numb
I purged all day today.
5 times in total.
Twice in the morning, twice around noon, once in the evening.
I didn't keep anything in at all.
I can not tell you what the things I ate tasted like. I can't even remember what it was that I ate.
This morning I made this lemonade - water, juice of lemon or lime, some maple syrup and chayenne pepper if you like, and my mother had asked me yesterday evening if I couldn't make it with grapefruit juice as well, cause we still have so many grapefruits.
So I cut one in half, juiced one half and then stared at the other half for ages, unable to make myself eat it.
Half a grapefruit. Maybe 40 cals.
I couldn't eat it.
I didn't WANT it and I couldn't be sensible.
I remember when I was obsessed with eating very healthy AND eating few cals at the same time.
On the days I would eat (the days I wasn't deliberately starving myself) , but I would make sure it was perfectly healthy and that I stayed under 500-800 cals.
But now?
I've completely lost all my apettite, my hunger, my sensible side...
And then I feel this numbness, this emptiness inside of me (or rather, I don't feel it, cause it's numb and empty)
I can't tell how I feel today. Am i happy, am I sad? Am I frustrated or angry or excited?
I don't know, I am just numb and empty.
And then I think I just can't control this.
I used to cut, but cutting has long since stopped actually working for me, so I just purge.
Maybe I purge to visualise for myself just how empty I am?
Maybe I purge to make me feel? Something. Anything.
This is so NOT about weight, seriously, sometimes I wish all these wannarexics could just spend one day as me, or as anyone else in my position.
Now my chest and upper back hurts, my stomach hurts, I have bleeding sores in my mouth and my fingers smell of vomit, no matter how often i was my hands, my stomach is growling and grumbling and I have a kind of stabbing pain in my gut.
But actually, I can't feel it at all.