to make me face myself and admit that my reactions aren't normal and i need help.
So from here on, i'll be working to become a better more confident me... i'll see my psychologist and have her help me through my underlying issues and i'll come out on the other side ready to try to find the love that i can once again admit that i really do want.
She got me to admit it. I've been so afraid that i'd almost completely convinced myself that i wanted to be alone.
I cried when i admitted i wanted someone there... because i knew for the first time... i was resolutely being 100% honest that i DIDN'T want to spend my life alone.
It may take time and i may actually start to realise how lonely i am when the denial really falls away... but it's going to be worth it... because i'll be better and i won't be AFRAID anymore.
Today... i saw a psychologist for the first time.
Today... i admitted to someone in person that i am terrified of men and that the very thought of intimacy with them fills me with dread... while at the same time with longing.
For as long as i can remember i have always had incredibly conflicting feelings in regards to what i want in my life. While one day i might wish i had someone there, might want nothing more than to experience the love and closeness with another that so many others are lucky to have... another day i am completely adamant that i want nothing to do with relationships.
I'm a dreamer, i love nothing more than to spend my time imagining whatever catches my fancy at the time. I read romance novels, i love sappy music, i love reading romance fic (be it fluffy innocence or firery smut) and adore writing... some of it... myself.
I know that i have always been jealous of my friends when i see how happy they are with their partners and almost CRAVE that kind of connection with someone for myself. I tell myself that i have so much to give and i just have to find someone i like who is willing to take what i have and give themselves in return...
That's normally where the problem starts...
As soon as a guy... ANY GUY... shows a hint of interest in me... i'm halfway around the world and headed for outer space as fast as possible. Which is a really stupid reaction and something that means i'm probably screwing myself over before i even start.
The psychologist... she said she's going to help me stop doing that. She said that she's going to help me so that when some man does fall in love with me (i can dream right?) i'll be able to respond properly and without my instinctual 'run away' response.
As such i took the first step today and i called the guy that asked me out (who i've learned is MUCH older than i thought). I apologised and explained that right now wasn't a good time for me and that i would have to cancel on him. I might be missing an opportunity here but i know that i'm not ready, my fight or flight instinct is stuck securely on flight and until i can work past that fear... dating isn't really viable.
I feel bad... but there was no 'click' anyway... he didn't appeal to me in ANY way... not even as a possible friend... but i suppose i should be grateful to him for at least freaking me out enough to make me face myself and admit that my reactions aren't normal and i need help.
So from here on, i'll be working to become a better more confident me... i'll see my psychologist and have her help me through my underlying issues and i'll come out on the other side ready to try to find the love that i can once again admit that i really do want.
She got me to admit it. I've been so afraid that i'd almost completely convinced myself that i wanted to be alone.
I cried when i admitted i wanted someone there... because i knew for the first time... i was resolutely being 100% honest that i DIDN'T want to spend my life alone.
It may take time and i may actually start to realise how lonely i am when the denial really falls away... but it's going to be worth it... because i'll be better and i won't be AFRAID anymore.