shedding skins
If I had to put some labels on what is manifesting in my heart these days, it is a desire for and experience of cleansing. My mind and heart are seeking to be rid of the old patterns, mostly those that involve obsession and indulgence. I remember the way that Elena, in her last meeting with me before she died, did a powerful casting out of the spirit of obsession from me. Now, that may sound like very far out language, but it is sometimes experienced in that way, like an entity being liberated from one's field of awareness. I am gratefully for this lightening of the load I am carrying, in which I see that there is no need need to hold on to old thoughts and patterns.
So there is a great deal of surrender, but at the same time, there are very much elements of an active and engaged surrender, rather than the usual sort that we imagine to be passive; I find myself getting more and more physical, rather than less. I am doing martial arts and playing football/soccer. I am trying not to let my heart and mind be totally dominated by the obsession with my academic career, and yet trying to balance that with also not neglecting that work, in balance, inşallah.
So, I don't know whether I am arriving anywhere. Perhaps this is the great 'undoing' busy or not though it may appear. And perhaps that cannot have anything to do with reaching any particular goal. Certainly my focus on goals has at times been the trap of obsession and non-surrender that I have fallen into before. So, I won't describe these surrendered moments as a linear progression. That I really don't know anything about. I must be honest. I am so ignorant of ultimate truth and I don't want to be dishonest about that, forming a veil of knowing between me and the Beloved. No. I don't know. Goodnight.
So there is a great deal of surrender, but at the same time, there are very much elements of an active and engaged surrender, rather than the usual sort that we imagine to be passive; I find myself getting more and more physical, rather than less. I am doing martial arts and playing football/soccer. I am trying not to let my heart and mind be totally dominated by the obsession with my academic career, and yet trying to balance that with also not neglecting that work, in balance, inşallah.
So, I don't know whether I am arriving anywhere. Perhaps this is the great 'undoing' busy or not though it may appear. And perhaps that cannot have anything to do with reaching any particular goal. Certainly my focus on goals has at times been the trap of obsession and non-surrender that I have fallen into before. So, I won't describe these surrendered moments as a linear progression. That I really don't know anything about. I must be honest. I am so ignorant of ultimate truth and I don't want to be dishonest about that, forming a veil of knowing between me and the Beloved. No. I don't know. Goodnight.