I'm clearing out my entire crib as soon as I get "home."
Once again, I feel like I'm on another level than the majority of my friends. This time I attribute it to not being in college anymore and having what is considered to be an actual career. Even though the difference is something that should be totally irrelevant overall, I think I've subconsciously ostracized myself in a way. My job (even though I've only been working now for five months) has really affected certain aspects of my life. I wake up at 5:00am and go to sleep at 9:00pm five days a week which makes it hard for me to keep up with the whole party/going out scene. I rarely drink and I smoke once in a blue moon, and many times I feel like those facts alone are totally opposite from the lifestyles that many of my friends live. I just don't relate to that anymore for the most part, and I've never really addressed the issue with any of my friends, but I basically just assume that they can't relate to that part of my life either. I'm just moving on to the next phase and I feel like I'm moving on by myself. I've also developed a hightened inclination (for lack of a better word) to the decisions people make for themselves, which leads me to the conclusion that I have control issues. It's not necessarily that I need to have control over everything in my own life, but rather that I look at people who have control problems in their own lives differently than people who don't have control problems. And when I say control, I mean any type of control that anyone could possibly have over themselves. I'm starting to see that in many instances I would make very different decisions than my friends do if I were in their same situation. I've realized that I've really put myself on some type of pedestal as far as being able to have "control" in my life, and once again I subconsciously ostracize myself and criticize others because of this. For the most part, I think all of these comparisons that I have made between my friends and myself all boil down to an insecurity that I have about moving on with life. I really wish that I could just let the good times roll, but I think I'm rolling away from those good [old] times, and thus I am anxious to know and accept what the future holds for my friendships. But fuck it, at least I can admit all this shit despite having never discussed any of it with anyone. In fact, I really don't care to discuss or explain this to anyone because I just don't want to deal with the possibility of being mistaken for a pompous asshole who thinks they're better than everyone because they have some stupid job, which once again shows that I'm a tad insecure and unaccepting despite feeling so grown up.