dreams

[mystical_angel8]

My dreams seem to be mostly of my husband nowadays. What does that mean? Well, I think it means that I am longing for the way it used to be when we were happy and I didnt know anything was going on. I constantly wish that we could have been happy like I always thought in the past. But reality brings me back everytime. I know what happened and know what went wrong but I dont know why it happened still to this very day. I always saw myself growing old with him. I always felt so secure when we moved into that beautiful apartment on Charles Street in Muncie. I miss what we had as a family. I long to have that happiness again but I know in my heart that it is like this now for a reason. The events of the past few months have shown me what means what in our lives. I dont know if I can ever be completely happy again.... I need my dear Katelyn to be happy before I will ever be. She is too young to understand anything that is going on and I believe that to be the best for her. I had to go through this with my parents when I was in 6th grade...when I WAS old enough to understand and it only hurt me worse. I have seen nothing but failing relationships in my life other than my brothers and I dont know why it happened to me. I ask myself everday why did my life turn out the way it did and will it be like this forever? Will I always be sitting here wondering why things happened the way that they did? And will I be able to ever have my happiness back. I know that great things happen from day to day but that doesnt always mean that the person is really truely happy with their lives. Is that what I was supposed to figure out? It that the reason... Do I even make any sense? I dont know...

I guess that I am in one of those moods where I am trying to make sense of the world and why we are surronded by love yet we are so lonely. I guess time will only tell.

Well goodnight...until we meet again.