I'm Starting To Feel the Knife He Left In My Heart
So, my friend from England that I've known for 7 years finally came over to the States. I was so excited because 3 years ago we realized it wasn't just a friendship anymore. We'd started to share something deeper. We were both elated to finally come together and for the first couple of days, it was awesome! I stayed the night with him for the first time that Monday night. (He'd gotten in on Saturday.)
Then on Tuesday morning, he mentioned that it was a bit awkward because he thought I was dating my friend Ryan. It really upset me, so I talked to him about it and explained that I wasn't dating Ryan. We're just friends. And I don't want Ryan like I wanted him. I thought he understood and was over it when I left for work. He ended up spending the day with the chick that introduced us, Stephanie. Well, when she introduced us, they were sort of an item. I've always thought she wasn't over him, but I've never really viewed her as a threat since he hardly ever talked to her anymore. By her choice.
So, I come back from work and he's back from spending the day with her, and he's suddenly colder than a dead fish towards me. (Guess what I'm thinking now.) I stayed with him that night and this time, he wouldn't hold me, wouldn't touch me, nothing! I was really upset, so I got up in the middle of the night and left. The next day after work, I went back to his hotel and he said that he was really upset that I had been with Ryan and that I told him about it and I wouldn't stop talking about Ryan. I said that I thought I'd made it clear that Ryan and I are just friends and that he's one of my best friends. We spend pretty much every weekend together, so what other stories would I have to tell him that DIDN'T involve Ryan. He said he just needed some time, so I backed off.
And it seemed to get worse. So, I thought it would be a good idea if he met Ryan and saw that we're just friends and how cool of a guy Ryan is. We went out that Friday night and I thought he had a lot of fun, but according to him, "it was ass". I apologized and said I was only trying to make things better. That Saturday, we stayed at my house and watched movies. I ended up falling asleep and I turned over and ended up curled up on his arm. We went to a friend of mine's play that night and I told another friend of mine how upset I was. She said that I should clear the air and get everything out in the open. So, I did. I told him that I loved him, not Ryan, and that if he wanted me to stop seeing Ryan all together, I would. That if he wanted me to pick up my life and move to England, I would. Because I was in love him. He said he just wanted to be friends because he didn't want to be with someone who didn't think. He said I never once thought about what he was feeling when I talked about Ryan. That's when I got mad and told him he had no right to tell me how to live my life and that I was under the impression that he had Allison over in England, so he couldn't talk to me about Ryan.
So, after crying to my mom till about 2 in the morning, I decided that if friends was all he wanted to be, then it was better than not having him in my life at all. So, I spent the next week walking a tight rope trying to be his friend and nothing more. We went to DC Thursday and the hotel we stayed at gave us free drinks. Then we went to the Hard Rock to celebrate my birthday and of course we had more to drink. I stopped after six drinks, but we got back to the hotel and he cracked open a bottle of wine and sucked that down. We watched Pineapple Express on the PPV and he pulled me to him and held me through the movie. After it was over, I asked what he was thinking. He said that he loved me and he was sorry he'd been such a dick and that he couldn't leave without me knowing that. Then we started to "play".
The next morning, he conveniently didn't remember any of it and didn't believe me when I told him. So, I spent the next two days being REALLY pissed off and confused. We went to this huge outlet mall outside of DC the day he was leaving. About 2 hours before he was supposed to be at the airport, he got bored and said he wanted to go to the airport. I told him that I didn't have the money to just let my car sit in the airport parking lot for 3 hours. I needed money for gas to get home. He said whatever, got out, and left. I asked him to call me or text me when he landed so I would know he's ok.
That was on November 22nd (Ville's birthday!) and I haven't heard from him since. I've spent the last week and a half being pissed and now it's sinking in how much it hurts to not have him talking to me. But then I'm still pissed because of, well, everything! This really sucks and I haven't been this hurt and confused since I broke it off with my ex-fiance. *sigh*
Then on Tuesday morning, he mentioned that it was a bit awkward because he thought I was dating my friend Ryan. It really upset me, so I talked to him about it and explained that I wasn't dating Ryan. We're just friends. And I don't want Ryan like I wanted him. I thought he understood and was over it when I left for work. He ended up spending the day with the chick that introduced us, Stephanie. Well, when she introduced us, they were sort of an item. I've always thought she wasn't over him, but I've never really viewed her as a threat since he hardly ever talked to her anymore. By her choice.
So, I come back from work and he's back from spending the day with her, and he's suddenly colder than a dead fish towards me. (Guess what I'm thinking now.) I stayed with him that night and this time, he wouldn't hold me, wouldn't touch me, nothing! I was really upset, so I got up in the middle of the night and left. The next day after work, I went back to his hotel and he said that he was really upset that I had been with Ryan and that I told him about it and I wouldn't stop talking about Ryan. I said that I thought I'd made it clear that Ryan and I are just friends and that he's one of my best friends. We spend pretty much every weekend together, so what other stories would I have to tell him that DIDN'T involve Ryan. He said he just needed some time, so I backed off.
And it seemed to get worse. So, I thought it would be a good idea if he met Ryan and saw that we're just friends and how cool of a guy Ryan is. We went out that Friday night and I thought he had a lot of fun, but according to him, "it was ass". I apologized and said I was only trying to make things better. That Saturday, we stayed at my house and watched movies. I ended up falling asleep and I turned over and ended up curled up on his arm. We went to a friend of mine's play that night and I told another friend of mine how upset I was. She said that I should clear the air and get everything out in the open. So, I did. I told him that I loved him, not Ryan, and that if he wanted me to stop seeing Ryan all together, I would. That if he wanted me to pick up my life and move to England, I would. Because I was in love him. He said he just wanted to be friends because he didn't want to be with someone who didn't think. He said I never once thought about what he was feeling when I talked about Ryan. That's when I got mad and told him he had no right to tell me how to live my life and that I was under the impression that he had Allison over in England, so he couldn't talk to me about Ryan.
So, after crying to my mom till about 2 in the morning, I decided that if friends was all he wanted to be, then it was better than not having him in my life at all. So, I spent the next week walking a tight rope trying to be his friend and nothing more. We went to DC Thursday and the hotel we stayed at gave us free drinks. Then we went to the Hard Rock to celebrate my birthday and of course we had more to drink. I stopped after six drinks, but we got back to the hotel and he cracked open a bottle of wine and sucked that down. We watched Pineapple Express on the PPV and he pulled me to him and held me through the movie. After it was over, I asked what he was thinking. He said that he loved me and he was sorry he'd been such a dick and that he couldn't leave without me knowing that. Then we started to "play".
The next morning, he conveniently didn't remember any of it and didn't believe me when I told him. So, I spent the next two days being REALLY pissed off and confused. We went to this huge outlet mall outside of DC the day he was leaving. About 2 hours before he was supposed to be at the airport, he got bored and said he wanted to go to the airport. I told him that I didn't have the money to just let my car sit in the airport parking lot for 3 hours. I needed money for gas to get home. He said whatever, got out, and left. I asked him to call me or text me when he landed so I would know he's ok.
That was on November 22nd (Ville's birthday!) and I haven't heard from him since. I've spent the last week and a half being pissed and now it's sinking in how much it hurts to not have him talking to me. But then I'm still pissed because of, well, everything! This really sucks and I haven't been this hurt and confused since I broke it off with my ex-fiance. *sigh*