god im add. cant even talk about one thing....
dillenger and dysrhymthia show tongiht. was realy fucking good.
and i realized- for the 2nd time- that im not a jelous girlfriend. im not crazy, what i see and think and what bothers me -o other ppl see and think its odd too. So thats always nice to know. And it's not jsut in a girls mind either, so i let that off my mind. when guys say wtf then you know your ok. and sadly enough thats reassuring to me. despite that the issue at hand still stands. but there isnothing i can really to do to stop that. just got to hold it in-becasue i thought i was being paranoid and it turns out i was actually be realistic. he was being oblivious.
you know what im talking about? maybe renee' does.
guys that cheat suck ass. and no travis didnt cheat on me- hes not that kind of guy. im just putting that statement out there. for a reminder to people and more myself.
i ahvent written about la or san fransisco but i dont know if i ever will. ive kind of forgotten all the intense moments of the trip, and therefor cant think of much to write taht would actually be interesting.
for my brithday i want someone to go to tool with me. its on sep. 11. anyone? anyone?
i am completly sick of school. i dont know how long i can put up with mindless shit day after day (fucking day...the great decay. - damn that tim cashier)
real writers dont think aobut eery sentence that they write- they just write. and therefor i dont like thinking of what a sriter is trying to think and why they said something- becasue i dont belive they took that much time into constructing that sentence. fuck englsih. and yes i did just say/ type that. college english is completly diffrent from highschool english- beware. i want that one thing of highschool back. and i dont like being straight forward, wheres the fun in that- especially when your writing. or hell even when you have to ready the damn thing. i like color and some bit of creativity- so im screwed basicly. and makes me think many of my friends might end up screwed too. damn this english thing.
damn this rochelle thing.
and the missing travis SO much and its only been 2 weeks.
and being poor.
and not knowing what will happen next.
and going back up to 115 pounds
and my mother taking too many tyelnonl and me having to say i know whats ses feeling, and it will last days, dont take any more meds- eat bread. try to force yourself to throw up. dont expect to sleep. dont drive. the things you are imagininly are NOT real. its just in your head. you will be paranoid, and will be dillusional- so ill just say that yes, someone is after you. and that look from her like "huh- how would you know?- and we all its because ive done rather unintelligent things to numb myself. and when i was sick and had the flu it was because id taken too many tyenlol 24 hour sinus pills mixed with antidepressents and perscription pain killers, and whatever other pills i thought lookd pretty. the good old days huh? the days and weeks and months and years that i just wanted to sleep forver. never have to wake up. nothing could stop the pain for long enough. and look- ha it only 3 doctosr si realize i just needed some speed and some antidepressents. i wonder what i would be today if i had not been in such anguish for thoes years. i think about it all the time. i wouldnt be me. i wouldnt write or srelyon lmusic in the way i do. or art. id prob be more of the prep that wants the nice clothes to wear and sketches dresses designs and outfits in a notebook. and while i do that now, i still do other things.
damn this insolmnia. because of the adarall.
damn this ache in back that wont go away.
damn the satisfaction that my stomach has becasue ive eaten 3 meals today.
damn people that dont understand depression. and antisocial behaviors. its not something you can contol. so stop trying to tell me to stop. because it cant, not that easy. ive been trying for years...really years. and im still trying and i o have my good days. but i have my bad ones. and there is nothing anyone can do about that. get over it. i need to get over it.
damn the slight ringing in my ears from the concert
damn this night with its quiet breeze.
sigh....i think this is it for now
and i realized- for the 2nd time- that im not a jelous girlfriend. im not crazy, what i see and think and what bothers me -o other ppl see and think its odd too. So thats always nice to know. And it's not jsut in a girls mind either, so i let that off my mind. when guys say wtf then you know your ok. and sadly enough thats reassuring to me. despite that the issue at hand still stands. but there isnothing i can really to do to stop that. just got to hold it in-becasue i thought i was being paranoid and it turns out i was actually be realistic. he was being oblivious.
you know what im talking about? maybe renee' does.
guys that cheat suck ass. and no travis didnt cheat on me- hes not that kind of guy. im just putting that statement out there. for a reminder to people and more myself.
i ahvent written about la or san fransisco but i dont know if i ever will. ive kind of forgotten all the intense moments of the trip, and therefor cant think of much to write taht would actually be interesting.
for my brithday i want someone to go to tool with me. its on sep. 11. anyone? anyone?
i am completly sick of school. i dont know how long i can put up with mindless shit day after day (fucking day...the great decay. - damn that tim cashier)
real writers dont think aobut eery sentence that they write- they just write. and therefor i dont like thinking of what a sriter is trying to think and why they said something- becasue i dont belive they took that much time into constructing that sentence. fuck englsih. and yes i did just say/ type that. college english is completly diffrent from highschool english- beware. i want that one thing of highschool back. and i dont like being straight forward, wheres the fun in that- especially when your writing. or hell even when you have to ready the damn thing. i like color and some bit of creativity- so im screwed basicly. and makes me think many of my friends might end up screwed too. damn this english thing.
damn this rochelle thing.
and the missing travis SO much and its only been 2 weeks.
and being poor.
and not knowing what will happen next.
and going back up to 115 pounds
and my mother taking too many tyelnonl and me having to say i know whats ses feeling, and it will last days, dont take any more meds- eat bread. try to force yourself to throw up. dont expect to sleep. dont drive. the things you are imagininly are NOT real. its just in your head. you will be paranoid, and will be dillusional- so ill just say that yes, someone is after you. and that look from her like "huh- how would you know?- and we all its because ive done rather unintelligent things to numb myself. and when i was sick and had the flu it was because id taken too many tyenlol 24 hour sinus pills mixed with antidepressents and perscription pain killers, and whatever other pills i thought lookd pretty. the good old days huh? the days and weeks and months and years that i just wanted to sleep forver. never have to wake up. nothing could stop the pain for long enough. and look- ha it only 3 doctosr si realize i just needed some speed and some antidepressents. i wonder what i would be today if i had not been in such anguish for thoes years. i think about it all the time. i wouldnt be me. i wouldnt write or srelyon lmusic in the way i do. or art. id prob be more of the prep that wants the nice clothes to wear and sketches dresses designs and outfits in a notebook. and while i do that now, i still do other things.
damn this insolmnia. because of the adarall.
damn this ache in back that wont go away.
damn the satisfaction that my stomach has becasue ive eaten 3 meals today.
damn people that dont understand depression. and antisocial behaviors. its not something you can contol. so stop trying to tell me to stop. because it cant, not that easy. ive been trying for years...really years. and im still trying and i o have my good days. but i have my bad ones. and there is nothing anyone can do about that. get over it. i need to get over it.
damn the slight ringing in my ears from the concert
damn this night with its quiet breeze.
sigh....i think this is it for now