(no subject)
Today was a pretty good day/sad day. Kinda nostalgic. I ended up being on the phone last night w/ dave until 1215 cz he didnt wanna say bye lol hes the funniest kid i have EVER met..me and ashley hung out w/ him and tom for about an hour and just talked and listened to them do tha whisper song which was the awesomest thing..it was really good. but idk. Ive been trying to distance myself from billy..not cz i necessarily totally want to but so it doesnt hurt as much when i find out hes done stuff w/ another girl..or that he likes another girl..and he told me that we cant be together at least not for a while..and i didnt wanna believe it..but i guess hes right and thats just something i hafta accept and i guess im truly starting to. I dont think he even realizes what im doing..and i wonder if he knew if hed even care. Another thing thats making me push him away is the fact that he said hes been trying to get over me for so long but he doesnt want to lose me..maybe this way...he can and still have me (as a friend) and enjoy his single life..and if we were meant to be together...some day we will be. After C when he meets me after gym...he was acting kinda as though it didnt matter if i was there or not and then when he did i said to him..i wont be in school 2morrow so since i only see you in school todays gunna be the last day i see you until monday..and he goes yeah i know..so? and i was like its like u dont even notice..and he goes yes i do..n just walked into his class..uggh..then in lunch..i sat next 2 dre cz suzan sits right next 2 him where i use to sit everyday so i just sat next 2 dre and he asked me to neways..so then we had a little food/drink fight me dre n aubrey..and he was saying how i wasnt even talking to him and i was trying to but everytime i did hed put his head down and not talk..so then he started 2 leave lunch early and i could tell he was upset and i grabbed his pant leg and hes like im going home..walk w/ me so i tried 2 but Ms hanley and mr broderick wouldnt let me..so yeah. I didnt even call him yesterday after school..or even really think about calling..on the way 2 practice round 645 we saw sammie and she told me suzan and sarah were over there neways..so then round 915 he called and was talking to me..telling me what hed done..and how he feels about another girl..and for the first time..it didnt hurt..and he thought i didnt wanna talk which wasnt it..i just didnt really have anything to say and he told me he missed me..and misses me sometimes..and i thought 2 myself i always missed you and when i show i care its as though u care less..maybe i guess its a good thing im distancing myself after all..after it didnt hurt that he told me he was falling for another girl. sorry its so long bout him..i just was thinking out loud. Like i said before i have a person that keeps writing comments annonymously..and aubrey and I were talking about it 2day..and she mentioned amanda and i just thought..she wouldnt care..it clicked that i havent talked to her in so long..i always wonder how shes doing but i never get enough guts up 2 call her and talk 2 her..instead i always ask aubrey if shes talked 2 her..and how she is and whats going om w/ her. I just flash back to all the times we had and think..what happened to us? like i was thinking about how 2day was my last day in school this week cz im not going 2morrow cz of NY and thought of the time we both pretended to be sick and stayed home..thats the only time ive ever not gone to school cz i didnt want to..i just feel like weve drifted so far that no matter what i do to reach out to her wont matter..so i just..keep to myself. I had a good day mostly because..just talking to a person who i thought i lost forever made my day. If you knew her you wouldnt like her i dont know why i even wanna b friends w/ her..lol..she has glasses and she got her sweatshirt all wet 2day cz she dont know how 2 drink outta a bottle lol. jk It made me kinda sad though even though i was esctatic about her talking to me even a little again..the thought of what i did still hurts knowing that were not as close as we used 2 be..but i wont let that bring me down cz its better than it was a few weeks ago. The other thing that got me kinda sad though was when a soft subject came up and i could tell it was getting her down..even though she tried to hide it w/ a mask of fake happiness..i saw through it cz i do the same..i wanted to tell her something anything..that the person will regret everything and that they have NO idea how much they are losing..but the words didnt come out. If you woulda asked me if i thought that person would ever make my day again a few weeks ago i woulda said no..but its true..she did. Im not jnxing it..cause knowing my luck or the things i did maybe it was just a one day thing..but either way it made my day. w0w cant help but remember all the awesome times now..sitting in the middle aisle of the movie theater...breaking a fence..hitting her glasses off..WAHOO..those were the days lol. Im kinda nervous..no yeah..really nervous cz steve and I havent really talked for almost 2 weeks..and we just started 2 again 2 days ago and now 2night hes coming over after he gets outta work around 6 to talk face to face...its been so long im nervous and i dont know. yeah..kinda mad bout this kid sean that likes ashley cz he thought i said something 2 her to make her not like him but i was fricken sittin her stickin up for him the whole time and come to find out hes acting like a total ass to her..grr..!! Kinda sad that ill be away from her all weekend till prolly monday :( its weird w/o her around cz im so used 2 her always being w/ me..everyday!! :) were attached @ tha hip! lol yeah i lost my train of thought but yeah so ill prolly write later..going 2 chill w/ steve