helpless panick
i feel bad for lots of things. but this thing... i can't excuse it from myself. failing those i love. yes, i can do it apparently. as i prove to myself again.
i can't believe i missed it. i can't believe i was so caught up in... blah... nothing important, and missed everything that was... that is.
how could i fall for the "its no big deal" line when its carving a letter in your fucking arm. how could i just let all the lies go by thinking "i wonder why he is lying about that? oh well, i am sure there's a reason..." letting myself believe that it is no big deal?
but it is a big deal. of some sort. a breakdown that adrian won't talk about the night before last. tristan has a breakdown he won't talk about (and apparently managed to totally hide from me even tho it was apparently going on while i was talking to them last night?!?!). and now they say they think there is a nother one coming? what am i supposed to do?!?
yet they say its no big deal. no. that is a big deal.
and the only reason i can think of them writing it off... is because they want to protect me. want me not to worry or want me to not feel guilty or change if its somehow connected to me.
but that is what i do.
well it is too late for that now. i... i don't understand how i could be so blind. you would think the unexplained headache of all day yesterday and this afternoon would make me wonder. it is always connected to something. just when i am thinking i am getting good at helping... at taking care of people... i realize i still do more harm than good a lot of times.
kent and i also both seem to have failed with helping amy too. and now i've got this horrible feelings there's someone else on my f-list i've been overlooking and probably needs me too(tho i don't know who). but no... i have been too busy and caught up in my own things... my own troubles, or my own happiness. i hate that i can still be this selfish... so selfish.
and i don't understand why they try to hide their troubles from us? and worse, why when we find out they try to pretend there's nothing at all happening? it makes me feel so worthless and helpless. oh my head hurts...
i guess its time to go collect blood from myself.
at least that's something i can do so i don't feel so worthless. :(
magic and prayer and hope despite me.
i can't believe i missed it. i can't believe i was so caught up in... blah... nothing important, and missed everything that was... that is.
how could i fall for the "its no big deal" line when its carving a letter in your fucking arm. how could i just let all the lies go by thinking "i wonder why he is lying about that? oh well, i am sure there's a reason..." letting myself believe that it is no big deal?
but it is a big deal. of some sort. a breakdown that adrian won't talk about the night before last. tristan has a breakdown he won't talk about (and apparently managed to totally hide from me even tho it was apparently going on while i was talking to them last night?!?!). and now they say they think there is a nother one coming? what am i supposed to do?!?
yet they say its no big deal. no. that is a big deal.
and the only reason i can think of them writing it off... is because they want to protect me. want me not to worry or want me to not feel guilty or change if its somehow connected to me.
but that is what i do.
well it is too late for that now. i... i don't understand how i could be so blind. you would think the unexplained headache of all day yesterday and this afternoon would make me wonder. it is always connected to something. just when i am thinking i am getting good at helping... at taking care of people... i realize i still do more harm than good a lot of times.
kent and i also both seem to have failed with helping amy too. and now i've got this horrible feelings there's someone else on my f-list i've been overlooking and probably needs me too(tho i don't know who). but no... i have been too busy and caught up in my own things... my own troubles, or my own happiness. i hate that i can still be this selfish... so selfish.
and i don't understand why they try to hide their troubles from us? and worse, why when we find out they try to pretend there's nothing at all happening? it makes me feel so worthless and helpless. oh my head hurts...
i guess its time to go collect blood from myself.
at least that's something i can do so i don't feel so worthless. :(
magic and prayer and hope despite me.