I've had the unfortunate opportunity of working with a variety of inept employees, from personal hygiene issues to being unable to follow simple directions. Therefore, from now on anyone who comes into my employ shall be forced to sign the below document. Failure to do so will of course result in a nice, clean evisceration.
By signing below you agree to the following:
1. I obtain 39% of all earnings for every job you undertake.
1a. It does not matter if I have found you said job or not.
1b. Failure to impart my proceeds within two weeks will result in the forfeit of your life.
1c. Failure to inform me of any contracts I have not supplied you within three days of receiving them will result in the forfeit of your life.
2. If you annoy me this will result in the forfeit of your life.
2a. I am the only person who can define what is annoying.
2b. This definition can change daily.
2c. Personal hygiene is a pet peeve. Keep yourself clean.
2d. A bath every other month does not equal cleanliness.
3. If you anger me this will result in the forfeit of your life.
4. Damage to my property will result in my obtaining any and all earnings to pay for repairs.
4a. This includes damage done to homes, cars, planes, children, animals, clothes, shoes, purses, socks, and anything else I deem mine.
4b. Only I can put a value on these items
5. Comment about my supposed relationship with Magneto in alternate verses and you shall forfeit your life.
5a. This also applies to any supposed relationship with Charles Xavier.
6. Discuss my previous relationship with Sabertooth and you shall endure a litany of punishments.
6a. Persist in this and it may result in the forfeit of your life.
7. Touch my daughter and you forfeit your life.
8. Look at my daughter and you forfeit your life.
9. Say one demeaning word about my daughter and you forfeit your life.
10. I reserve the right to add to this list at any point in time.