Curse
Title: Curse
Chapters: Oneshot
Author: mypaperdoll1611
Genre: Yaoi, Slice of Life
Warnings: Suspense?
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: ReitaxRuki (main), AoixUruha, RukixUruha (one-sided)
Band: the GazettE
Summary: Why is it that people only realize things after it’s already too late? One’s time in life is under the control of God. He was neither happy nor sad. Life’s true joys and sorrows were just passing him by. At that time, he was still… Yes, he can say this only now. It was then that his life had started, when the biological clock in his body started ticking.
Disclaimer: Do you honestly think this is needed to be answered?
Comments: My first fic this vacation. Hope you'll like it! Won't you comment to cheer me up?
We are all dying from the moment we are born. The abyss between life and death is narrower than the 50 cm width of a fence, the instant that you jump across it it’s like a shooting star falling though a crack of a building. He is neither happy nor unhappy. He is only going through the motions of life. Those who do not appreciate life will someday suffer dearly for it. Until then, he was just an idle spectator of his own life. That’s maybe why he was chosen by fate.
“Aoi, you shouldn’t scold Ruki that much. Your brother needs some break once in a while too. He’s been in the show business for years,” Uruha put down the hotcakes at the table and sweetly hugged his honey sitting and waiting for his breakfast.
“Don’t spoil him that much! I am older and I have my own opinions. I don’t think quitting right now is a good idea. What the fuck is tiring about singing and singing? He’s been living a comfortable life, isn’t he? Compare to those farmers and construction workers…”
“Aoi, there’s more of it than what you think…” Uruha tried to calm Aoi.
“Uruha-niisan, it’s enough,” Ruki stood up and went out the kitchen. He grabbed his jacket and wore his shoes, big lenses and a scarf to cover his face. Well, it’s not like someone would recognize him without his make up, it’s just to cover his swollen eyes and bruises made by his older brother.
“Ruki,” Uruha ran to stop him. “Where are you going? It’s cold outside and…” he was shocked that just after a few seconds he found himself pinned against a wall with Ruki’s lips locked into his.
“It’s cruel. Your kindness is so cruel. Why do you have to be like that? Why do you care for me more than my own family? It’s painful, really painful. Don’t make me love you more than what it is right now. You love him, don’t you? That’s why don’t give me any reason to steal you away from him.”
“Ruki… I care for you like how Aoi does. Please understand your brother.”
“Thank you,” Ruki let go of him. He opened the door and saw how hard it was snowing. “Thank you but it’s enough. Goodbye.” He turned back and saw his brother’s eyes glaring at him. He probably saw him kissing his lover. Uruha was wrong. No one really cared for Ruki except him.
Ruki met Uruha when he was on high school. His parents hired a private tutor for him. Aoi recommended Uruha but little that he knew that they were lovers. It’s not like it’s something Aoi could brag considering that their parents expect too much from him, a little too much than what they expect from Ruki. He’s not that stupid on academics or on sports. Ruki’s just a timid one who doesn’t do anything without a reason. It’s not that he doesn’t have, he just couldn’t find one not until he met his tutor who taught him more than how to raise his grades but more about life.
“It’s real! It’s not just a crush or something. I really love Uruha-sensei. Please consider me as a lover.”
“You see… Ruki-kun… I’m a bit older than you and…”
“Since I was a kid, everyone likes Aoi-niisan more. I am always worthless compared to him and some people just care for me because I am his brother but Uruha-sensei… Uruha-sensei understands me. I can tell you my feelings and you won’t laugh at it no matter how childish it may seem. You nursed me when I am sick. You cried for me when I ran away from home. You like me but not because of Aoi-niisan, right? You don’t show any affection to him. You even call him stupid and worthless…”
“Uruha, do you see my reference material for the…” Aoi suddenly entered the room.
“Get out! Aoi, get out! We’re talking some serious stuff here!” Uruha yelled.
“Okay, okay. You should at least speak to me kindly, considering I am your…” Aoi sighed and closed the door.
“Ruki, I’m sorry,” Uruha cupped the other’s face. “I, with regards to Ruki-kun, I really like you… as a younger brother. I’m sorry if I couldn’t return your feelings the way you want me to. And I…” Ruki saw the ring hanged on the silver necklace on Uruha’s chest. “I am engaged with your brother.”
“Liar…” Ruki ran away.
“Ruki…” Uruha tried to stop him but Aoi suddenly grabbed his arm.
“What’s with that?” Aoi was furious.
“Ruki is just lonely. He is very… very… 「lonely.」
Ruki was lying on an empty school’s rooftop with his arms covering his eyes. It surely ended terribly. His first love was never really sweet and it won’t for the succeeding for his clock was already ticking. He didn’t really want to give up singing but what else he could do when he knew he was about to die. The envelope on his hand sentenced him to death. He has an Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, a disease he got from having sex with a fan of him, a fan he really never treasured.
“I’m sorry Ruki! I didn’t know! If you’ll ask me, I’ll cut myself open. I’m going to bleed until there’s nothing of me left. Please don’t hate me,” the girl pleaded.
“Hmmm… That’s no good,” Ruki stood up and embraced his fan, leading her to the edge of the building. “Cutting yourself won’t be enough to kill you. Why don’t you try jumping? Can you do it?” Ruki has the eyes of a devil.
“But… I…” she cried. “I… I can’t do it. I’m scared. Ruki, I’m scared!”
“I understand. Don’t show your filthy face on me again. You ruined everything! Singing is the only thing for me but you destroyed it! Nothing is left even Uruha…” Ruki distanced himself. He’s still smiling with deadly eyes.
“Ruki, please don’t hate me…” the girl turned back and saw herself falling. Right, Ruki pushed him. He mercilessly smiled and pushed her.
“Die,” the last word that she heard.
“I always think that Ruki’s lonely but I was wrong. Ruki chose to be miserable that’s why you don’t know how to love with all your heart. You won’t know the feeling of loving that’s why… Ruki won’t be happy. It’s my curse to you.”
He watched her body crushed into the ground. Blood were shattered into the white snow. Ruki looked at his hands. He was trembling. He just killed a person, didn’t he? He turned back and went off from the school grounds. Tomorrow, it’ll be surely on the news. No one will know. It would be written as a suicide. The famous singer will held no responsible for the said event.
He was walking unconsciously when a strange man accidentally hit his shoulder. He fell into the ground like a piece of leaf without any trace of strength. He just fell like he was nothing.
“Ru… Ruki?” the stranger helped Ruki to stand up.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Eh? You don’t remember? I played the bass once when you sang at Yokohama. Eh… I guess… I’m not the type of person you’ll remember, isn’t it? Ah, I’m Reita and I’m a fan of yours.”
“A fan huh…” Ruki removed the snow on his coat before looking at the other closely, “Ah! You’re the noseband dude!”
“That’s terrible Ruki-kun, how dare you call me like that…”
“Stop that! That name, only one person could call me like that…”
“Ah, I see, don’t be angry. So where are you heading too? I could give you a ride if you want.”
“I…”
He couldn’t answer for he just lost a place he could call home. It’s not like he has grown attached to it. It’s just a place where he could sleep at the very least. It’s where he takes his shower and eats his breakfast. It’s not like he has a family there but at least there’s someone who would welcome him but not anymore. Uruha won’t welcome him, not anymore…
“Hotel, can you at least take me to a hotel? I’ll pay you once I withdrawn some cash.”
“Yeah sure, but you don’t have to pay me. It’s a pleasure to serve my god,” Reita laughed. “That’s what other fans used to call you, right?”
“Stupid,” Ruki hopped on Reita’s car. “God don’t let others suffer but I just did. He’s kind and loving. He gives life but doesn’t kill, that’s why God has forsaken me.”
Ruki saw himself to an awesome furnished room. He loved the design, the color, and the wine counter. It’s totally stylish just what he expected from a famous bassist. He found some instruments lined up into a wall, some pictures, and a wide screen TV.
“Sorry for being a game maniac!” Reita smiled and started to clean the CDs.
“I told you to bring me into a hotel but I didn’t say to your room…” Ruki sat down feeling comfortable to the soft sofa.
“It’s no good?” Reita trailed the other’s lips. “Am I… no good?”
“Fuck!” Ruki pushed him, making the other’s body swept the floor. “Sex, huh? Man, you don’t know anything!”
“I am Akira, your runaway mate on high school. I’m the unreliable person who promised to protect you but couldn’t do anything when your brother took you away and hurt you. I am Reita, the bassist of a support band who you could at least care of. Meeting you again on such stage doesn’t help at all. I’m almost drowning into love that I couldn’t bear. I am me who loves you through the years…”
“Don’t screw with me!” Ruki laughed. “Such a worthless word…「love.」”
How could a passion between a person who was forsaken and a person who was loved by God bear a sweet fruit? Ruki wondered but in the end, he was nurtured by lust. He didn’t care about anyone after all. He’s alone from the start. A person who didn’t experience love shouldn’t know how to love anyone. Ruki thought of that as he transmits his curse to the man on his front.
The innocent man gave him sweet kisses on his neck running down to his navel while pinning his hands in case he shows some resistance which he didn’t intent to. Ruki gently cupped his face and let his tongue slid inside. It was a long passionate kiss until Reita entered a finger in Ruki’s entrance. He’s totally submissive as if it was his last sex, his last pride. Reita noticed the tears that were flooding out, Ruki’s bruises, all of them, he noticed it all. Every part of the younger’s body he embraced them all. He did his best to give him a gentle love, very afraid of hurting him as if he was going to break if he ever put a little more force unto him. Little that he knew that Ruki’s already broken.
“Going home already?” Reita embraced him from behind. Ruki was lighting up his cigarette as he sat at the edge of the bed.
“I don’t have any reason to stay here.”
“Ruki, I didn’t brought you here just for sex. I really like you, you know.”
“Then… you called me a god a while ago, didn’t you? What if I give you a death curse? Will you hate me? Will you wish me to die or will you kill me Reita? You tell me you love me as if you know me but you’re wrong Reita. I am not a God or even a kind person at the very least,” Ruki stood up from the bed and was about to enter the bathroom when Reita replied.
“Dying would be fine… Dying would be fine if it’s on Ruki’s hands!” Reita repeated his words to let Ruki hear it clearly and precisely. “My life is worthless anyway. Ruki’s songs are the one who keep me breathing. They’re my heartbeat in this world where nobody really cares for me. I could feel it. Ruki’s feelings are on his song. That’s why I don’t think I know nothing about Ruki! Your songs are linking us together!”
Ruki was about to wiped off Reita’s words but he didn’t understand why his tears were falling. It’s his curse. That girl said that he won’t be able to love but he knew what he’s afraid of. He’s afraid of being betrayed and ending up alone without anyone to hold not even a single one who would notice his loss.
“What a joke!” Ruki blew a smoke. “You should check on a doctor tomorrow Reita, I have AIDS and I think I have transmitted it to you. You might really end up dying like you wish, moron.”
Ruki drowned himself into a deep bath. The smell of soap, the lukewarm water and the roses on the vase, he thought Reita’s really a romanticist. There’s a part of him that regret what he had done. He shouldn’t destroy that innocent young man’s life. He shouldn’t kill that girl’s future. Ruki could just drown himself to a deep sleep but a call forbade him too. The forsaken was saved from death.
“I’m alive so don’t worry too much, Uruha-niisan.”
“Ruki-kun, I’m not going to force you to return home. I… I just wish you’ll visit here once in a while and take care of yourself. Your brother promised that he won’t hurt you anymore and force you to…”
“Thank you, I know Uruha-niisan work hard to convince Aoi-niisan. Sometimes I’m very thankful that you didn’t return my feelings, Aoi-niisan deserves you more unlike me who’s worthless and sinful.”
“Ruki-kun, it’s not like that. Surely, someone out there would understand you. You just have to open up your heart. I don’t think Ruki-kun is a bad person after all.”
Ruki covered his mouth to avoid Uruha from hearing his cry. He really knows the words he wants to hear, “You think so? Thank you Uruha-niisan but… it’s already too late. I won’t be coming back. Farewell.”
Ruki ended the call. He finished his bath and wore his clothes. He went out from the bathroom and saw Reita. Blood was dripping to his sheets. He cut himself open. Ruki quickly took a towel and covered his wound. The laceration was too deep. Ruki slapped Reita.
“Why? There’s a limit on how stupid a person can be!”
“If Ruki wishes to, then I’ll die.”
“What? Why are you so obsessed in me? Even if you told me that we already met on high school, it’s not enough for you to do this into yourself. I couldn’t even remember you. You’re more miserable than me!”
“But… those painful, lonely eyes that were piercing me…” Reita gently shove Ruki’s hair, his hands gently caressed his face. “I can’t stand them. Why do you look at me like I’m such a pitiful person? But I can’t think of Ruki as a bad guy, after all. It’s because I want to save Ruki.”
“I may not be that reliable right now. I couldn’t save you from your brother’s shadows. Maybe that’s why you’re so lonely because a friend like me won’t be able to help. No matter how evil the world see Ruki, I won’t waver from these emotions. I can assure you that one day I’m the one who’ll grant you salvation. You’re not a forsaken one, you’re just lost.”
“Sorry,” Ruki buried Reita on his chest.
Reita closed his eyes, listening closely to the other’s heartbeat, “I want to wipe the darkness on Ruki’s heart. Open up for me, consider this as a wish of someone who’s about to die.”
“Are you stupid?” Ruki laughed forcefully. “We’re both going to die, anyway.”
“Then let’s die happily…”
Why is it that people only realize things after it’s already too late? One’s time in life is under the control of God. He was neither happy nor sad. Life’s true joys and sorrows were just passing him by. At that time, he was still… Yes, he can say this only now. It was then that his life had started, when the biological clock in his body started ticking.
When you know when your life’s going to end is the time when it becomes the most meaningful. You won’t let a second pass you by that’s why you’re able to do your best. Reita and Ruki’s life revolve around the same disease. Loving and only holding into each other as if death didn’t exist. They were undoubtedly happy but sins of the past were too great for Ruki. It won’t let him free just like that.
“Arikawa Hospital was shut closed…”
“Hmmm… why? You look so pale Ruki.”
“Due to false examination results, they received many complaints. Nurses reasoned out an accident for the documents mixed up and patients were advised to have a second examination to other hospitals… Reita, did you go to a doctor to have a blood test… you know for HIV?”
“No, I don’t care about it anyway,” Reita drunk his soda.
“Then… we must assure it… if it’s not true then I…”
“Ah, both of you were negative for AIDS and even HIV virus,” the doctor read the result. “Isn’t that good news? Arikawa Hospital surely did a miserable mistake.”
“I killed her… without any reason.”
“Oh, I don’t know what to say… You don’t know how happy I am doctor…” Reita’s phone rang. After that conversation it looked like Reita’s soul was torn apart.
It seemed like weeks since both of them had a conversation. Ruki finally had the courage to tell Reita about the truth of what happened the day before they met. It was then he noticed that the other was deep soaked into chaos too. How could he possibly admit something unforgivable if Reita’s in that situation? After few days, a word finally escaped his mouth.
“I lost contact with my parents since I lost my phone. When I bought a new one, I didn’t expect that this will be the first news that I’ll hear… Ruki, I… a family member just died… the grave was just here at Tokyo…”
“Reita…” Ruki embraced him. “You’ve always been here for me. You changed me. That’s why in a moment like this, I want to be someone reliable for Reita. We already escaped death. As long as were together, everything’s fine.”
“Ruki…” Reita’s tears flooded more than the worst Ruki had seen. “It was then he realized that this family member for Reita might be like Uruha for Ruki.”
To comfort someone felt greater than to be the one comforted. Ruki realized that a while he was with Reita. He was looking for someone he could care of, to love. It’s something he couldn’t find unto his family or even to Uruha. It’s because he’s more fragile than them. He was the one being supported and consoled. Ruki couldn’t forgive himself. His self-pity’s too great more than he could handle and that’s what destroyed him. He won’t let it happen again not that he found his reason to live.
“I love you Reita. I cannot afford to lose you…”
“Hmmm? What’s wrong with you? We’re just visiting my sister’s grave. It’s not like I’m coming with her,” Reita laughed and embraced Ruki tighter. “Ah, I remember that coat! It’s the coat you wore the time we met at that time…”
“Yeah… it’s not like you’ll leave me…” Ruki smiled to himself. “Now that you think about it, maybe you hit me on purpose!”
Reita laughed, “Oi, it’s an accident, an accident, you hear?” Reita’s expression suddenly changed. “Little that I know that my sister died that time…”
Ruki suddenly felt his heartbeat raced for that second.
“The police said it was suicide but after we hired a private investigator, she has a button on her hands. It’s not from his clothes or something she wore. That means someone’s with her and considering how tight she held that button means that the person was just nearby when she jumped. There’s a string of thread shoot at the holes too… it might come from an expensive clothing line…”
“Reita… name… what’s her name…”
“Ah we’re here!” Reita sat and gave some incense to her sister’s grave. “Do you know she’s a big fan of yours too? She used to talk a lot about you. She really thinks you’re a great person! That’s why… this is unforgivable! The person who did this must die! I’ll definitely find him and make him suffer!”
“Reita… I... Suzuki Hiromi…”
Reita was silent while he prayed for his sister’s soul. After he’s finished, he stood up and finally saw Ruki’s crying face. He was holding his wrist like asking him to cut it.
“Look at it Reita…” Ruki smiled. “This coat is missing a button… I…
…am a death god who gives「end」 to everything.”
This curse isn’t over yet.
A/N: How is it? Comment if you read. Thank you. I’m going to continue Backstage Pass next. Have you read it? The next song might be Chizuru :))
Ah, I decided to reactivate my blog. Please follow me here:
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THANK YOU! *bows*
Chapters: Oneshot
Author: mypaperdoll1611
Genre: Yaoi, Slice of Life
Warnings: Suspense?
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings/Characters: ReitaxRuki (main), AoixUruha, RukixUruha (one-sided)
Band: the GazettE
Summary: Why is it that people only realize things after it’s already too late? One’s time in life is under the control of God. He was neither happy nor sad. Life’s true joys and sorrows were just passing him by. At that time, he was still… Yes, he can say this only now. It was then that his life had started, when the biological clock in his body started ticking.
Disclaimer: Do you honestly think this is needed to be answered?
Comments: My first fic this vacation. Hope you'll like it! Won't you comment to cheer me up?
We are all dying from the moment we are born. The abyss between life and death is narrower than the 50 cm width of a fence, the instant that you jump across it it’s like a shooting star falling though a crack of a building. He is neither happy nor unhappy. He is only going through the motions of life. Those who do not appreciate life will someday suffer dearly for it. Until then, he was just an idle spectator of his own life. That’s maybe why he was chosen by fate.
“Aoi, you shouldn’t scold Ruki that much. Your brother needs some break once in a while too. He’s been in the show business for years,” Uruha put down the hotcakes at the table and sweetly hugged his honey sitting and waiting for his breakfast.
“Don’t spoil him that much! I am older and I have my own opinions. I don’t think quitting right now is a good idea. What the fuck is tiring about singing and singing? He’s been living a comfortable life, isn’t he? Compare to those farmers and construction workers…”
“Aoi, there’s more of it than what you think…” Uruha tried to calm Aoi.
“Uruha-niisan, it’s enough,” Ruki stood up and went out the kitchen. He grabbed his jacket and wore his shoes, big lenses and a scarf to cover his face. Well, it’s not like someone would recognize him without his make up, it’s just to cover his swollen eyes and bruises made by his older brother.
“Ruki,” Uruha ran to stop him. “Where are you going? It’s cold outside and…” he was shocked that just after a few seconds he found himself pinned against a wall with Ruki’s lips locked into his.
“It’s cruel. Your kindness is so cruel. Why do you have to be like that? Why do you care for me more than my own family? It’s painful, really painful. Don’t make me love you more than what it is right now. You love him, don’t you? That’s why don’t give me any reason to steal you away from him.”
“Ruki… I care for you like how Aoi does. Please understand your brother.”
“Thank you,” Ruki let go of him. He opened the door and saw how hard it was snowing. “Thank you but it’s enough. Goodbye.” He turned back and saw his brother’s eyes glaring at him. He probably saw him kissing his lover. Uruha was wrong. No one really cared for Ruki except him.
Ruki met Uruha when he was on high school. His parents hired a private tutor for him. Aoi recommended Uruha but little that he knew that they were lovers. It’s not like it’s something Aoi could brag considering that their parents expect too much from him, a little too much than what they expect from Ruki. He’s not that stupid on academics or on sports. Ruki’s just a timid one who doesn’t do anything without a reason. It’s not that he doesn’t have, he just couldn’t find one not until he met his tutor who taught him more than how to raise his grades but more about life.
“It’s real! It’s not just a crush or something. I really love Uruha-sensei. Please consider me as a lover.”
“You see… Ruki-kun… I’m a bit older than you and…”
“Since I was a kid, everyone likes Aoi-niisan more. I am always worthless compared to him and some people just care for me because I am his brother but Uruha-sensei… Uruha-sensei understands me. I can tell you my feelings and you won’t laugh at it no matter how childish it may seem. You nursed me when I am sick. You cried for me when I ran away from home. You like me but not because of Aoi-niisan, right? You don’t show any affection to him. You even call him stupid and worthless…”
“Uruha, do you see my reference material for the…” Aoi suddenly entered the room.
“Get out! Aoi, get out! We’re talking some serious stuff here!” Uruha yelled.
“Okay, okay. You should at least speak to me kindly, considering I am your…” Aoi sighed and closed the door.
“Ruki, I’m sorry,” Uruha cupped the other’s face. “I, with regards to Ruki-kun, I really like you… as a younger brother. I’m sorry if I couldn’t return your feelings the way you want me to. And I…” Ruki saw the ring hanged on the silver necklace on Uruha’s chest. “I am engaged with your brother.”
“Liar…” Ruki ran away.
“Ruki…” Uruha tried to stop him but Aoi suddenly grabbed his arm.
“What’s with that?” Aoi was furious.
“Ruki is just lonely. He is very… very… 「lonely.」
Ruki was lying on an empty school’s rooftop with his arms covering his eyes. It surely ended terribly. His first love was never really sweet and it won’t for the succeeding for his clock was already ticking. He didn’t really want to give up singing but what else he could do when he knew he was about to die. The envelope on his hand sentenced him to death. He has an Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, a disease he got from having sex with a fan of him, a fan he really never treasured.
“I’m sorry Ruki! I didn’t know! If you’ll ask me, I’ll cut myself open. I’m going to bleed until there’s nothing of me left. Please don’t hate me,” the girl pleaded.
“Hmmm… That’s no good,” Ruki stood up and embraced his fan, leading her to the edge of the building. “Cutting yourself won’t be enough to kill you. Why don’t you try jumping? Can you do it?” Ruki has the eyes of a devil.
“But… I…” she cried. “I… I can’t do it. I’m scared. Ruki, I’m scared!”
“I understand. Don’t show your filthy face on me again. You ruined everything! Singing is the only thing for me but you destroyed it! Nothing is left even Uruha…” Ruki distanced himself. He’s still smiling with deadly eyes.
“Ruki, please don’t hate me…” the girl turned back and saw herself falling. Right, Ruki pushed him. He mercilessly smiled and pushed her.
“Die,” the last word that she heard.
“I always think that Ruki’s lonely but I was wrong. Ruki chose to be miserable that’s why you don’t know how to love with all your heart. You won’t know the feeling of loving that’s why… Ruki won’t be happy. It’s my curse to you.”
He watched her body crushed into the ground. Blood were shattered into the white snow. Ruki looked at his hands. He was trembling. He just killed a person, didn’t he? He turned back and went off from the school grounds. Tomorrow, it’ll be surely on the news. No one will know. It would be written as a suicide. The famous singer will held no responsible for the said event.
He was walking unconsciously when a strange man accidentally hit his shoulder. He fell into the ground like a piece of leaf without any trace of strength. He just fell like he was nothing.
“Ru… Ruki?” the stranger helped Ruki to stand up.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Eh? You don’t remember? I played the bass once when you sang at Yokohama. Eh… I guess… I’m not the type of person you’ll remember, isn’t it? Ah, I’m Reita and I’m a fan of yours.”
“A fan huh…” Ruki removed the snow on his coat before looking at the other closely, “Ah! You’re the noseband dude!”
“That’s terrible Ruki-kun, how dare you call me like that…”
“Stop that! That name, only one person could call me like that…”
“Ah, I see, don’t be angry. So where are you heading too? I could give you a ride if you want.”
“I…”
He couldn’t answer for he just lost a place he could call home. It’s not like he has grown attached to it. It’s just a place where he could sleep at the very least. It’s where he takes his shower and eats his breakfast. It’s not like he has a family there but at least there’s someone who would welcome him but not anymore. Uruha won’t welcome him, not anymore…
“Hotel, can you at least take me to a hotel? I’ll pay you once I withdrawn some cash.”
“Yeah sure, but you don’t have to pay me. It’s a pleasure to serve my god,” Reita laughed. “That’s what other fans used to call you, right?”
“Stupid,” Ruki hopped on Reita’s car. “God don’t let others suffer but I just did. He’s kind and loving. He gives life but doesn’t kill, that’s why God has forsaken me.”
Ruki saw himself to an awesome furnished room. He loved the design, the color, and the wine counter. It’s totally stylish just what he expected from a famous bassist. He found some instruments lined up into a wall, some pictures, and a wide screen TV.
“Sorry for being a game maniac!” Reita smiled and started to clean the CDs.
“I told you to bring me into a hotel but I didn’t say to your room…” Ruki sat down feeling comfortable to the soft sofa.
“It’s no good?” Reita trailed the other’s lips. “Am I… no good?”
“Fuck!” Ruki pushed him, making the other’s body swept the floor. “Sex, huh? Man, you don’t know anything!”
“I am Akira, your runaway mate on high school. I’m the unreliable person who promised to protect you but couldn’t do anything when your brother took you away and hurt you. I am Reita, the bassist of a support band who you could at least care of. Meeting you again on such stage doesn’t help at all. I’m almost drowning into love that I couldn’t bear. I am me who loves you through the years…”
“Don’t screw with me!” Ruki laughed. “Such a worthless word…「love.」”
How could a passion between a person who was forsaken and a person who was loved by God bear a sweet fruit? Ruki wondered but in the end, he was nurtured by lust. He didn’t care about anyone after all. He’s alone from the start. A person who didn’t experience love shouldn’t know how to love anyone. Ruki thought of that as he transmits his curse to the man on his front.
The innocent man gave him sweet kisses on his neck running down to his navel while pinning his hands in case he shows some resistance which he didn’t intent to. Ruki gently cupped his face and let his tongue slid inside. It was a long passionate kiss until Reita entered a finger in Ruki’s entrance. He’s totally submissive as if it was his last sex, his last pride. Reita noticed the tears that were flooding out, Ruki’s bruises, all of them, he noticed it all. Every part of the younger’s body he embraced them all. He did his best to give him a gentle love, very afraid of hurting him as if he was going to break if he ever put a little more force unto him. Little that he knew that Ruki’s already broken.
“Going home already?” Reita embraced him from behind. Ruki was lighting up his cigarette as he sat at the edge of the bed.
“I don’t have any reason to stay here.”
“Ruki, I didn’t brought you here just for sex. I really like you, you know.”
“Then… you called me a god a while ago, didn’t you? What if I give you a death curse? Will you hate me? Will you wish me to die or will you kill me Reita? You tell me you love me as if you know me but you’re wrong Reita. I am not a God or even a kind person at the very least,” Ruki stood up from the bed and was about to enter the bathroom when Reita replied.
“Dying would be fine… Dying would be fine if it’s on Ruki’s hands!” Reita repeated his words to let Ruki hear it clearly and precisely. “My life is worthless anyway. Ruki’s songs are the one who keep me breathing. They’re my heartbeat in this world where nobody really cares for me. I could feel it. Ruki’s feelings are on his song. That’s why I don’t think I know nothing about Ruki! Your songs are linking us together!”
Ruki was about to wiped off Reita’s words but he didn’t understand why his tears were falling. It’s his curse. That girl said that he won’t be able to love but he knew what he’s afraid of. He’s afraid of being betrayed and ending up alone without anyone to hold not even a single one who would notice his loss.
“What a joke!” Ruki blew a smoke. “You should check on a doctor tomorrow Reita, I have AIDS and I think I have transmitted it to you. You might really end up dying like you wish, moron.”
Ruki drowned himself into a deep bath. The smell of soap, the lukewarm water and the roses on the vase, he thought Reita’s really a romanticist. There’s a part of him that regret what he had done. He shouldn’t destroy that innocent young man’s life. He shouldn’t kill that girl’s future. Ruki could just drown himself to a deep sleep but a call forbade him too. The forsaken was saved from death.
“I’m alive so don’t worry too much, Uruha-niisan.”
“Ruki-kun, I’m not going to force you to return home. I… I just wish you’ll visit here once in a while and take care of yourself. Your brother promised that he won’t hurt you anymore and force you to…”
“Thank you, I know Uruha-niisan work hard to convince Aoi-niisan. Sometimes I’m very thankful that you didn’t return my feelings, Aoi-niisan deserves you more unlike me who’s worthless and sinful.”
“Ruki-kun, it’s not like that. Surely, someone out there would understand you. You just have to open up your heart. I don’t think Ruki-kun is a bad person after all.”
Ruki covered his mouth to avoid Uruha from hearing his cry. He really knows the words he wants to hear, “You think so? Thank you Uruha-niisan but… it’s already too late. I won’t be coming back. Farewell.”
Ruki ended the call. He finished his bath and wore his clothes. He went out from the bathroom and saw Reita. Blood was dripping to his sheets. He cut himself open. Ruki quickly took a towel and covered his wound. The laceration was too deep. Ruki slapped Reita.
“Why? There’s a limit on how stupid a person can be!”
“If Ruki wishes to, then I’ll die.”
“What? Why are you so obsessed in me? Even if you told me that we already met on high school, it’s not enough for you to do this into yourself. I couldn’t even remember you. You’re more miserable than me!”
“But… those painful, lonely eyes that were piercing me…” Reita gently shove Ruki’s hair, his hands gently caressed his face. “I can’t stand them. Why do you look at me like I’m such a pitiful person? But I can’t think of Ruki as a bad guy, after all. It’s because I want to save Ruki.”
“I may not be that reliable right now. I couldn’t save you from your brother’s shadows. Maybe that’s why you’re so lonely because a friend like me won’t be able to help. No matter how evil the world see Ruki, I won’t waver from these emotions. I can assure you that one day I’m the one who’ll grant you salvation. You’re not a forsaken one, you’re just lost.”
“Sorry,” Ruki buried Reita on his chest.
Reita closed his eyes, listening closely to the other’s heartbeat, “I want to wipe the darkness on Ruki’s heart. Open up for me, consider this as a wish of someone who’s about to die.”
“Are you stupid?” Ruki laughed forcefully. “We’re both going to die, anyway.”
“Then let’s die happily…”
Why is it that people only realize things after it’s already too late? One’s time in life is under the control of God. He was neither happy nor sad. Life’s true joys and sorrows were just passing him by. At that time, he was still… Yes, he can say this only now. It was then that his life had started, when the biological clock in his body started ticking.
When you know when your life’s going to end is the time when it becomes the most meaningful. You won’t let a second pass you by that’s why you’re able to do your best. Reita and Ruki’s life revolve around the same disease. Loving and only holding into each other as if death didn’t exist. They were undoubtedly happy but sins of the past were too great for Ruki. It won’t let him free just like that.
“Arikawa Hospital was shut closed…”
“Hmmm… why? You look so pale Ruki.”
“Due to false examination results, they received many complaints. Nurses reasoned out an accident for the documents mixed up and patients were advised to have a second examination to other hospitals… Reita, did you go to a doctor to have a blood test… you know for HIV?”
“No, I don’t care about it anyway,” Reita drunk his soda.
“Then… we must assure it… if it’s not true then I…”
“Ah, both of you were negative for AIDS and even HIV virus,” the doctor read the result. “Isn’t that good news? Arikawa Hospital surely did a miserable mistake.”
“I killed her… without any reason.”
“Oh, I don’t know what to say… You don’t know how happy I am doctor…” Reita’s phone rang. After that conversation it looked like Reita’s soul was torn apart.
It seemed like weeks since both of them had a conversation. Ruki finally had the courage to tell Reita about the truth of what happened the day before they met. It was then he noticed that the other was deep soaked into chaos too. How could he possibly admit something unforgivable if Reita’s in that situation? After few days, a word finally escaped his mouth.
“I lost contact with my parents since I lost my phone. When I bought a new one, I didn’t expect that this will be the first news that I’ll hear… Ruki, I… a family member just died… the grave was just here at Tokyo…”
“Reita…” Ruki embraced him. “You’ve always been here for me. You changed me. That’s why in a moment like this, I want to be someone reliable for Reita. We already escaped death. As long as were together, everything’s fine.”
“Ruki…” Reita’s tears flooded more than the worst Ruki had seen. “It was then he realized that this family member for Reita might be like Uruha for Ruki.”
To comfort someone felt greater than to be the one comforted. Ruki realized that a while he was with Reita. He was looking for someone he could care of, to love. It’s something he couldn’t find unto his family or even to Uruha. It’s because he’s more fragile than them. He was the one being supported and consoled. Ruki couldn’t forgive himself. His self-pity’s too great more than he could handle and that’s what destroyed him. He won’t let it happen again not that he found his reason to live.
“I love you Reita. I cannot afford to lose you…”
“Hmmm? What’s wrong with you? We’re just visiting my sister’s grave. It’s not like I’m coming with her,” Reita laughed and embraced Ruki tighter. “Ah, I remember that coat! It’s the coat you wore the time we met at that time…”
“Yeah… it’s not like you’ll leave me…” Ruki smiled to himself. “Now that you think about it, maybe you hit me on purpose!”
Reita laughed, “Oi, it’s an accident, an accident, you hear?” Reita’s expression suddenly changed. “Little that I know that my sister died that time…”
Ruki suddenly felt his heartbeat raced for that second.
“The police said it was suicide but after we hired a private investigator, she has a button on her hands. It’s not from his clothes or something she wore. That means someone’s with her and considering how tight she held that button means that the person was just nearby when she jumped. There’s a string of thread shoot at the holes too… it might come from an expensive clothing line…”
“Reita… name… what’s her name…”
“Ah we’re here!” Reita sat and gave some incense to her sister’s grave. “Do you know she’s a big fan of yours too? She used to talk a lot about you. She really thinks you’re a great person! That’s why… this is unforgivable! The person who did this must die! I’ll definitely find him and make him suffer!”
“Reita… I... Suzuki Hiromi…”
Reita was silent while he prayed for his sister’s soul. After he’s finished, he stood up and finally saw Ruki’s crying face. He was holding his wrist like asking him to cut it.
“Look at it Reita…” Ruki smiled. “This coat is missing a button… I…
…am a death god who gives「end」 to everything.”
This curse isn’t over yet.
A/N: How is it? Comment if you read. Thank you. I’m going to continue Backstage Pass next. Have you read it? The next song might be Chizuru :))
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