happy new year friend...
i don't think you quite understand. either that, or you just don't want to understand. perhaps a bit of both. how things change...and are all the same. it went as expected. talked over lunch. it was nice. but no, you don't understand. you can't one day walk balk into my life and leave a letter on the windshield of my car and expect me to forget. you can't apologize and expect for everything to be okay. you can't invite me to lunch, look me in the eyes, tell me about your life, and expect me not to feel. i told you i would have trouble letting go, that it would'nt be easy for me and it can't happen overnight. you can't pretend that we're okay and that things are going to go back to normal. define normal anyways...i understand that i need to move on, and i'm trying to let it go as quick as i can. but this is the first time i've really truly seen you in three months. and then you tell me that the next move is mine...how does that work anyways? did seeing me today make you feel any better? did it relieve you of your guilt, knowing that we're able to sit down for lunch together and it not be awkward? awkward it was not. just difficult. so now you tell me that i must make that call...yet there are still so many things i would rather say in a telephone conversation. no, not rather. would never want to. yeah...i dont think telling you that the moment i walked in on you by my pool on the fourth of july with your girlfriend on your lap and everyone around drunk and happy was probably one of the top 5 most painful moments of my life...would make either one of us feel better. that THAT was the reason why you told me when you did. because she was here. not surprisingly, i think that would make me feel more empty. i would simply LOVE to say that i'm just exaggerating. that i'm being a baby. melodramatic much? i'm sorry. i truly am...i would have just hoped that by three months, it would have died down. just a little bit. and it hasn't...so what does that mean? you can't simply just make the first move, and think we're even. things are not yet okay. i hope one day they will be, but not just yet. the fact of the matter is, i still miss you, and i am still hurt by you.
perhaps a major flaw that i have is that i expect too much of people, as well as myself. i expect too much of myself when it comes to school and my family, i know i do...and when i don't meet those expectations, i'm very hard of myself, and it's hard to let that go. i let the disappointment kill me, hurt me too much. moreso, it distracts me, cripples me even more...well i think i do the same to certain relationships in my life. when i am disappointed by people, i am DISAPPOINTED. yeah...i'm twenty years old, and i suppose it's time that i stop believing in fairytales. that no guy that cares about me would ever hurt me...because that's just not realistic. i have to build my walls even stronger, and hold onto those expectations a little less. perhaps it's not right to expect so much. people aren't flawless, god knows i have many. the hardest thing for me to get over has always been the disappointment. it's a learning process, one that i'm not extremely fond of...and even when i look back on it and i realize this now, i still can't let it go. i'm just not ready. there's no such thing as a happy ending, and you can't get what you want exactly the way you want it.............but i didn't expect anything..........just honesty.....yeah, i'm still confused. i haven't gotten all the thoughts sorted out yet.
you tell me to trust again, that not all guys will do what you did to me...but the fact of the matter is, i just don't believe that anymore. there's always that chance, and that chance is pretty big. the question is if i'm willing to take that risk...it just won't be the same. not for a while. i feel like i've lost something...i've lost a big part of me. maybe ignorance? foolishness i would hope. ignorance is bliss.
i just can't do it...cant be safe, cant be normal, cant forget right now. i'm sorry if this post doesn't quite make sense. it actually doesn't make any sense to me...i think i just needed to get some random thoughts out...
i hope you find your peace.
perhaps a major flaw that i have is that i expect too much of people, as well as myself. i expect too much of myself when it comes to school and my family, i know i do...and when i don't meet those expectations, i'm very hard of myself, and it's hard to let that go. i let the disappointment kill me, hurt me too much. moreso, it distracts me, cripples me even more...well i think i do the same to certain relationships in my life. when i am disappointed by people, i am DISAPPOINTED. yeah...i'm twenty years old, and i suppose it's time that i stop believing in fairytales. that no guy that cares about me would ever hurt me...because that's just not realistic. i have to build my walls even stronger, and hold onto those expectations a little less. perhaps it's not right to expect so much. people aren't flawless, god knows i have many. the hardest thing for me to get over has always been the disappointment. it's a learning process, one that i'm not extremely fond of...and even when i look back on it and i realize this now, i still can't let it go. i'm just not ready. there's no such thing as a happy ending, and you can't get what you want exactly the way you want it.............but i didn't expect anything..........just honesty.....yeah, i'm still confused. i haven't gotten all the thoughts sorted out yet.
you tell me to trust again, that not all guys will do what you did to me...but the fact of the matter is, i just don't believe that anymore. there's always that chance, and that chance is pretty big. the question is if i'm willing to take that risk...it just won't be the same. not for a while. i feel like i've lost something...i've lost a big part of me. maybe ignorance? foolishness i would hope. ignorance is bliss.
i just can't do it...cant be safe, cant be normal, cant forget right now. i'm sorry if this post doesn't quite make sense. it actually doesn't make any sense to me...i think i just needed to get some random thoughts out...
i hope you find your peace.