The Cardinal Rule
As a gesture of good will and friendship, the remaining members of the JSA agreed to have dinner with the team. Unfortunately that meant that Carter, Courtney would meet with Oliver, J’onn and Clark. Not the most unassuming of groups.
The night quickly crashed and burned when Clark was called away by a scream for help. Courtney was occupied by the ‘cute bus boy’. J’onn was left to deal with a police crisis. That left Oliver and Carter at the bar together. Banter turned into awkward understanding that quickly turned into drinking. Seeing their similarities proved to be a good motivator to drink.
Both men were more than capable of holding their liquor. But in the presence of the other, they were reluctant to admit defeat and stop drinking. They caught themselves in a vicious circle.
“So you’re old.” Oliver quipped.
“And you are so green.” Carter responded.
“I have been doing this for years.”
“Well I have been doing this for decades.”
Oliver signaled the bartender for another round. Each man pounded back another drink. “So we are back to my point that you are old.”
“With your quality of brains, I can understand why you are always at the frontlines.” Carter mocked.
“Hey! I’m there because I’m good.” The next round was in front of them then in them within seconds.
Carter said his observation. “You are there because you chose to fight. You may be good now. But you need more people if you want to make any impact on the world. Can you acknowledge this twit? She has made at least three passes by us.” Carter noticed the same bar floozy walking behind them several times. Her eyes glued to Oliver with the classic ‘come and get me’ signs.
Oliver finally saw her at Carter’s prompting. He shot her his infamous grin. “Hey there sweetheart. What’s your name?”
Carter continued to drink as he was subjected to the soundtrack of this frivolous flirting. It became very apparent that this wouldn’t go anywhere. It was merely a confidence boost for Oliver and for the nameless girl. After five minutes, he broke it up.
He turned to the girl and said “Sorry girlie. This one is unavailable. Keep on fishing.” She left in a huff.
Oliver watched her go then turned to glare at Carter. “What? Why did you do that?”
“That girl was fake. I’m pretty sure I saw the Fisher-Price logo stamped on her.”
Oliver let out a laugh. It was hard not to when someone categorized a floozy so aptly. “Alright well you are confusing. Regardless another bites the dust. Would you like me to be your wingman?”
Carter smirked at the reference. “I got that department covered.”
Oliver went to his go-to conversation starter. “So you save any buses lately? Perhaps full of children?”
Carter shook his head and grinned.
“What do you use to clean the big ol’ mace of yours anyways?” The conversation continued with an easy camaraderie. The banter continued but there was always an underlying tone of respect between the two. Their guys night out was interrupted only one more time.
“Excuse me. I need to call my girl.” Oliver said as he looked at the clock above the bar.
“Who now?”
“Little blonde. Likes to walk in and make you feel like an idiot. You called her a secretary before.”
“Oh right. She is a cutie.”
“Psff. Don’t bother. She isn’t interested in you.” He reached for his phone and hit redial. “By the way, they are called assistants now. You need to get into the now, grandpa.”
He swirled his body off of the bar stool and slurred “Heeeeeyyyy.”
“Oliver. I thought you were going to see Carter and Courtney tonight.”
“I did. I mean I am.”
There was a hint of confusion in her voice as she detected his tone. “You sound drunk.”
“I am drunk.”
“That’s not really putting our best foot forward.” she said lightly chastising him.
“I happen to think it is going great missy. Hey, why do they say best foot forward? Why not best nose or best mouth?”
Although he couldn’t see her, she quirked her brow then grinned. “Because there is only one of those?”
“Because you have a great mouth. Really a world class mouth.” he said honestly.
The smiles slipped a little from her face. They were venturing into unknown territory. “Oliver, I think it’s time for you to hang up the phone and go home. Clearly you are out of it.”
“For saying you have a great mouth? Naw I don’t need to go down the rabbit hole to figure that out.”
She tried to divert the conversation. “Where is J’onn? Did you get him drunk too?”
The volume of Oliver’s voice wavered. It sounded like he was swaying with his phone in hand. “He bailed. Something to do with police thing. Blah blah. Did you ever notice that he talks really slow?”
She smiled again. “No I didn’t.”
Oliver could hear the laughter in her voice and wanted it to continue. “Well I do. Sometimes when he talks it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. Wah wah wah. ”
Now she was curious. “And what does it sound like when you are talking to me?”
“Ummm… that’s a trick question isn’t it?”
“I don’t know. Is it?”
He was befuddled for moments, trying to keep up with the conversation. “What? I’m confused. When you talk I listen….usually. But sometimes you wear that strappy little top. You know I love that thing? I like to think about slipping it down your shoulders. And there are those heels of yours.”
She blushed again. This conversation was certainly illuminating. Drunk Oliver was free of inhibitions. And apparently a lot of those had to do with herself. “Alright Romeo that’s enough. It’s good to know that you are mentally undressing me when I’m talking to you.”
“It’s good to know that you think it’s good too.”
She felt her cheeks heat even more. She needed to cut this conversation short as soon as possible. “Why did you call, Oliver?”
“It’s 12 o’clock. I always check in before I go on patrol.”
“But you aren’t going on patrol tonight.” she pointed out somewhat needlessly.
“Yea right. Well then I’ll just tell you that you were missed tonight.” He paused trying to get the room to stop spinning. “I missed you tonight.” He moved his moth away from the phone. “See Carter I can tell people how I feel about them!”
A/N: So someone drunk texted me a couple weeks ago. It was not the first instance of such behaviour from the same guy. But it did inspire me to do this wacky one shot so I’m weirdly grateful. And seriously Fortune just about clinched it for me. So I hope you liked it. Gifts for those who review as always.
Edit: I forgot to credit Susan Elizabeth Phillips. The Fisher Price line was adapted from one of her books, Bet Me.
The night quickly crashed and burned when Clark was called away by a scream for help. Courtney was occupied by the ‘cute bus boy’. J’onn was left to deal with a police crisis. That left Oliver and Carter at the bar together. Banter turned into awkward understanding that quickly turned into drinking. Seeing their similarities proved to be a good motivator to drink.
Both men were more than capable of holding their liquor. But in the presence of the other, they were reluctant to admit defeat and stop drinking. They caught themselves in a vicious circle.
“So you’re old.” Oliver quipped.
“And you are so green.” Carter responded.
“I have been doing this for years.”
“Well I have been doing this for decades.”
Oliver signaled the bartender for another round. Each man pounded back another drink. “So we are back to my point that you are old.”
“With your quality of brains, I can understand why you are always at the frontlines.” Carter mocked.
“Hey! I’m there because I’m good.” The next round was in front of them then in them within seconds.
Carter said his observation. “You are there because you chose to fight. You may be good now. But you need more people if you want to make any impact on the world. Can you acknowledge this twit? She has made at least three passes by us.” Carter noticed the same bar floozy walking behind them several times. Her eyes glued to Oliver with the classic ‘come and get me’ signs.
Oliver finally saw her at Carter’s prompting. He shot her his infamous grin. “Hey there sweetheart. What’s your name?”
Carter continued to drink as he was subjected to the soundtrack of this frivolous flirting. It became very apparent that this wouldn’t go anywhere. It was merely a confidence boost for Oliver and for the nameless girl. After five minutes, he broke it up.
He turned to the girl and said “Sorry girlie. This one is unavailable. Keep on fishing.” She left in a huff.
Oliver watched her go then turned to glare at Carter. “What? Why did you do that?”
“That girl was fake. I’m pretty sure I saw the Fisher-Price logo stamped on her.”
Oliver let out a laugh. It was hard not to when someone categorized a floozy so aptly. “Alright well you are confusing. Regardless another bites the dust. Would you like me to be your wingman?”
Carter smirked at the reference. “I got that department covered.”
Oliver went to his go-to conversation starter. “So you save any buses lately? Perhaps full of children?”
Carter shook his head and grinned.
“What do you use to clean the big ol’ mace of yours anyways?” The conversation continued with an easy camaraderie. The banter continued but there was always an underlying tone of respect between the two. Their guys night out was interrupted only one more time.
“Excuse me. I need to call my girl.” Oliver said as he looked at the clock above the bar.
“Who now?”
“Little blonde. Likes to walk in and make you feel like an idiot. You called her a secretary before.”
“Oh right. She is a cutie.”
“Psff. Don’t bother. She isn’t interested in you.” He reached for his phone and hit redial. “By the way, they are called assistants now. You need to get into the now, grandpa.”
He swirled his body off of the bar stool and slurred “Heeeeeyyyy.”
“Oliver. I thought you were going to see Carter and Courtney tonight.”
“I did. I mean I am.”
There was a hint of confusion in her voice as she detected his tone. “You sound drunk.”
“I am drunk.”
“That’s not really putting our best foot forward.” she said lightly chastising him.
“I happen to think it is going great missy. Hey, why do they say best foot forward? Why not best nose or best mouth?”
Although he couldn’t see her, she quirked her brow then grinned. “Because there is only one of those?”
“Because you have a great mouth. Really a world class mouth.” he said honestly.
The smiles slipped a little from her face. They were venturing into unknown territory. “Oliver, I think it’s time for you to hang up the phone and go home. Clearly you are out of it.”
“For saying you have a great mouth? Naw I don’t need to go down the rabbit hole to figure that out.”
She tried to divert the conversation. “Where is J’onn? Did you get him drunk too?”
The volume of Oliver’s voice wavered. It sounded like he was swaying with his phone in hand. “He bailed. Something to do with police thing. Blah blah. Did you ever notice that he talks really slow?”
She smiled again. “No I didn’t.”
Oliver could hear the laughter in her voice and wanted it to continue. “Well I do. Sometimes when he talks it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me. Wah wah wah. ”
Now she was curious. “And what does it sound like when you are talking to me?”
“Ummm… that’s a trick question isn’t it?”
“I don’t know. Is it?”
He was befuddled for moments, trying to keep up with the conversation. “What? I’m confused. When you talk I listen….usually. But sometimes you wear that strappy little top. You know I love that thing? I like to think about slipping it down your shoulders. And there are those heels of yours.”
She blushed again. This conversation was certainly illuminating. Drunk Oliver was free of inhibitions. And apparently a lot of those had to do with herself. “Alright Romeo that’s enough. It’s good to know that you are mentally undressing me when I’m talking to you.”
“It’s good to know that you think it’s good too.”
She felt her cheeks heat even more. She needed to cut this conversation short as soon as possible. “Why did you call, Oliver?”
“It’s 12 o’clock. I always check in before I go on patrol.”
“But you aren’t going on patrol tonight.” she pointed out somewhat needlessly.
“Yea right. Well then I’ll just tell you that you were missed tonight.” He paused trying to get the room to stop spinning. “I missed you tonight.” He moved his moth away from the phone. “See Carter I can tell people how I feel about them!”
A/N: So someone drunk texted me a couple weeks ago. It was not the first instance of such behaviour from the same guy. But it did inspire me to do this wacky one shot so I’m weirdly grateful. And seriously Fortune just about clinched it for me. So I hope you liked it. Gifts for those who review as always.
Edit: I forgot to credit Susan Elizabeth Phillips. The Fisher Price line was adapted from one of her books, Bet Me.