blocks, work, hurts
Today I am a bt haunted by two things (which also means, potentially transformed by them!). One is the way that I hold some sort of hurt about a particular friend of mine and another is guilt I have about being on a little research sabbatical, despite not actually feeling that I have earned it. I spent an immense amoutn of time slowly putting together an article that, once I sent it to my ideal journal, was immediately rejected because it did not fit the area that the journal was focused on. Basically, they don't do articles that are too closely focused on a subject like my interest in material culture. Since then I have sort of backed off (unforunately, because I feel a lot of pressure to get back on the horse) sending the paper out again. Instead, I find myeslf gravitating back to an unfinished project made up of interviews with people in some way connected to a curandera (mesoamerican traditional healer) named Elena Avila who I have mentioned here before. The piece was thrown together and the interviews were left intact rather than woven through a typical academic paper, with most of my comments before and after. I don't know to what degree that will interest any major ethnography journals, but we will see. I think I need to start submitting it as soon as possible, my slowing down of the process is probably what is blocking me. I need this to be in motion, somehow. Or at least that's what preoccupies me; I realise that one of the most important things for me is to have the feeling that things are mvoing, even if it means that I am moving impractically, too much, or putting the cart ahead of the horse. I can't help but wonder sometimes whether this urge is wiser or notter
So after writing the above paragraph I took some time out to pray, meditate and do some inward journeying to see what might be blocked and I basically perceived a few things followed by some pressure in the head and falling asleep. This is a common pattern at the moment. At least I realised that I need to contact someone for feedback on my work, after doing that. Well let's see...hard work, intuition, necessary breaks for creativity. I suppose it all has its place.
I also feel a bit distracted by hurt that I carry about a friend who has only rarely been in touch over the last few years. If I could figure out how to address that (just with myself, first...not even with her, yet) that would be great. I feel betrayed by her neglect, something I often feel towards my mother and towards other women who I have been very close to, but platonically close. A certain desperation enters into these relationships that are decidely not romantic, but yet intense and, well, always disappointing and hurtful I know this sounds quite conscious and perhaps almost resolved in the way that the connection is clear. After all, I used to be so very hurt when my mother would leave me in bookstores for hours while she went on dates with men or tried to (quite rightly) focus on strategies for earning money to raise me as a single mother. As an adult its understandable, as a child...well, it wasn't at all. I used to sit in bookstores reading and after about three hours I would be so embarassed by the gaze of the bookstore staff (I felt humiliated by the idea that they would find it strange to see me there for so long) that I would start getting enraged at my mother, for both abandonment and the humilitation that had grown inside of me. After all, I didn't have a cellphone. Even up until recently, I would get enraged by my mother not answering her phone or leaving me waiting somewhere, but as an adult I have tended to lash out at her and others more than I would as a boy.
In any case, I don't want to beat up on myself for not working enough. But, at the same time, I wish I could be more productive at the moment or at least to have more clarity about waht is interfering with my clarity. Almost there....
So after writing the above paragraph I took some time out to pray, meditate and do some inward journeying to see what might be blocked and I basically perceived a few things followed by some pressure in the head and falling asleep. This is a common pattern at the moment. At least I realised that I need to contact someone for feedback on my work, after doing that. Well let's see...hard work, intuition, necessary breaks for creativity. I suppose it all has its place.
I also feel a bit distracted by hurt that I carry about a friend who has only rarely been in touch over the last few years. If I could figure out how to address that (just with myself, first...not even with her, yet) that would be great. I feel betrayed by her neglect, something I often feel towards my mother and towards other women who I have been very close to, but platonically close. A certain desperation enters into these relationships that are decidely not romantic, but yet intense and, well, always disappointing and hurtful I know this sounds quite conscious and perhaps almost resolved in the way that the connection is clear. After all, I used to be so very hurt when my mother would leave me in bookstores for hours while she went on dates with men or tried to (quite rightly) focus on strategies for earning money to raise me as a single mother. As an adult its understandable, as a child...well, it wasn't at all. I used to sit in bookstores reading and after about three hours I would be so embarassed by the gaze of the bookstore staff (I felt humiliated by the idea that they would find it strange to see me there for so long) that I would start getting enraged at my mother, for both abandonment and the humilitation that had grown inside of me. After all, I didn't have a cellphone. Even up until recently, I would get enraged by my mother not answering her phone or leaving me waiting somewhere, but as an adult I have tended to lash out at her and others more than I would as a boy.
In any case, I don't want to beat up on myself for not working enough. But, at the same time, I wish I could be more productive at the moment or at least to have more clarity about waht is interfering with my clarity. Almost there....