it's been a long while. and damn that school.
i haven’t written much. everyone writes about their first days at school, in a new city, dorm rooms and such... yet im still here- still stuck at the home because there is no way in hell my family can afford to pay ANY money needed for college- and so the 5th year at challenge it is. graduate with 78 credits if challenge will let me. pretty good i guess.
It seams some have become more fashion forward, and while i was in the beginning i guess- my suit jackets and button up shirts and all- now i cant pry myself to wear anything that remotely fits. im just so...disgusted with my body/ nothing i have fits. yet still i have a million pics saved on my computer of shirts and pants and shorts and even dresses (yes dresses, ive been dying for a nice little summer dress for two years now, but still dont own one that doesnt need serious tailoring.); maybe its just casue im tired, and i have to get use to what the people at different campuses and teachers feel about peoples clothing choice- youd be extremeley suprised how it effects peoples opinion of you. especially at college.
i havent been doing too good actually. sense school actauly started my mind has been ben spinning again- and going back to old familiar habits.; havent wanted to cut though, not in forever it seams- i think about it, but really figure meh ill get drunk instead. but at the same time ive havent drank much. the wine is really bad, the rum is being watched and has about one shot left, and the vodka was taken away years ago. ahh- only if i had my own stash again. really have been waiting vodka recently. really badly. even after i feel good i just think damn i want a screwdriver. or just something to make that feeling last a bit longer- or get a bit stronger. i dont know.but im keeping myself from doing anything, who ever thought i would actualy have self restraint.
ive been rather depressed lately- in a very manic way- ill just blame hormones and hope im right. i cant deal with any prescription changes, and i dont want my adarall taken away. it helps me soooo much.
ive been working out everyday after school. i spent a couple of weeks fixing the excerise machine and killing wasps. still weigh the same, but ive noticed the muscle tbeing tonned. still not happy though. fell even worse once that high of endorphins being released into my body wears off. like i should be running at night and counting every calorie. but i dont want to. i dont have the energy. and my mom is home and watches me like a hawk.
i miss talking to people. really, i dont talk to anyone anymore. travis about rather mundane things and renee rarley about drama related things in her life. and thats it. i dotn know anynone all that well at challenge, and the ones i did talk to i dont ever see.
Tool is on monday and it seams i will be going alone.
im done for the moment. expect more tomorrow or the day after.
It seams some have become more fashion forward, and while i was in the beginning i guess- my suit jackets and button up shirts and all- now i cant pry myself to wear anything that remotely fits. im just so...disgusted with my body/ nothing i have fits. yet still i have a million pics saved on my computer of shirts and pants and shorts and even dresses (yes dresses, ive been dying for a nice little summer dress for two years now, but still dont own one that doesnt need serious tailoring.); maybe its just casue im tired, and i have to get use to what the people at different campuses and teachers feel about peoples clothing choice- youd be extremeley suprised how it effects peoples opinion of you. especially at college.
i havent been doing too good actually. sense school actauly started my mind has been ben spinning again- and going back to old familiar habits.; havent wanted to cut though, not in forever it seams- i think about it, but really figure meh ill get drunk instead. but at the same time ive havent drank much. the wine is really bad, the rum is being watched and has about one shot left, and the vodka was taken away years ago. ahh- only if i had my own stash again. really have been waiting vodka recently. really badly. even after i feel good i just think damn i want a screwdriver. or just something to make that feeling last a bit longer- or get a bit stronger. i dont know.but im keeping myself from doing anything, who ever thought i would actualy have self restraint.
ive been rather depressed lately- in a very manic way- ill just blame hormones and hope im right. i cant deal with any prescription changes, and i dont want my adarall taken away. it helps me soooo much.
ive been working out everyday after school. i spent a couple of weeks fixing the excerise machine and killing wasps. still weigh the same, but ive noticed the muscle tbeing tonned. still not happy though. fell even worse once that high of endorphins being released into my body wears off. like i should be running at night and counting every calorie. but i dont want to. i dont have the energy. and my mom is home and watches me like a hawk.
i miss talking to people. really, i dont talk to anyone anymore. travis about rather mundane things and renee rarley about drama related things in her life. and thats it. i dotn know anynone all that well at challenge, and the ones i did talk to i dont ever see.
Tool is on monday and it seams i will be going alone.
im done for the moment. expect more tomorrow or the day after.