Somewhere in-between
I find it eerie reading these old journal entries. Eight years later I realize I've been living a lie. I'm still that lost 16 year old. I thought a good job a new state and a new style could help me find happiness. Truth is I'm still lost and a little empty. Truth is i am on heart medication for chest palps n pain and im scared. Truth is i still hate my body. Truth is I still have drug dependency issues I've been fighting although I am sober if u don't count pot ;) I haven't had a drink in a year. Truth is I'm not sure if I'll ever figure out who I am. I've been In abusive relationships. I have trust issues. I am never satisfied. I am angry underneath my cool carefree appearance. I have no goals. Is this what defines who we are? I'd like to be all the things I pretend to be. And I just don't think antidepressants can bury all these old skeletons in my closet. So where to now? I'd like to just say fuck it and go live I'n the woods. But I can't. I have a wonderful fiancé whp would do anything just to see me smile .. but I do not dare to let him In on my maddness. I know one thing though. Leaving Lockport was an excellent decision. Im tired of faking it. I'm gonna be me this weekend whoever I am and well see where that goes. Maybe I'll find an answer underneath it all. Who am i? How can I make my life better? Maybe I'll set some goals. But it'd all be pretend anyways cause I can't seem to shake this feeling it's been stuck to the bottom of my shoe since leaving 9th per studyhall. Wondering where everyone went as I awoke from my drug induced slumber in 2005. I've tried having a burning. I've tried meditation. I've tried change. What is it gonna take to clear the frost from my ice cold eyes. Im told I have beautiful eyes. But if you really look hard enough maybe you'd realize I'm not who I pretend to be. It's 3:30 am. I am awake. Ambien don't do shit. I guess I'll sum it up and call it a night. I found my prince charming but when the fuck is the happily ever after going to kick in.