Lousy Day
Ah, this has been a rough day. I woke to find a message from Kev stating that his present still had yet to arrive and it was looking more and more like it wouldn't be there in time for his birthday on Saturday. Tomorrow is a postal strike so it's highly doubtful that he'd receive it then. And as he'll be out of town for the weekend, he'll not get it at all (should it by some miracle arrive on Saturday anyway) until his return. This helped in setting the tone for my day in that on top of everything and everyone I felt utterly alone and isolated. All I wanted to do was alternate between crying and ranting. I already miss him and he's not even left yet. And the thing is, I want him to go and to have a good time, it's just a part of me is very distressed as I wanted so much to be there with him this year to celebrate. I think that's what's killing more than anything right now. I wanted so much to be there with him to celebrate his birthday in such a manner as I think he should become accostumed. But I've made many mistakes and I'm sure to make many more before all is said and done.
This afternoon things had been going better until he came online and then my desire for sleep began to overwhelm me. The fact that when Kev came online coupled with how little he did in the way of talking to me didn't really help matters in the least. Though I struggled to get and remain in a good mood, I decided I couldn't just sit at the computer doing nothing more than wait ages for him to reply. I told him I'd catch him back on the flipside, our code for my being on the mobile. The switch to the mobile killed the mood that had been developing (the playful/cyber mood) and dropped me further into depression. His replies came no quicker than before though he said his comp was no longer lagging due to what he was doing. We add the fact that he seemed (in my opinion anyway) to be spending far more time with Liz than with me and all I could do was lay on the bed and cry. I was torn between the desire to get on IMVU and try and recapture the mood and just laying there and crying. Remaining on the bed and crying was the option I chose. When it grew late and I assumed the lag was now due to tiredness, he told me instead that he was waiting on a d/l from Liz. I wished him good night and sweet dreams to which he replied, "not yet, you still have me for a little while." Did I? Did I really? He wasn't talking to me? He was using monosyllabic noises (or what passes for sound in IM) and I felt alone. I replied with something to the effect that I didn't have him as he wasn't really talking to me and he seemed to become cross with me. Perhaps rightly so. I try not to be a high maintainance girl, but I admit that there are days when I am. Pure and simple I don't wish to be ignored. If you are talking to me, I want to be spoken to using complete sentences. I would've even settled for fragments but the only complete sentences invovled Liz. I love her, really I do, but I find it difficult to deal with her and my jealousy when I feel this way. So he bade me good night and signed off. Of course, he couldn't ring me due to the fact that he has no more credit for his phone.
And all I could think about all night long is the way I spoke to him last. Was that the way I really wanted to end his night? Gods forbid that anything should happen to either one of us between then and the time we next were to speak. I'd hate myself because I was being such a bitch. I hope I can do a better job of wishing him well today. I think this is likely to be the last time I speak to him this weekend. Though I believe he'll ring me for at least a little bit on his birthday. All I want to do though is curl up in a ball and cry.
This afternoon things had been going better until he came online and then my desire for sleep began to overwhelm me. The fact that when Kev came online coupled with how little he did in the way of talking to me didn't really help matters in the least. Though I struggled to get and remain in a good mood, I decided I couldn't just sit at the computer doing nothing more than wait ages for him to reply. I told him I'd catch him back on the flipside, our code for my being on the mobile. The switch to the mobile killed the mood that had been developing (the playful/cyber mood) and dropped me further into depression. His replies came no quicker than before though he said his comp was no longer lagging due to what he was doing. We add the fact that he seemed (in my opinion anyway) to be spending far more time with Liz than with me and all I could do was lay on the bed and cry. I was torn between the desire to get on IMVU and try and recapture the mood and just laying there and crying. Remaining on the bed and crying was the option I chose. When it grew late and I assumed the lag was now due to tiredness, he told me instead that he was waiting on a d/l from Liz. I wished him good night and sweet dreams to which he replied, "not yet, you still have me for a little while." Did I? Did I really? He wasn't talking to me? He was using monosyllabic noises (or what passes for sound in IM) and I felt alone. I replied with something to the effect that I didn't have him as he wasn't really talking to me and he seemed to become cross with me. Perhaps rightly so. I try not to be a high maintainance girl, but I admit that there are days when I am. Pure and simple I don't wish to be ignored. If you are talking to me, I want to be spoken to using complete sentences. I would've even settled for fragments but the only complete sentences invovled Liz. I love her, really I do, but I find it difficult to deal with her and my jealousy when I feel this way. So he bade me good night and signed off. Of course, he couldn't ring me due to the fact that he has no more credit for his phone.
And all I could think about all night long is the way I spoke to him last. Was that the way I really wanted to end his night? Gods forbid that anything should happen to either one of us between then and the time we next were to speak. I'd hate myself because I was being such a bitch. I hope I can do a better job of wishing him well today. I think this is likely to be the last time I speak to him this weekend. Though I believe he'll ring me for at least a little bit on his birthday. All I want to do though is curl up in a ball and cry.