I don't know what to title this
This might be the last you all see from me for a while. Everytime I get on facebook or LJ to check up on my friends I get depressed. The fact that I've been unpacking my things all alone during the day while everyone else who lives here is at work doesn't help neither does the fact that I've been turned down for a job 3 times. But those aren't the most depressing things right now.
I've tried to work this out. I've tried to make things better. I think I did for a while, but now things aren't so good for me any more. There are just things in my life or not in my life that are bothering me again and have been for a couple of months. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be as happy as I once was. I'd never been that happy before and had never known that it was possible, and somehow it slipped away.
I still have issues with myself and people I know. Sometimes I wonder if me saying something would make things better, but it would probably only make things more complicated and unhappy for them. Sometimes I feel written off or not taken seriously because of who I am...sweet, nice, little innocent Jennifer who would never understand their mature, big-people ways of thinking and doing things. I gaurentee that I am not what you think I am. I am not always sweet and nice: I can be a bitch if you want me to. I am not as innocent a mind as you think: most of the time I get the dirty jokes that you make or the comments taken out of context at the same time or before you do, those comments you say "aw Jennifer won't get it, so innocent" and you HAVE said that. I went to Catholic school for 9 years and then lived in Blount for 3 more years where they corrupted me further...I could make baudy jokes that YOU wouldn't understand. And from hanging around, I can see that I am more mature than most of you.
Sometimes I wish I didn't exist so this didn't hurt so bad. For me to grow up with a sister who treats me lower that dirt with no human dignity, then to come here and find a new home (not the one with Jessica and Price and Tyler, but the one with those of you from UA who are reading this) where I feel loved and belong and have my heart broken by people there is just too much for me to stay happy and sane.
I've tried to work this out. I've tried to make things better. I think I did for a while, but now things aren't so good for me any more. There are just things in my life or not in my life that are bothering me again and have been for a couple of months. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be as happy as I once was. I'd never been that happy before and had never known that it was possible, and somehow it slipped away.
I still have issues with myself and people I know. Sometimes I wonder if me saying something would make things better, but it would probably only make things more complicated and unhappy for them. Sometimes I feel written off or not taken seriously because of who I am...sweet, nice, little innocent Jennifer who would never understand their mature, big-people ways of thinking and doing things. I gaurentee that I am not what you think I am. I am not always sweet and nice: I can be a bitch if you want me to. I am not as innocent a mind as you think: most of the time I get the dirty jokes that you make or the comments taken out of context at the same time or before you do, those comments you say "aw Jennifer won't get it, so innocent" and you HAVE said that. I went to Catholic school for 9 years and then lived in Blount for 3 more years where they corrupted me further...I could make baudy jokes that YOU wouldn't understand. And from hanging around, I can see that I am more mature than most of you.
Sometimes I wish I didn't exist so this didn't hurt so bad. For me to grow up with a sister who treats me lower that dirt with no human dignity, then to come here and find a new home (not the one with Jessica and Price and Tyler, but the one with those of you from UA who are reading this) where I feel loved and belong and have my heart broken by people there is just too much for me to stay happy and sane.