(no subject)
I don't feel alive today. I'm so tired, and frustrated with this "family" situation. I really don't feel like anyone gives a shit that I'm having another kid accept me. My parents are leaving a month before he's born, Anton's parents talk shit about us having a kid out of wedlock, and I'm half a state away from the one friend that I feel cares about me... (I'm still thankful you're here for me at all, Stephanie.)
I feel hollow. Like no matter how much I want things to be a certain way, they're just never going to fall into place. Every time I think about the fact that Anton promised me that we would be engaged before the baby comes- and the fact that he has made absolutely no effort to ask me- my bones feel like they're made of glass, and could collapse at any second. In fact any time I think about our engagement, and that it hasn't happened yet it makes me feel that way.
I can't push anything, or lead anything into the direction that I want it to go. I think I'm going to cancel the baby shower. I didn't want it in the first place, and no plans have been made so it won't be hard to just tell people that it's been cancelled. It's making me feel more like crap, and I think baby showers are meant to make you feel special. I feel strong armed into it, not special.
I wish I could just leave.
I feel hollow. Like no matter how much I want things to be a certain way, they're just never going to fall into place. Every time I think about the fact that Anton promised me that we would be engaged before the baby comes- and the fact that he has made absolutely no effort to ask me- my bones feel like they're made of glass, and could collapse at any second. In fact any time I think about our engagement, and that it hasn't happened yet it makes me feel that way.
I can't push anything, or lead anything into the direction that I want it to go. I think I'm going to cancel the baby shower. I didn't want it in the first place, and no plans have been made so it won't be hard to just tell people that it's been cancelled. It's making me feel more like crap, and I think baby showers are meant to make you feel special. I feel strong armed into it, not special.
I wish I could just leave.